


And the Hits Just Keep Coming

by lucybun



Series: And the Hits Verse [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, I swore I'd never write a true WIP but here we are, I'm still bitter and so is he, Indirect reference to suicidal thoughts in chapter 8, M/M, Not Catherine Friendly, You can skip ch 8 and pick up in ch 9, angry hurt danny, emotionally stunted steve mcgarrett, is there any other kind?, let's get some help for my boys y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 55,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24820417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucybun/pseuds/lucybun
Summary: When Steve left Danny on that beach, he left behind a friend who was at the end of his rope. Once Steve realizes what a massive mistake he made leaving like he did, he has to deal with an ex-partner who is hurt beyond belief on top of his own rack of issues. As for Danny, he's no longer sure he has the will, or even the desire, to fix what Steve broke. Can they ever get back to what they were? Can they make their way to something better? Steve thinks they can, now he just needs to convince his Danno.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams, past Steve McGarrett/Catherine Rollins - Relationship
Series: And the Hits Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024804
Comments: 433
Kudos: 583





	1. Danny

**Author's Note:**

> So, I haven't really written any fiction in six or seven years. I don't honestly think there have been that many fix-its written, certainly not enough for my taste. So when my anger over the finale finally got me to write again, I decided to just go with it and keep working on my own version. This story picks up immediately after the finale, so it is going to reflect some of that anger. I promise it's not just about being angry, though it's going to take a little while to get past that. I've never not written a happy ending, and I'm not going to start here. I've also never written a true WIP, but I already have several chapters of this written and edited, so I thought I'd bite the bullet and post. The rating is likely to go up in future chapters. Kind, like super kind, constructive criticism is welcome. No beta, but I gave it a final proofread at 4:30 in the morning when my insomnia attacked, so I'm sure it's fine. :D Be gentle, y'all, it's been a long time.

He stayed on the beach a long time after Steve left, everyone having had the good sense to leave him alone until he was ready. Tani finally wandered down just to let him know that everyone was leaving. She’d offered to stay, for her and Junior to stay, but he shook his head no. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone right then. He didn’t want to look at anyone and see the pity in their eyes. He didn’t want anyone to look at him and see the pain in his, the almost dumbfounded look of betrayal. 

Steve was leaving.

Steve was gone. 

Steve might never come back.

Steve probably wouldn’t come back, at least not in the way Danny wanted him to come back. Permanently and fully back in the fold of his o’hana. Those days were done, and he needed time to come to terms with that. He needed time to grieve. He needed time to figure out how this was going to change his life, to figure out the changes he wants to make too, not just the changes that are always kicking him in the teeth. He knew his life was in shambles, and he knew he needed to take some control back. He needed to find a way to be content. Even as his heart was bleeding, he had to reassure himself that this wasn’t going to kill him, because he wouldn't let it. In the meantime though, he was maybe sort of devastated. 

He headed inside once the sun was fully set. Even when he’d hated it there, even when he would’ve given his left nut to go back to Jersey, he’d been able to admit that the sunsets in Hawaii were breathtaking. The novelty wore off of course, but he could still appreciate the beauty. He could appreciate so much of Hawaii now: the food, the people, the way his kids were happy here, the way he thought he’d made a family here. He rubbed his eyes so hard he saw spots at that thought. The thought that he was the last man standing. No Max or Kono or Chin... or Steve. The one person who had been so eager to leave was the one person who never had. 

The issue as he saw it was that Steve wasn’t the only one sick of the body blows. Danny walked through the downstairs, turning off lights and checking the alarm until he finally sat down on the same goddamn couch that Steve had never replaced and resigned himself to sleeping on the torture device again. No way was he heading upstairs to sleep in any of those beds. He wasn’t even sure he could look upstairs right then. There were too many memories, too much intimacy, too much family, too much _Steve_ up there. He wasn’t ready, and for once he didn’t beat himself up about it. Not to mention that he wasn’t even sure he could physically get up there without some help.

He didn’t even bother with a blanket or pillow. He just tipped over and tried to lie very still until the pain passed, wishing that he’d told Tani to leave Eddie at home. He could use the company, the simple affection and love. Danny really needed some love right then, and he'd take what he could get. He had his kids and he had his family back in Jersey, sure, but other than that, who else loved him? Who else could he be sure loved him besides them and his best boy Eddie? His o’hana loved him of course, to a certain extent. Chin and Kono leaving had been painfully hard. They’d recovered pretty quickly at Five-0 with Tani and Junior and Adam, but it had taken a long time to recover personally. They’d each made the best decision for themselves, and Danny wanted them to be happy. He’d focused on that until he could turn his head without seeing all the ghosts they’d left behind and without the feeling that he'd been abandoned.

Like Steve, Chin and Kono had promised to text too, and they had, especially at first. Even now, they usually texted every couple of months and they spoke to each other a couple of times a year. He was certain they would always be o’hana, but he also knew things would never be the same. He was old enough to know that friends faded out of one another's lives all the time. He knew when they left that it would be the same with Chin and Kono. Now, with a few years of missing them under his belt, it only felt like a dull ache sometimes instead of like a limb that was missing. God only knew how much it was going to hurt once the reality of Steve leaving set in.

His back was hurting again, and he should’ve gotten up for his pills. Instead, he wiggled a bit, trying to find a comfortable position. It was useless though, because everything hurt. On top of everything else, he now had a pain in his chest that he was sure was mostly psychological. A broken heart is just a metaphor after all, but it really didn’t feel that way. 

Even as he tried to rest his body, he knew his mind wouldn’t rest right now. He didn’t want to keep reliving that goodbye on the beach, but he coldn’t stop. Looking back, it was hard not to feel ashamed of how he’d asked Steve to stay, the way he’d practically begged Steve to stay, more like. If he’d ever had any delusions that Steve felt for him anything at all like what he felt for Steve, that conversation demolished them. The kicker was that a few years back, a little whisper had started in his mind that said they were finally almost there. Every time he saw Steve with Charlie and every time he saw Steve talking to Nahele or hugging Grace, he heard it. Every time Danny got caught in that soft-eyed gaze that made it look like Steve thought Danny was the linchpin of the universe, he’d felt a flicker of hope. 

It wasn’t like he and Steve were getting any younger. The kids were getting older, Five-0 had a great team, retirement was on the horizon, and neither of them had anyone permanent around. The timing was good, and the whisper started getting louder, right up until Steve had disappeared off to Montana with Cath, leaving Danny in the cold for weeks. The little undercover as married farce was just the friggin’ icing on the cake. After that, he did his best to extinguish any stubborn optimism about their relationship in his stupid heart, ignoring all the little things that had almost convinced him he could have hope. Instead, he spent way too much time pushing Steve to date again, desperately trying to make sure that little flicker never came back. He’d fucked a stranger in a public restroom, trying to ease the ache in his chest, and one touch, one look from Steve undid all his work over and over again. It was so fucking unfair, and Danny was so tired of every fucking thing being so fucking unfair.

He finally dozed off sometime after the sky turned purple with the coming sunrise. His phone woke him that afternoon, Grace’s picture flashing up on the screen. Always happy to talk to his forever monkey, he answered. She did a very good job of checking on him and commiserating with him without actually mentioning Steve’s name. She was a good kid, his baby girl, and it felt good to speak to someone whose place in his life was never in question. 

They spoke for twenty minutes before Danny’s phone died because he hadn’t charged it the night before. There was a charger by the tv, so Danny hobbled over and plugged up his phone. His stomach suddenly growled loudly, and he couldn’t even remember the last thing he’d eaten. He threw a sandwich together and took his pills with a glass of milk. That out of the way, he figured it was time to quit being a big baby and attempt the stairs for a shower. It took a while, but he managed, twisting his lips at how difficult it was to get around the house now. He glanced around the bathroom that hadn’t really been updated since well before John’s death, wondering not for the first time what the fuck he was even doing there. It wasn’t his house, and what had kept him here was gone. There was really no point in his staying in that mausoleum. Steve had told him that the house was basically his, but as soon as Danny was physically able, he would find another place. Grace would probably be back for summer break by then, and she’d be glad to help him with all of it. Rachel and his o’hana would too.

He reached over to turn the faucet on, wincing at the squeaking grind of metal on metal from the ancient knobs. He determined then and there that his new place was going to have an amazing shower; that was going to be a top priority. He started to step into the shower, but suddenly paused, thinking he’d heard a noise downstairs. He briefly wished again that Eddie were there. He didn’t like feeling so apprehensive over what was probably nothing, but since he’d been kidnapped and tortured very recently, he cut himself a break. It occurred to him that if someone did come after him right then, he’d be almost helpless. He waited a moment to see if he heard it again, but when he didn’t pick up any other sounds and the alarm didn’t go off, he shrugged and stepped into the weak spray. 

If he was being honest with himself, he could admit that he was surprised Steve had been willing to leave when Danny wasn’t really in a position to defend himself against anyone bigger than Charlie. It was an extra kick in the teeth that Steve didn’t seem that worried about Danny’s safety after what they had all just been through. Danny supposed he was one of the people Steve was talking about protecting instead of himself. He also supposed he was one of the first people taken off that list. It made sense in a way. He knew how much Steve gave whenever anyone of his o’hana was hurt. That was usually cranked to eleven whenever the person hurt was Danny. Danny had kids, and Steve seemed to always prioritize Danny because of that. All that worry for one person couldn’t be good for someone needing some “me time" though. Letting go of Danny was an efficient way for Steve to let go of a lot of his worries. Shaking off _those_ super uplifting thoughts, he proceeded to scrub himself until he was pink under water that was way too hot. He stayed in there for fifteen minutes, and it was fucking fabulous. That was one plus side to Steve leaving, not having to hear shit about taking a normal shower. 

When he finished, he had to sit on the toilet lid to catch his breath. He still didn’t think he could face the bedrooms, but he probably had some clothes in the laundry room. Fastening his towel around his waist, he hit the stairs, trying his best not to fall.

He was about half-way down before the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He froze and listened for anything out of place, but all he could hear was the house settling and the dull roar of the ocean outside. Except now that he thought about it, the roar wasn't quite as _dull_ as usual; it was a good bit louder than it should be. Wishing he had his gun but knowing he’d never be able to make it back up to his gun safe, he quietly headed for the open lanai doors, hoping that it was simply Junior back checking on him and not some other friggin mortal enemy come to finish the job.

He managed to sidle up to the doors, taking a peek outside. Everything froze except for his heart that started beating so hard it scared him. Steve. Steve was there. And Catherine. Steve and Catherine together. On their beach. His beach, rather. Just the beach. What the fuck ever. He managed to suck some air into his lungs, and he didn’t really know whether to laugh or cry. He truly did not know how much more of this bullshit he could take, mentally or physically. Obviously something had happened and they needed help; there was no other reason for Steve to be back. Bound for Steve to find trouble in less than 24 hours, and bound for him to think it was okay to come straight back to Danny for help.

He couldn't really blame the man though. Steve’s problems had been Danny’s problems too for so long, but he didn’t have it in him right then to deal with whatever crisis must be brewing. If Steve could so easily put aside his concern for Danny, Danny figured he could return the favor. He couldn’t keep sacrificing his own well-being either, especially not for someone who apparently didn’t even appreciate the gesture enough to stick around. Steve had always been a good friend, he just hadn't been the friend Danny had thought, and Steve wasn’t going to be by his side until the end. Danny had to get over the need to always help Steve, to always put Steve first. If the last week had taught him anything, it was that keeping his life so wrapped up in Steve’s had been a mistake.

Stepping back from the doors, he went into the laundry room and found some underwear and a clean set of workout clothes. He slipped them on as quickly as he could, and stood frozen, wondering what to do next. His phone was still by the tv. If he could get to it before anyone came back in, he could maybe limp to the neighbor’s yard and call a cab. He didn't have a place of his own anymore, but he could go to Rachel’s or a hotel, just anywhere. Anywhere Steve and Catherine _weren’t_. 


	2. Mary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who left kudos and comments. I forgot how great it feels when someone likes your work. I intend to post on Thursdays from now on, but depending on my life/work, it might be Mondays sometimes. For the purposes of this story, Adam's status at Five-0 is still up in the air, and Grace is in her second semester at UCLA. This is a sort of transitional chapter, but it's necessary to get us to the meat of what happened to bring Steve back in chapter 1. Thanks again for reading, and kudos and comments are very, very appreciated!

She’d just rinsed the shampoo out of her hair when she heard the phone, and she nearly fell on her ass trying to grab it off the back of the toilet tank. Joanie was on a play date, and she refused to miss a call when her daughter was away. She’d been around cops for too long not to think about a million ways danger could find her kid, so she maybe was a little extra vigilant sometimes. She smiled as she saw the caller though, touching the screen to answer even if it wasn’t about Joan.

“Hey, Gracie! I hope you’re not calling for bail money again,” Mary answered with a mischievous grin.

“No, I’m- I’m not calling about that, Aunt Mary,” an oddly choked voice replied.

Now normally, Grace would have taken the bait Mary had handed her and run with it. She’d have given Mary crap about how Mary was a former problem child herself, or she’d have joked about how she needed money for a lawyer to fight the extradition back to Hawaii for unpaid parking tickets. Something. There was none of that though, and it had Mary’s mom-senses tingling.

“What’s going on, Gracie? I can tell from your voice that something’s wrong,” Mary soothed.

“Yeah, something is way wrong, and I’m really worried, and I don’t know what to do!” Grace cried, the words running together because she was speaking so quickly.

Mary blinked in surprise at the outburst. “Okay, okay, baby girl, just take a breath for me. Deep breaths, in and out.” Mary waited a few moments, counting out slow breaths until it sounded like Grace was finally getting enough air. Drying herself off quickly, she sat on the side of her bed. “Talk to me, okay. Let's figure out what I can do to make it better.”

“I don’t know that you _can_ make it better, but somebody has to do something,” Grace cried, her words still jumbled and rapid. “I can’t call my mom or my grandma about it,” she continued, “because Dad would get so, so mad, but he’s alone, Aunt Mary, and I don’t want him to be alone.” She let out a shaky breath before Mary heard her sobbing softly.

Mary’s heart was breaking just listening to Grace, and she was starting to freak out a little. She knew all about Danny’s injuries and even about the cypher and all the other bullshit that had happened with Doris and Mrs. Wo Fat. Mary was like Steve in that she couldn’t help feeling guilty about what had gone down, nevermind she'd had nothing to do with it and was pretty much a victim in the whole freaking saga herself. The guilt maybe had her keeping a closer eye on Danny’s recovery, especially since she talked to Grace a lot more often now. 

When Grace had decided to go to UCLA, Danny had taken Mary out to dinner to ask her personally to keep an eye on Grace while she was in LA. He acted like he was asking some huge favor, but it wasn’t like that. Mary was freaking _honored_ that a dad like Danny trusted her to keep an eye on his kid. Besides, Gracie was a great girl, and Mary genuinely liked her.

So when Gracie moved on campus, Mary had made a point of texting her regularly, which had turned into regular lunch dates and even a few spa days with her and Joanie. It was also really awesome having someone she trusted who could babysit Joan when Mary needed a break. Hearing Gracie call her “Aunt” was one of her favorite things in the world now, and she’d be damned if she wouldn’t try to fix whatever was hurting her honorary niece.

“Grace, I can’t help you until you tell me what’s wrong? What’s wrong with Danny? Why is he alone? Where’s Steve?” 

Gracie scoffed wetly, “Steve left! He just left him there alone, and he shouldn’t be alone. He can barely move. He’s still using his cane to walk, and he has respiratory therapy, and he’s going to have to start PT soon and all kinds of other things I don’t even know about. I can’t go back home yet because I still have finals, but I’m so scared for him, Aunt Mary,” her voice had gone quiet at the end before the soft sobs started again.

Mary took a deep breath, her expression morphing into what Danny would’ve easily recognized as “aneurysm face”. If Danny needed help, then she was gonna figure out how to get Danny help. “Okay, where is everyone else?” she asked briskly.

“Lou is there but he and Tani and Junior are gonna have to run Five-0 themselves. They have Quinn and some new guy is around, but now they’re down three people because I guess nobody is sure what’s going on with Adam. I was about to just get on a plane and go home, but my roommate stopped me because Danno’d kill me if I missed finals. Besides, he’d just tell me that everything was okay, that he can take a cab to his appointments and Junior and Eddie will check on him or something. Tani’s the one who called me and told me what’s going on. She’s worried about him too, but Dad would flip if he thought she was leaving Five-0 shorthanded just to stay with him. But I know he needs help because he told me yesterday that he didn’t think he’d be able to get his time with Charlie this week because he’s still having so much trouble getting around. I figured Danno’d have to be in a coma before he'd miss more time with Charlie, so it’s bad. This is so wrong, Aunt Mary. He’d never let anyone else go through something like this all alone.” 

Grace had worked herself up into full-on sobs at that point, and Mary felt like sobbing right along with her. She still needed to know one thing though. “Okay, so where the hell is my brother?”

“I don’t know,” Gracie answered, voice thick and sounding as lost as Mary felt right then. “He just told Danno and the o’hana that he had to go. That he couldn’t take all of the pressure anymore, I guess. Dad said back before he got hurt that Steve was talking about leaving for a while, he said he needed to find himself, to get some time to figure out what he wants and where he wants to be. But I guess with my dad isn’t one of the places he wants to be, because Tani said Unc- _Steve_ left about an hour ago, and Danno is still outside on the beach. Aunt Mary, he didn’t even say goodbye to Charlie or Nahele. He didn’t call me either. He just left, like it was nothing, like Danno is nothing.”

Mary did not miss the way Gracie had stopped herself from calling Steve her uncle. God, she was gonna rip Steve a new one for this once she tracked him down. No one got to hurt Gracie like this and get away with it, and that included her own brother. “And he didn’t tell anyone where he’s going?” Mary asked, nervously cracking her knuckles.

“All I know,” Gracie managed, “is that he told the o’hana that he didn’t know where he was going yet and he didn’t know when he’d be back. Tani doesn’t think he told Dad either.”

Mary was pretty much in shock at that point. It wasn’t a secret that Steve had been talking about taking a break, and she was fully onboard with that. The man hadn’t taken a real vacation in the past ten years at least, and Mary’d always been half-convinced Steve was a stroke waiting to happen anyway. Still, she’d had no idea that he was planning on just up and leaving everyone behind so suddenly. She was more than a little hurt that he hadn’t bothered to tell her and Joanie goodbye either or at the very least let her know where he was going. Mostly, she was having trouble wrapping her head around the fact that he’d left his best friend, his best _everything_ , like that. It didn’t even sound like Steve.

Shaking her head, she spoke softly, “Okay, Gracie. We’ll take care of this, we’ll take care of your dad,” _and my brother_ , she added in her head. “I need to make some phone calls, sweetheart, so I’m going to have to hang-up. Are you by yourself?” She didn’t really want to end the call with Grace so upset, but she had to get a handle on this. 

“No, my roommate is here,” Grace paused to sniff, “I stepped out in the hall to talk, but she’s inside. She bought me cupcakes.” 

“Nice,” Mary smiled, putting Grace on speaker as she got out her laptop. She’d met the roommate once, and she seemed like a nice girl. And if she’d kept Grace from running back to Oahu and fucking up her whole semester, then she was okay in Mary’s book. “Gracie, I need to figure some things out before we decide what to do, but I promise that when I find out exactly what’s going on, I’ll call you. We’re going to figure this out, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you, Aunt Mary, thank you. I love you!” Grace was still crying, but she sounded a little relieved already.

Mary closed her eyes for a moment, acknowledging to herself that it was really scary having someone have faith in her like that. “You’re welcome, honey. Love you, too," she ended the call, flopping back onto her bed and staring hard at the ceiling. First things first, she had to get in touch with Steve. She’d have called him, but he was likely in a plane somewhere over the Pacific right now. Even if he weren’t though, she wasn’t sure how much calling her brother would help, because he had a bad habit of taking off on his own and cutting off all communication. She couldn’t help but be concerned that Steve leaving was down to some more of Doris’ bullshit or something to do with the Navy or CIA. This didn’t have the feel of that though. Apparently Steve let people know he was leaving this time, giving _some_ people a chance to say goodbye. Unless Steve was way down the rabbit hole, that didn’t seem very covert.

She decided it was probably a better idea to text him anyway, especially considering if she spoke to him it’d be impossible not to yell at him and tell him he’s a fucking dumbass. She plucked up her phone and started typing:

**_Just got a call from Grace._ **

**_She’s really upset._**

**_Told me that you left home._ **

**_Also told me that you left Danny too and that he’s still really injured._ **

**_Grace is scared and hurt._ **

**_I don’t get what you’re doing._** **_It better not be some more stupid shit about mom or the CIA._ **

**_None of it’s worth leaving your family behind._ ** **_I figured you of all people would know that._ **

**_Call me when you land, ASAP._ **

It was probably a waste of time texting Steve, because if he was intent on taking off like some misunderstood loner, he probably wouldn’t reply even if he read the message. She certainly wasn’t expecting him to, at any rate. She hit send anyway.

Her instincts were telling her what she needed to do. She loved Danny for what he was to her brother and to Grace, and he was a great guy; he was _family_. That having been said, Mary’d never actually spent that much time with Danny, and she knew him well enough to be sure he was the type who probably wouldn’t like just anyone seeing him so vulnerable. According to Grace he wouldn’t want Rachel or even his own mother to know what shape he’s in, much less the little sister of his AWOL friend who’s really only involved because Danny’s teenage daughter was freaking out. The whole thing was a fucking mess, and she knew Danny was going to think she was only helping out of pity, even if that wasn’t it at all. He was going to be too embarrassed to let her see how hurt he was or how difficult PT was or anything like that, and she could only think of a very few people who Danny might let see him like that.

With that in mind, she knew what she had to do. Deciding that she didn’t really want to get the team involved until she knew if her plan was even gonna get off the ground, she reached out to someone else who might have the info she needed. She googled the number for HPD, swearing under her breath when an automated operator answered and made her choose a hundred damn options before transferring her to an actual person. She barely let the person on the other end answer before she started speaking. She was put on hold for an annoyingly long time, but the wait paid off when a familiar voice greeted her. 

As upset as she was, she still smiled at hearing her family’s old friend, “Duke, aloha! This is Mary McGarrett. Listen, I’m so sorry to bother you like this out of the blue, but I need you to find me a phone number fast. It's kind of an emergency.” A few minutes and a very brief, very vague explanation later, she had what she needed, including a promise from Duke that he wouldn’t mention this to Five-0 just yet. 

Info in hand, she dialed so quickly she kept hitting the wrong numbers. Blowing out a massive breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, she got a hold of herself and managed to get it right on the fourth try. The call connected after a few rings, and a smooth voice answered, “This is Captain Kelly”.

Mary was already pulling her suitcase out from under her bed when she responded, “Aloha, Chin Ho, this is Mary McGarrett, and, brah, I really need your help.” 


	3. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to see what the hell Steve was thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up that the rest of this story is not Catherine-friendly. This entire chapter is from Steve's POV, and he's a little messed up. I just want to be clear that I don't agree with all of the things he "thinks" about himself because he's not emotionally stable or healthy at this point. I don't think there are any triggers here, but please let me know if I'm wrong. I'll always be glad to add warnings I've overlooked. Thanks again for all the kudos and comments! You guys are amazing!

He’d never felt as torn in his life as he did that afternoon. Not when he’d had to leave Cath in Afghanistan, not even when he’d had to leave Freddie in North Korea. He’d mourned and felt guilty and made himself miserable looking back at the what-ifs, but at the time, he hadn’t taken more than a few moments to second-guess himself. Feeling like this sucked really hard. 

It’s just that he’d been so scared for weeks. It’s just that he  _ was _ _ still _ so scared. Not just at night, when the nightmares about Danny dying in his arms came, but during the day when he worried about Danny suffering complications or Daiyu Mei escaping from custody like her husband had tended to do. He’d been scared constantly since he’d heard Danny being taken. Constantly. He’d worried himself sick over Danny more times than he could count, but he'd never been this scared. It was slowly killing him. 

He knew, whether anyone believed him or not, that he hadn't been in a good place for a long while. Since before Joe and Doris, since the radiation sickness probably, certainly since Danny had been shot in quarantine. He did what he always did though, and devoted a lot of time to ignoring it, but his job and his family made that more and more difficult. He felt like a jenga tower that was going to topple if one more piece was pulled out from under him. Then Danny was taken, and that was that. He could feel himself tipping over in slow motion. He told himself over and over,  _ now’s not the time. Danny is laid up in the hospital, he almost died again, and you’re getting all torn up about some nightmares and weird midlife angst.  _ That didn’t help though. He wasn’t able to talk himself out of it this time. He wasn’t able to set it aside and focus like he needed to — focus on Danny, focus on work, focus on anything. He was completely freaked out. Everybody could carry on about him having super powers or being able to fight like a machine, but he knew deep down that the root of most of his success boiled down to his ability to focus with precision in almost any circumstance. Almost being the operative term here, because it seemed to be gone now. Right when Danny needed him so much, Steve just couldn’t come up with the goods. 

And, oh he was so embarrassed by that. Intellectually, he knew that was wrong. He’d never, ever thought less of any vet, or anyone else for that matter, who developed mental health issues. He knew that he should’ve had a  _ lot _ more therapy and psychiatric care than he’d ever sought out or received. Still, knowing it and feeling it were two different things, and Steve was stuck in a place where he was all feeling and very little knowing. He didn’t recognize himself, and maybe that’s where the embarrassment came in too, the utter lack of confidence in himself at this point.  Maybe that’s even why his plan, such as it was, was so crappy. He couldn’t get his mind to work like he needed, and he didn’t know what the fuck to do with all the emotions popping and fizzing in his mind and body. Danny probably could have helped, but Danny was the one who needed help right then, help Steve didn't think he could give. And there came the shame right behind the embarrassment. What kind of friend was he that he couldn’t set this aside? What kind of man was he that all he wanted to do right then was run? Run away as far and as fast as he could before anyone saw what a wreck he was. He wasn’t sure if it was pride or just a simple need to retain some dignity, but the result was the same regardless — he needed away ASAP.

That stung too, the knowledge that he was willing to leave before Danny recovered. He managed to keep his shit on lock until Danny was released from the hospital. He took him home, set him up in the spare room he'd kicked Junior out of, and spent Danny’s first night back looking for flights out of Hawaii. He felt like a bastard, but he told himself that Danny knew this was coming. He’d told him before the kidnapping that he needed a break, and now he was just following through on it. Danny, he figured, would be fine. The o'hana would look out for him, and Grace would be home in a few weeks, depending on finals. He steadfastly refused to think about how much responsibility he was willing to lay on Grace just so he could bolt.

He hadn't done a good job of convincing himself though, because when he sat Danny down on his second day home to tell him he was leaving, he still couldn’t look his friend in the eye. He knew if he looked up, Danny would be fighting not to seem disappointed or angry. Two days out of the hospital, and Steve was already making things harder. That just proved the point, he reasoned, that Danny would be better off when Steve left because he was only going to slow down his recovery. He was man enough to admit that he also really didn’t want Danny there if he fell apart. There were a number of reasons for that — ego, concern, guilt, love _ , so much love _ — but he didn’t feel like looking too hard at those and instead concentrated on the fact that Danny shouldn’t be put in a position where he’d end up having to take care of Steve. He spent half the time convinced he was being a selfless friend and the other half convinced he was being a selfish asshole. If they weren’t such contradictions, he’d swear it was both — and hell maybe it was. What the fuck did he know?

And if he’d thought  _ that _ conversation was hard, he didn’t know shit. Because actually saying goodbye when he knew Danny didn’t want him to go? That had been hard. Actually telling Danny that he didn’t know where he was going or when he’d be back? That had been hard. Reminding Danny that he’d always be his Danno? That had made him absolutely ache for something he knew he couldn’t have. Telling the man that he’d only stuck around to solve his family’s mystery and not because he’d found his home with Five-0, with  _ Danny _ ? That had been ten seconds from ringing the bell hard. Hell week, losing his dad, losing Deb, losing Doris again, those were nothing compared to that. Telling his best friend a hurtful, bald-faced lie just so he could hide exactly how much of a chicken-shit he was? He couldn't remember anything worse. 

How he’d managed to keep his composure, he’d never know. Maybe it was the last gasp of his self-esteem asserting itself; whatever it was, he was grateful. He managed to only look back once, and for about five seconds he was sure he couldn’t do it. He saw how small Danny looked sitting there, and he wanted to run right back to hold him and kiss him and never let go. And if that wasn’t the most overwhelming thing he’d ever faced in his own head, he didn’t know what was. Because that was the real problem wasn’t it? That was the monster in the closet that he didn’t want to examine too closely, that he was so afraid of letting loose into the world, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it in check. 

So the way he figured it, there were a lot of reasons to get the hell out of Hawaii. It was the only option he could see that got him enough fucking breathing room so he could think about what he needed or wanted beyond just  _ Danny _ . He kept telling himself it was a considered retreat, but he was really running scared. 

The goodbye with the o'hana was rough, but he couldn’t even get too torn up over it. All he could think about was the relief and regret all jumbled up in his head — in his heart. He’d miss them, deeply, but he was about maxed out on the amount of emotion his body could contain at that point. He said goodbye, and refused to look back again. He was tempted to turn his phone off for a while just to make sure no one called with a last-ditch effort to get him to stay or to tell them his plans. He put it on do not disturb instead, only allowing Danny and Lou as exceptions. Danny might never speak to him again, and Lou wouldn’t bother him unless there was a real emergency. It was the best he could do.

He managed to get through airport security fairly quickly and was on a plane to LAX before he knew it. His phone buzzed, and he wasn’t sure if he dreaded seeing Danny’s or Lou’s name more. He pulled up the message, and, Jesus Christ, it hurt like a bitch because he missed Danny already too. He had a sinking suspicion he was never going to escape that, unable to picture a world where he’d be away from Danny and like it. He looked out the window and forced himself to believe he was doing the right thing. He turned eventually when he felt someone stop in the aisle, eyes landing on probably the last person he’d expected to see. _Will_ _this day never fucking end?_ he wondered. He felt like he’d already been put through the wringer, and now here stood Catherine Rollins, looking beautiful and apologetic and hopeful. Too stunned and tired to do much else, he’d let her take her seat and held her hand, and he’d done his level best not to think of his best friend sitting all alone with nobody to hold  _ his _ hand. 

One of the best things about Cath had always been that she knew when to let Steve process. She didn’t immediately start asking him a million questions or start trying to catch up on his life. He couldn’t even fake enough enthusiasm to ask about what was going on in her life, even if he’d thought he’d get an honest answer. She was his friend though, if nothing else. Not his best friend, and he felt a little juvenile for even thinking that, but maybe his oldest. She knew he was struggling, and she gave him the time he needed.

After he’d gotten some pretzels and a beer from the attendant, she finally started talking. She explained how Cole had contacted her, and how he’d been the one to let her know Steve was leaving the island. She’d taken a leap of faith that he cared enough not to send her away if she joined him on the flight, smiling with a coyness that he’d once found endearing but now simply made him suspicious. Their friendship was so far beyond tainted, and he was pretty sure she didn’t care how much damage she’d left in her wake. He was completely sure though that she’d call the sacrifice of their relationship for her career worth it, and the man she’d first met all those years ago would’ve agreed with her. It was hardly her fault that he’d changed so much. It wasn’t his either.

They chatted awhile about some mutual friends from their Navy days. She asked about the team and even seemed truly interested. He couldn’t help but notice though that neither of them had mentioned Danny yet.  “I feel like there’s an elephant in the room, and I’m not sure why that is," he stated flatly. 

She sighed before replying, “I know, I know. I really didn’t want to bring up something so painful though, not right now.”

His eyebrow rose in surprise. “Uhm, that’s… thank you? I mean it is painful, really painful, but I’m a little surprised…,” he trailed off, trying to think of a way to say “surprised you’re being this sympathetic” without sounding like an ass.

“Steve,” she chided, “I know we’ve had our issues and that we aren’t close like we used to be, but I still know you. I can’t even imagine how losing Doris has affected you.”

He was puzzled for a few seconds (he blamed the beer and emotional exhaustion) before realizing that’s why she thought he was leaving. Because of Doris. And he guessed that was reasonable enough. How many of his decisions had been guided by her so-called death or by the aftereffects of her disappearance? It wasn’t like Doris’ death  _ wasn’t _ one of his problems, it just sort of paled in comparison to seeing a bloody Danny dangling by his wrists, to seeing nothing but a wall of black in his head when he thought about how close he'd come to losing Danny. 

It dawned on him that she was being disingenuous though. She knew what had happened to Danny, and not only had she not asked about his health, she wouldn’t even acknowledge how the whole incident must be affecting Steve. He’d always been just a little bit in denial about how much Cath knew about his feelings for Danny, and she’d been willing to let him keep it up over the years. He wasn’t sure if she knew all the different ways he loved Danny, but she must've known just how  _ much _ he loved him. She’d even been happy about it once upon a time, happy that he’d found a friend, that he’d found someone with some backbone, that he had a partner who had his back no matter what. That happiness faded while she’d worked with Five-0, morphing into varying degrees of irritation with him and Danny throughout their relationship. He’d always wondered what it had cost her to call Danny from Afghanistan, and he couldn’t deny that his idea of proposing to her when she came back stemmed from his guilt that he'd always put his friendship with Danny before his relationship with her.

He didn’t even try to call her on the prevarication. If she didn't want to unpack all of his Danny baggage anytime soon, he couldn't blame her. What was the point of arguing about it anyway when it was really none of her business how he felt about Danny or Doris, or anyone else for that matter? He simply nodded his head, showing that he'd at least heard her even if she wasn't right.

Finally, she pinned him down with one of her “I know you better than you know yourself” looks that he absolutely hated. He really only tolerated that from one person, and he’d left him back in Honolulu. “So what’s the plan, sailor?” she asked, smirking slightly at the old nickname. “Where are you headed once you hit the mainland?” 

In fact, he totally did not know, and for some reason he totally did not want to share that with her. Going with the easy answer instead, he replied, “The first place is Mary’s. It’s been a while, and I really wanna see her and Joanie.”

Cath smiled, obviously approving of that answer. Had her smiles always been like that? Approving or disapproving? Had she always seemed this patronizing? Had he never noticed? She was obviously waiting for more from him, so he sort of cleared his throat, not knowing what else to add.

Rolling her eyes at how clueless she thought he was, she asked, “And would you like some company? I might know a friend who has some free time who would love to join you. That is, if you think you really can forgive her.”

His first instinct was to tell her no. He was ashamed and sad, and he didn't really need an audience for that. At the same time though, she was his friend and she did care about him. Not to the extent that he’d once wished, and maybe more now than he wanted, but it felt good to be around someone who he didn’t think he could fail. Actually, he could fail her, he just knew it wouldn’t bother him that much if he did. That probably made him a callous asshole, but she was a bit of one too. Maybe they deserved each other. At any rate, he wondered if it might  be helpful to have a friend with him once the reality of what he’d done set in. He wanted to be alone, yeah, but he also realized that might not be the best idea, at least for the first few days. Having Cath around might keep him from having a breakdown in front of his sister or from disappearing into a jungle somewhere. He finally smiled ruefully, answering, "I think I can forgive her, yeah. I already have, as a matter of fact. And I wouldn't mind having her tag along for a while."

She graced him with another approving smile, clearly satisfied with herself. He could practically see the word "mistake" flashing in big, neon letters above her head, but when she held her hand out to him again, he took it anyway. It felt wrong, he felt wrong, everything was  _ wrong, wrong, wrong _ , but he still held on tight. He really was a fucking nincompoop. 


	4. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for Mary to have a talk with her brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this is only a day late! I want to thank everyone again for all your kudos and comments. I know this chapter is long, but there didn't seem to be any logical breaking point. Besides, the next chapter is when we finally get the boys in the same room, and I'm sure everyone is ready for that to happen. Prepare for some fireworks. In the meantime, here's Mary being her very own little firecracker and Steve catching a clue.

After another hour or so of chatting with Cath, he looked down at his phone and resisted checking his texts. He couldn’t have gotten a new one from Danny on the plane anyway, but he was sorely tempted to look at that last text again. He kept turning it over in his head, like pushing on a bruise, leaving him confused and melancholy. He turned to Cath, “I think maybe I’m going to close my eyes for a little while, if that’s okay?” his voice sounded as drained as he felt. “It’s been a long day.”

“Of course,” she answered warmly. “I’ll wake you when we start the descent.” 

“Thanks,” he mumbled, turning his head toward the window and closing his eyes. Cath woke him as promised, and once they’d landed, they gathered their bags and exited to the gate. It was nearly two in the morning in LA, so Cath requested an Uber to the Hilton by the airport. 

He glanced over at her once they were on their way, the streetlights casting an orange glow on her pale skin. 

“You know, I thought I made it clear back when Joe—when Joe passed,” he stumbled, abruptly breaking the silence, “I thought it was clear that I’d forgiven you back then,” only now addressing her tentativeness when she’d first approached him. Thankfully their driver was ignoring them, studiously listening to something else on his earbuds.

Raising an eyebrow, Cath replied, “It wasn’t clear. It very much was _not._ It was clear that you still trusted me to do a job, that you still trusted me to do right by Joe, but I had no idea where we stood as—friends,” she finished, making the final word sound a bit like a question. He didn’t bother answering it if it was, so she powered on, “But it _was_ clear that you didn’t want Danny around, so I thought maybe …” she trailed off.

“You thought maybe what? That you could take his place? That I could only have one friend at a time?” he laughed, trying not to sound as insulted as he felt. “Cath, you’re my oldest friend.”

“There was a time when I was also your best friend,” she reminded him. 

He couldn’t deny that when he’d been thinking something similar a few hours ago. He couldn’t help remembering the time when Danny had felt jealous of Nick’s friendship. His connection to Nick wasn’t even in the same galaxy as the one he had with Danny, even back then, so maybe it was natural for her to feel threatened or demoted. He had no intention of admitting that though, instead motioning for her to continue.

“I guess I thought that if you didn’t want Danny around, then maybe there was room for me to be that person for you again.”

His mouth screwed up in irritation. She made it sound like they’d ended because he had replaced her with Danny, when she knew good and goddamn well that he hadn’t pushed her out of his life, she’d walked out. He _had_ made room for her even if Danny took up a lot of territory, but apparently it wasn’t enough. Besides, he had very much wanted Danny there with him in Montana. He hadn’t called Cath because he was trading Danny in, he just needed someone who understood the job. He’d truly forgiven her by that point though, accepting that her career was the biggest part of her life. “You know that’s not how it works, right?” he snapped. “I wasn’t holding an audition for a new best friend, and to be very clear, I’m not holding an audition for one now, either.”

Her eyes widened, and she quickly tried to calm him, “Steve, that’s not why I’m here, okay? That’s not what I meant. I guess I’m just saying that I wasn’t positive we were in a place where we could be true friends again, that’s all. But if you say we are, then we are. Nothing would make me happier,” she confessed.

“Yeah,” he ultimately cleared his throat, agreeing, “I’m glad we are too.” He was too tired to analyze if that was true or not.

Neither of them said anything more until they reached the hotel. They settled on booking one room since they only planned to stay long enough to sleep for a few hours and grab a shower. Steve ignored how Cath’s eyebrows drew together ever so slightly when he specifically asked for two beds. He was a hot mess, but he still knew better than to jump right into bed with her. He didn’t want to sleep with her—he genuinely didn't feel that way about her and he never would again. She was familiar, and he needed that until he could get his feet underneath him. Still and all, he couldn’t help thinking she was angling for more. The fact that he wasn’t sure if “more” included sleeping with him, recruiting him, or both, spoke volumes. 

They made it into their room, and he managed to stay awake long enough to brush his teeth. Cath slipping under the sheets of her bed and whispering, “Goodnight, Steve,” was the last thing he knew before sleep took him.

His eyes popped open a few hours later, the clock in the room letting him know it was a little after six in the morning. Cath was still sound asleep, so he quietly gathered his bag and headed into the en suite to take a shower. By the time he was clean and dressed, his stomach was growling loudly, reminding him he hadn’t eaten anything the night before besides a few pretzels. Cath hadn’t either, but he didn’t want to wake her just to see if she was hungry. He decided he’d give her a while longer, grabbing the key card and heading down the hallway to see if there was a vending machine nearby. There was, so he grabbed a pack of crackers and some water. He sat on a bench by the elevator to eat, not wanting to wake Cath with the cellophane and crunching sounds.

After a few crackers, he grabbed his phone to see if any of the hotels close to Mary’s had rooms available. Sliding his hand over the screen, he had to switch off airplane mode. He was annoyed that he forgot to do it the night before, but it was probably the only reason his phone wasn’t dead. 

The screen lit up immediately with several text notifications, all from Mary. Pleased at the thought of seeing her and Joanie very soon, he opened the texts, his grin disappearing slowly to as he read. 

**_Just got a call from Grace._ **

**_She’s really upset. Told me that you left home._ **

**_Also told me that you left Danny too and that he’s still really injured._ **

**_Grace is scared and hurt._ **

**_I don’t get what you’re doing._ **

**_It better not be some more stupid shit about mom or the CIA._ **

**_None of it’s worth leaving your family behind._ **

**_I figured you of all people would know that._ **

**_Call me when you land, ASAP._ **

He noticed a vague buzzing in his ears, but the only thing he could see was **_Grace is scared and hurt, Grace is scared and hurt,_ **over and over. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Had something else happened with Danny? Did Grace know something Steve didn’t about Danny’s injuries? He felt the familiar pressure of anxiety settle over his chest as he called Mary, not caring how early it was when he was so freaked out. 

When the call connected, he could only blink when he got a snarled “Where the hell are you?” instead of a hello.

“What the fuck, Mary! What’s going on? Did something else happen to Danny?” he practically shouted.

It was only hearing the genuine panic in his voice that kept her from screaming at him. “As far as I know, he’s in the same shape you left him in. But from what I’m hearing, that wasn’t very good shape.”

He exhaled a sharp breath, closing his eyes in relief. “So then what’s with the texts? What’s going on with Grace?” he asked, anxious concern still clear in his voice

“Nuh uh. Me first. Where are you, Steven?”

Sighing, he answered, “I’m at the LAX Hilton. My plane got in late, so I got a room. I was planning to visit with you and Joanie, if that’s okay with you.”

“Fine! I think that’s a great idea!” she replied, giving him the go-ahead with sarcastic enthusiasm. “I’ll even make breakfast.”

“I, uh. Okay. I’ll head over as soon as possible. I’ll let you know when we’re on our way.”

“We?” she asked, sounding surprised.

“Yeah, um, funny thing actually, turns out Catherine helped the team crack mom’s cypher. I guess the new guy told her I was leaving the island, and she wanted to join me for a while. Catch up, ya know.” It was the truth, so he had no clue why he sounded hesitant.

“Catherine Rollins, huh?” she said, almost to herself, but he could feel the waves of disapproval radiating just from her breathing. “Well, bring her too, bro! We’ll all catch up over a cozy breakfast!” 

“Mary—” he started.

Cutting him off with, “Whatever. I’ll see you both soon,” she disconnected the call.

He booked it down to his room, opening the door right as Cath was stepping out of the bathroom. She had obviously taken a Navy shower and changed into fresh clothing. Smiling widely, she wondered, “Are you as hungry as I am?”

“Yeah, about that. Listen, I just talked to Mary and she’s invited us over for breakfast.” He tried to sound happy, uneasy about sharing the fact that it wasn’t going to be a fun visit.

She could obviously tell something was wrong, but she pleasantly agreed, “That sounds great! Let’s move out then. Did you already check-out?”

He shook his head as he threw his deodorant and toothbrush back into his bag, “No, but I can do it on my phone. I’ll request an Uber too.”

They were on their way within ten minutes and walked up to Mary’s door about thirty minutes after that. His sister threw it open before he could raise his hand to knock. She opened the door wide, inviting them in with a mocking sweep of her hand, and set off toward the back of the house. Steve and Catherine looked at each other before closing the door behind them. Neither failed to notice no hug had been offered, not even a “good to see you”. Mary was _pissed._

They had no choice but to follow her, and he was surprised to see her sitting at her small kitchen table with three plates of eggs and toast on it. She kicked out the chair across from her, looking pointedly at Steve and then the chair. He took the hint and sat down. Catherine, looking more than a little uncomfortable, took the seat next to him. With a terse “eat up”, they all dug in, no one speaking until the silence was excruciating. Taking his last bite of eggs, Steve had had enough.

“Alright, Mary, what’s with the silent treatment? What the hell is wrong with you?” It was one thing to treat him like crap, but she had no business treating Catherine the same way.

“Well, brother of mine, if you want the short answer, you are what’s wrong with me. If you want the long answer, you being such a callous asshole that you were willing to bail on Danny right when he needed you most, that is what’s wrong with me. Getting a call from a sobbing Grace wondering why you left, wondering who was going to take care of Danny now, wondering why you couldn’t be there for him the way he’s always been there for you? That’s what’s wrong with me,” she finished, so outraged she was practically panting.

“Why was—she was crying? I don’t …” he paused, gathering his thoughts. “Look, I didn’t run it past her or anything, Mary, but she has to know that I didn’t leave him alone, okay. The rest of the o’hana is there. They love—” his voice broke over the word, “they love him too. What did she even tell you?”

She gave him the gist of her phone call the day before with Grace. As she spoke, Steve’s pallor got greyer and greyer until he finally closed his eyes and bowed his head, unable to look at how disappointed and angry she was. He felt shame pushing down on his shoulders again.

“Yo, earth to Steve,” Mary said sharply, waving her hand to get his attention. He lifted his wet eyes to meet her own infuriated ones, suddenly afraid he was going to start bawling. Before he could make a fool of himself, he stood up and grabbed her hand, dragging her through the backdoor into the yard. Throwing a “Cath, I need to speak to Mary alone for a few minutes” over his shoulder, he marched his sister all the way to the back fence

She jerked her arm away, and he let her go, suddenly absolutely incensed. Where the hell did she get off scolding him like that? She had no idea what all he’d been through. Hell, he’d been the one to make sure she _didn’t_ know most of it. She hadn’t watched Joe die or Doris die, she hadn’t watched her best friend nearly die because of their mom’s stupid shit. That didn’t even include all the horrors he’d seen in the Navy and all the pain that had pummeled him while he’d headed Five-0. 

He turned to her, hissing, “I did what I thought I had to do, and I don’t give a damn who likes it, Mary. You don’t know everything that’s happened, and I don’t want you to, but you should know me better than to think I did this just for the hell of it. I didn’t want to leave, I fucking had to, and it doesn’t matter who understands that, not you or Grace or anybody!”

“You’re absolutely right," she yelled back, "I don’t know what you’ve been through because you never fucking talk to me! Why are you like this? Why is every fucking thing such a secret? How is anyone supposed to know what you’ve been through so they could try to sympathize? How could anyone ever know when or how to help you when you play everything so damn close to the vest? If you need help with what you’ve been through, you have people you can trust who would’ve helped you!” she cried, tears streaking her cheeks.

Gulping in a stuttered breath, she kept on, “You have people who love you and who would’ve done anything to keep you from feeling like you were out of choices. You have Danny and your o’hana, you have _me_. But now Tani is calling Grace because she’s so worried about Danny, Grace is calling me because she’s so worried about him, and I’m sitting here wondering why my brother isn’t so worried about him. If they can see that he’s not okay on his own and won’t be for a while, why can't you see it?” she finished, her voice trembling with emotion.

He didn’t have the guts to answer her with the truth: _Oh, I know he’s not okay but I’m not okay either and I had to leave because I’m so worn out and so scared that something else will happen to him and he won’t make it and my life will be over because I love him so much that I think he might be my actual fucking soulmate or something stupid like that._

Growing frustrated with his silence, she continued, “You’re tearing up your family! Mom ripped our family apart, but you actually got a chance at a second one, and now you’re hurting everyone who cares about you. There’s no reason you can’t ask for help dealing with your shit. I want you to be happy, and they want you to be happy, Steve. If leaving is really what you need, then they'll help you with that too, help you to do it in a healthy way, but you have to _let them._ So don’t stand there and tell me you didn’t have any other choice when we both know that you did, you just refuse to see it. 

There’s no reason it has to go down like this. Dude, you love Danny so much, whether you want to admit it to me or not, and you can't escape that. You've been trying to avoid it for a long time," she continued, jerking her head back toward the house to indicate Cath had been a major key to that evasion, "but it won't work anymore. Danny and his family are too much of who you are now. If you walk away from that, you're never gonna be whole again. Please don’t fuck up your life because you’re scared. Don’t put your family through this. Those kids love you, man, so hard, and you’re just gonna skip out on them? That’s what a self-absorbed dick would do, and you haven’t been one of those in a long time.”

He stood there with his chest heaving, unsure if he was going to pass out or scream. Where the fuck did anyone, including his own sister, get off telling him how he was supposed to live? He loved his family too, but he had a right to decide on his own what he needed. And maybe his o’hana would’ve helped him, but they shouldn’t have had to, especially not Danny and the kids, _not_ _again_. It didn’t matter that he still had so many of his own doubts about what he was doing, because this was his life and no one had any right to judge him. If this was a mistake, it was his mistake to make, dammit!

His brain stumbled at that— _his mistake to make._ He suddenly remembered thinking something very similar once before, back when he’d decided to smoke weed at the Academy even though he knew what he was risking. He and his roommate had come within a gnat's ass of getting caught. He almost ruined his career before it even started because he’d been a stupid seventeen year-old kid. Now here he was, a forty-three year-old man and he was doing the same thing,, running eyes wide-open right into potential disaster because he was frightened and frustrated. Shit.

He felt the rage draining out of him as he looked down at his sister’s wounded expression. Suddenly, it was like someone cut his wires, and he could barely keep standing. On the verge of weeping, his voice was thick when he admitted, “You–you're right. I really screwed up, Mary. I ran away. I was too scared to stay, I felt trapped, so I took off, just like mom," he sniffed. "Jesus fuck, what is wrong with me?” he asked, voice full of scorn. 

“Look, why don’t we—” Mary started before the alarm on the phone in her pocket sounded. She quickly dismissed it, explaining, “I have to go pick up Joan from her friend’s house. I won’t be gone long, okay? You and Catherine,” she said, her distaste clear in how she almost spat the name, “can make yourselves at home, and I'll be back as soon as I can.” 

He followed her back into the house, walking straight to the bathroom, bypassing Cath, who’d moved to the sofa, so she couldn’t see that he’d been crying. He heard Mary grumble that she'd be right back then the sound of the door opening and closing. He took a few minutes to wash his face and hands, reaching for some composure. When he chanced a look at himself in the mirror, he wasn’t surprised that he looked like hell. What did surprise him was how painfully clear the fear and doubt shone from his face, from his eyes. How the fuck had he ever thought he could get away from it when it clung to every pore and lash? 

He was back at square one and still full of misgiving. Except, a traitorous voice whispered in his head, that wasn't precisely true. Hadn’t his sister just told him as much? The man in the mirror before him was pasty and distressed, nauseous at the thought of confronting the one option he’d never picked. The odds of success were practically nil, and the risks were unimaginable, but what did he have to lose now? His sister was furious, Grace hated him and Charlie probably would too, and the rest of the o’hana pitied him. If Mary and Grace were anything to go by, he couldn't escape now without burning a lot of bridges. 

He was man enough to admit that it'd hurt to think that everyone’s life in Hawaii would go on just fine without him, even while he’d taken comfort in the same fact. He was wrong though; things wouldn’t just go on the same. Leaving like this, he finally comprehended, with Danny hurt and no real plans to come back, would be the point of no return. There’d be no deep friendship with Danny to come back to, no real job left for him to do, no Charlie or Gracie or Nahele to love him like they did now. He wanted a change—god knows something _had_ to change—but not like this. He saw now that he wasn’t just taking a break from his life for the past ten years, he was throwing that life away.

Stepping out of the small bathroom, he spotted Cath on the sofa playing with her phone. She looked up when she heard the door, clearly concerned. “Steve, are you alright?” She stood to go to him but stopped when he took a step back. 

“I’m a—I’m so not alright that it’s fucking ridiculous," he responded with a shaky, humorless chuckle. He turned suddenly, walking over to a little desk tucked into the corner. Pulling out a pen and paper, he wrote a note for his sister.

**_Mary,_ **

**_I can’t stay here. I’m sorry. Give Joan a kiss for me. I’ll call you when I can. I'm trying to do the right thing, so please don't hate me for this._ **

**_Love, Steve_ **

Mary was going to be livid because he was bailing on her again, and he'd only been there an hour. He hoped she'd eventually appreciate that he was leaving because he'd actually listened to her for once.

Sticking the note to the fridge with Joan’s Cinderella magnet, he grabbed his bag and headed out the door. Catherine rushed to follow with an irritated, “Steve, wait!”

He stopped on the sidewalk, but only because he was trying to get another Uber. He only acknowledged her presence when the car was on its way. 

“Cath, listen, I can’t do this, I can’t just run away. Mary's right, I’m fucking up; I’ve _already_ fucked up. But if I have any prayer of fixing this, any prayer of Danny …” He caught himself before he could say “any prayer of Danny taking me back”, but it’s what he meant. “I have to go home,” he choked out. He’d made a bad decision, made a false start, and now he had to get back to Honolulu, to his family, to Danny. Maybe if they could see how quickly he’d caught his error, how sorry he was for the pain he’d already caused, maybe it wouldn’t be too late. He needed to heal so badly, but wrecking his life was no way to go about it. 

A small sedan pulled up to the curb as Steve’s phone chirped to let him know his ride was here. Catherine looked at him with an expression he didn’t really recognize, grabbing his hand and holding it. “I meant what I said, Steve, I’m still your friend. Your oldest friend, yeah? I’ll go back with you, okay, and we’ll get this all sorted out.” He couldn’t think of any reason to refuse her right then and didn’t feel like wasting time trying to come up with one when everything in his head was screaming at him to leave NOW. If she wanted to tag along that was fine, so long as she didn't slow him down. When he reluctantly nodded his agreement, she got into the car and buckled up before he’d walked around to the other door. 

“LAX?” the driver asked. “What airline you flying so I can get you guys to the right terminal?”

The guy didn’t even blink when Steve admitted, “I don’t know yet. Let me find a flight, and I’ll let you know.”

Searching on his phone for a few moments, he found a non-stop scheduled for 12:15. Calculating how long it would take them to get to the airport and get through security, he decided they should have enough time. He booked the tickets, telling the driver, “The United terminal, please.” 

He’d gone a couple decades of his life not knowing if he even believed in God, and now he found himself reaching out for the second time in just a few weeks. He didn’t try to make a frantic bargain this time, begging instead for another chance to salvage his life before it was completely ruined. It wasn’t lost on him that the only prayers he could remember saying as an adult both boiled down to the same thing: please don’t take Danny away from me. He could only hope that someone was still listening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe this is already longer than the longest story I've ever written? I have a new respect for writers who tackle long fics. I have only flown into LAX twice, so please take all the airport, flight info, and drive times with a grain of salt. There is a Hilton by the airport, but that's the extent of my knowledge there. Finally, if you're wondering about Cath, don't fret. The next two chapters will take care of her once and for all. Thanks for reading, and comments are very appreciated.


	5. Danny and Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve returns, and he and Danny have a long overdue talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sigh. I don't know why I bother pretending I'm going to be able to post on the same day every week. Thanks for being patient with me. As always, thanks for the kudos and comments. I think this is a chapter we've all been looking forward to. This is almost entirely one long conversation between Danny and Steve, so be prepared for tons of dialogue, lots of anger, and lots of angst. This is a direct continuation from Chapter 1.

**Continued from Chapter 1:**

**Stepping back from the doors, he went into the laundry room and found some underwear and a clean set of workout clothes. He slipped them on as quickly as he could, and stood frozen, wondering what to do next. His phone was still by the tv. If he could get to it before anyone came back in, he could maybe limp to the neighbor’s yard and call a cab. He didn't have a place of his own anymore, but he could go to Rachel’s or a hotel, just anywhere. Anywhere Steve and Catherine _weren't._**

Holding his breath and treading as quietly as possible, Danny found his phone and turned it on, thankful it didn’t make obnoxious sounds when it was booting up. His home screen was just coming up when he heard the voices from outside getting closer. He bit his lip and wondered if he’d been a serial killer in a past life and this was karma at work.

Figuring there was no way to escape before they got up to the house, he lowered himself slowly onto the sofa and resigned himself to his fate. He glanced down at his phone and saw he had six missed calls from Steve and even two texts from Catherine. His phone had only been off for around an hour, so now he was legitimately frightened that something horrible had happened, not just more of the Navy Twins' super-spy bullshit.

He looked up from his phone when Steve and Cath walked in from the lanai. His eyes met Steve’s, and his partner, his ex-partner, immediately understood what Danny was thinking.

“Danny, no, buddy. Everything is okay, everyone is okay. Nothing’s happened, I promise,” Steve told him gently as he walked to the living room and settled gingerly on the old sofa. Catherine moved to the recliner and sat down herself, looking incredibly uncomfortable and irritated.

Just twelve hours ago, he would’ve been ecstatic if Steve had decided to stay, but coming back like this just felt like another body-blow. Danny felt his heart thudding and his face flushing as he lost his breath in anger. Actually, he distantly realized, he wasn’t just angry, he was _livid._ He was maybe as angry as he'd ever been because he was so fucking hurt...always so fucking hurt.

Narrowing his eyes at Steve and forcing himself to breathe, Danny asked, “What’s going on? The short version, man. ‘Cause I gotta tell ya, I’m beyond exhausted here. I’m done, ok. I’m just—I’m done.”

Steve looked down at his own hands, hiding his face like he couldn't bear to look at him. Danny glanced over to see if he could get anything out of Cath, but she just kept looking at Steve.

“For God's sake, what is it? What happened?” he growled, ducking his head to see if he could get a look at Steve’s expression.

Steve suddenly straightened and looked up right into Danny’s eyes. There were a million things swirling there, way too many for Danny to pick apart right then. Besides, he was tired of having to pick apart Steve's expressions.

When no words were forthcoming, Danny moved to stand. Steve shot his hand out to stop him or help him, Danny didn’t know which. Either way, Danny wasn’t sure what made him jerk away from Steve, what made him tell Steve not to touch him, but he figured it had a lot to do with the woman sitting in Steve’s recliner. The look on Steve’s face would’ve been heartbreaking if Danny’s hadn't already been broken. 

Finally, Cath sighed, clearly annoyed. “Steve, this is ridiculous. Just do what you came here to do. It’s just Danny, for god’s sake.”

 _Just Danny,_ like he was no big deal, like she knew he wasn’t worth much. Ugh. She really was the fucking worst, but he was glad she was the one pushing Steve for once instead of Danny.

“Would it be easier if I stepped outside?” she finally asked, rolling her eyes and huffing just a bit.

Steve looked at her, startled and seemingly grateful, nodding his head. She slapped her knees as she stood, and headed back out to the lanai, shutting the doors _hard._

Right as he was about to tell the other man to fuck off, Steve piped up. “I made a mistake, Danny,” he admitted, voice quiet and thick. “This never should’ve happened.”

Danny, shaking with frustration, practically yelled, “What shouldn’t have happened, Steven? I swear to God….”

“Leaving, Danny!” Steve snapped, he checked himself though with a slow, deep breath. He was angry, but not at Danny, so he needed to watch it. “Leaving shouldn’t have happened,” he continued. "I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong.”

Everything in Danny just sort of paused. The power of his fury kept pushing at his back, the pressure building and building, but he was too stunned to move. “Why were you wrong?” he ground out. “Why was it a mistake? You haven't even been gone twenty-four hours, so what the fuck do you know? What’s changed?” It was always like pulling teeth with this one, he thought to himself. That was it though, no more compensating for Steve’s lack of communication skills. There weren’t going to be any more one-sided conversations where getting anything out of Steve was like winning a prize. No more. Steve needed to learn to pull his own damn weight in a conversation that wasn’t about work or surfing.

“Nothing’s changed, not really,” Steve eventually answered, startling Danny from his thoughts. "I didn’t need twenty-four hours. I didn’t need twelve hours, man. I was afraid before I left that I was making the biggest mistake of my life, and I did it anyway. To be honest, if it weren’t for Mary, I’d probably still be making it.”

That did surprise Danny. “Mary? What did she do?”

“She uh—she told me some home truths, I guess. Pointed out how much I’ve been focusing on what I don’t have and what I can’t have that I’ve lost sight of what I do have. And I have a lot Danny, I do, I know, but it’s been really hard to feel that way for a while. It’s, it’s like I’m a needle skipping on vinyl, and I just go round and round over the same thing so there’s never a chance to actually hear the music,” he paused and blinked, surprised at the metaphor.

“Okay, so, I mean, you recognized part of your problem? That’s good, yeah? You said that’s what you left to do, to figure yourself out. I guess it’s working, so I don’t get why that’d make you come back.”

Steve took a deep, shaky breath. He’d had hours, years really, to think about what to say to Danny, and he still had no idea how to start. One step at a time, he guessed, and there was no moving forward until he admitted how he felt. “Look,” he managed, “I think we both know that I was running away. Maybe you didn’t know quite why I was doing it, but you knew I was bailing. I need to tell you why. You deserve to know why, because I think I hurt you, really hurt you, because you didn’t know.” He stopped to clear his throat, moisture already starting to pool in his eyes. Squeezing his eyes shut, he bowed his head and admitted, “This is hard.” Excruciating would’ve been a better word.

Danny caught himself before he could reach out a hand to comfort Steve. He was shocked that Steve was acknowledging all this, but he was still furious at what it had taken for him to have a freaking epiphany.

With another ragged breath, Steve continued, “I couldn’t give you a good answer about why I needed to go because I didn’t _want_ to tell you.” He saw Danny flinch at that, so he quickly held his hand up to stop his friend’s train of thought. “It’s not like that, okay, just let me finish.” Danny nodded jerkily, indicating Steve could continue.

He turned fully toward Danny, forcing himself to finally let his guard down after nearly ten years. “The biggest part of it is that I couldn’t figure out how to tell you that I didn’t want to go, that I didn’t want to leave Hawaii, but that I didn’t know what the fuck else to do. I was spiraling—I am spiraling—and all I know is leaving, moving on. Since my mom died, I've been running. To the Academy, to Annapolis, the Navy, _Five-0_. Whenever I felt out of options, I ran to the next thing. Only I don’t know how to do it anymore, and I don’t know what the next thing is.” 

“You could’ve asked for help figuring this out," Danny pressed. "I get that you don’t have a lot of respect for my opinions, but there are twenty other people you could’ve asked. You didn’t because you refuse to ask for help, not when it comes to personal things. You get pissed when it’s even offered, so don’t act like you were out of options. You’re a grown man, and you knew you were in a bad place, and you wouldn’t accept any help. This wasn’t just a mistake, you know, it’s a pattern of behavior," he attested.

“Danny,” Steve breathed, “how can you think I don’t have respect for your opinions? That’s so wrong that it’s—it’s, like, absurd."

“Well if that's true, you have a funny way of showing it, let’s just say that. It doesn’t really matter now," he responded, making a shooing motion with his hand.

It mattered, it very much mattered, Steve knew. He had to put it on a back burner for now, but it was going to be an obstacle he’d have to address soon enough. Right then though, he continued, “You’re right about the rest of it though. I’ve been acting like an immature ass,” he plowed on, “and I’ve been acting like that because I was afraid of losing you and I didn’t want to even think about it anymore. I left when you were still so hurt, mentally and physically, and I told myself you’d be okay without me, maybe better off without me. I told myself that I was doing the best thing for everybody because I wasn’t sure I could still function, not at Five-0 anyway. Probably not anywhere.”

“So what you really wanted was to get away from me, yeah?” Danny huffed. “That’s not exactly news, man. You took off as soon as you could without everyone thinking you were a piece of shit for doing it. I got it, okay? It hurt to see me injured or whatever? I fucking get it. I’ve been on the other side of it plenty, but I’m still here, Steven. _I’m still here_.”

“I know you are, I know that, okay? That’s what I’m trying to say!” Steve conceded. “You were right and I was wrong. I walked away from you and all the other good things I have, and it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I get it, I do. But, Danny, I came back! I was barely gone to begin with, but I know, believe me I know, that coming back won’t undo all the damage I’ve done.” 

“Well bully for you! Enlightenment in just twenty-four hours!” Danny declared with a sardonic chuckle. “If you’re looking for a pat on the back for detonating a bomb but coming back to explain why you did it, you can keep looking. You say you’re back for me? You’re back for me?! Christ, that’s a fucking first isn’t it? It’s usually the other way around, right? That’s the song and dance, right? You take off and I go to you, bring you back to keep you from getting killed or worse. I’ve been your friend Steve, the best friend I know how to be. I have helped you over and over again because that’s what friends do! I guess it still wasn’t enough though. I still wasn’t enough, and you wanna talk about how much you love me,” he finished, as if he were talking to himself.

“Danny, how can you think I don’t love you? I’ve told you so many times. Did you think I was lying all these years?” Steve marveled.

“No, asshole, I didn’t think you were lying, not then. Do I think it’s a lie now? Hell yes. Because this, you fucking off like this, has opened my eyes, and you coming back here with _her_ in tow, has just convinced me more.”

“Danny, don’t. It’s not what you think,” Steve tried to reassure.

“Okay, so what the fuck is it? I can’t believe what you tell me, so what else is there to go by? Your actions? Fine! They’re pretty damn clear too, aren’t they? Korea, Japan, Afghanistan, Montana? Any of those ring a bell? How many times have you taken off? How many times have I come running after you? I’m sick of it, man. I’m sick of trying to keep you here when you don’t want to be. This time you managed to get away when you knew I couldn’t follow, so good job. You didn’t have to worry I’d come drag you back this time. You finally get to do what you’ve wanted to do for nearly a decade, and I’m supposed to believe you love me? When you’ve been running away from me this whole time?”

“I guess I deserve that,” Steve murmured, head ducked again. “I know I do. But whether you believe me or not, I do love you." He took a ragged breath and finally admitted, "Danny, I'm so in love with you. I’ve wanted you for so long, I don’t even remember what it’s like to not want you. And you’re right, I leave you. I remember all of those times. The truth is I tried so hard,” he paused, taking in a gulp of air, “so hard to stay away, and I never could. I could never stay gone. And I’ve called it missing my o’hana, and I’ve called it needing Five-0, and I’ve called it needing closure, but what it’s really always been is you." He was stunned that he'd actually done it, actually fessed up to his feelings. He didn't feel lighter or freer or anything like that, but he did feel a sense of accomplishment. 

Before he could continue, Danny sneered. “Want me? Want me?!? When did you decide that, huh?” he demanded, heart in his throat and skin on fire at Steve’s confession. “When did you figure this out, huh? Was it before or after you told me you only stayed in Hawaii to solve your father’s mystery? Was it before or after you told me you didn’t know when or if you were coming back, but that we could always _text_? Before I had to hug you with a cane in my hand because I can barely walk? Before you got on a plane without saying goodbye to my kids or to Nahele? Before you somehow hooked up with Catherine when you kept claiming you needed to be alone? Huh, Steve, huh? When exactly did you come to this conclusion?” he wondered, the anguish clear in his voice. 

Even though he didn’t really have a right to it, Steve could feel his anger rising. “Yes, Danny, okay? It was before all of that! I told you I fucked up, I told you. I did all of that even though I love you so much I’ve been sick with it.”

Danny lashed out, “And why couldn’t you have told me this then? Or any of the dozens of times you’ve had the chance, any of the dozens of times I made it perfectly clear how much I love you?”

“I don’t know," Steve groaned. "I guess I was afraid you’d leave if you knew the way that you love me isn’t the same way that I love you."

“So _you_ left instead, huh? And you hoped this was the time you’d manage to stay away forever?”

“No! No, I told you, I told everyone, that I'd see you again!” Steve practically shouted. 

“Oh, right. _Of course I’ll keep in touch. You own a phone. You’re my Danno_ ," he mocked. "Platitudes, Steven. You left with platitudes." 

“I didn’t know what else to fucking say!” he argued. “ _I’m sorry, Danny, I don’t want to but I have to? I don’t want to go but I can’t stand to watch you suffer for something I did? That I keep telling myself that I’m leaving to protect you, when I’m really leaving to protect myself?_ Is that what you wanted to hear?” 

“What I _wanted_ to hear was that you loved me enough to be here with me! What I _needed_ to hear was that you weren’t going to leave me behind, and I needed you to mean it,” Danny cried.

That took the wind out of Steve’s sails. “Danny, I never meant to leave forever,” he murmured. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make that clearer. I just needed to stay away long enough to get back some control over my life. I told you that I needed some time to myself, time to heal, to shore myself back up—”

“I never said you didn’t need that,” Danny interrupted. “I think you’ll find that I’ve been the one telling you the same thing for years. You’re the one who wanted to go _now,_ you’re the one who walked away from me when I can barely make it up the stairs, when I can’t defend myself if some other nutbags decide to stop by. You know, you’re the one who was always so determined to keep me in Hawaii, just to split when _you_ had enough. Well, guess what? I needed to split once upon a time too, but I decided to stay and help my friend who’d been locked up for something he didn’t do. That was nine years ago, Steve. I chose you then, and I’ve kept choosing you, even when it meant there was a chance I wouldn’t get to see my kids again, so this is on you!” Danny accused, his voice rising.

Looking so earnest, Steve visibly gathered his courage and answered, “I know that. I know this is on me. But, Danny, I am so in love with you, and I can’t stop it. I’m never going to be able to stop it. I came back because I did leave you when you needed me. I’m back because I can’t stand not being with you. But sometimes, man, sometimes being around you makes me feel like a coward. I’m not a coward, Danny, I’m not, but I was so scared of spending the rest of my life close to you, but never close enough. I’m still so scared that I’ll have to watch you suffer when I don’t know how to handle that anymore. So, yeah, I ran. I ran away from you and everything else in my life because nothing else was working. Nothing, Danny. I just...I got nothing.” By that point, there were tears flowing down his face.

“You had me, Steve. You have to know that. You always did,” Danny said softly.

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t fucking have you, not like I wanted you, not like I needed you, and it’s been sucking the life out of me. I keep getting battered by all the other shit that's gone down over the past ten years, and I thought I could handle it, but I really can’t. Not on top of dealing with how I feel about you. Something had to give, and the only thing I can control is me. I don’t want to leave Hawaii, I don’t want to run, but I keep trying to find something, trying to do something that’ll make me feel like, like I’m me again. Like I'm a decent person who deserves a decent life, even if that isn’t true. I want to feel like I’m worth more than just my training. I want to feel like I'm worthy of you, whether you want me or not.”

Danny’s mouth started moving before Steve even stopped, “You are worthy, Steven. For God’s sake, I’ve been trying to hammer that into your head for ten fucking years. But, man, I gotta tell ya, this, what you did here, is some absolute bullshit. If you haven’t figured out by your age that running away isn’t an answer to your problems, I don't know what to tell you. It was never going to solve anything, only the scenery was going to change. I don’t understand how you couldn’t know that.”

“I don’t know either, Danny,” Steve answered, shaking his head. “All I know is that I didn’t see any other choice. I couldn’t take it anymore. You know that. You know I was at my wit’s end.”

“I did know that, you asshole. But did you once, and I mean even one goddamn time, stop to think that I was too? That nothing in my life has been right either. That there’s been so little good lately. I get that you couldn’t see anything else for your own fear and pain, but I’m so fucking done with being in your blindspot, man. So fucking done.”

Steve looked like he was going to throw up. “Danny,” he whispered, “I always see you. I swear to God, sometimes you’re all I do see.”

If he weren’t in a lot of pain, Danny would’ve stormed out right then. That or punch Steve right in the face. Did Steve honestly think Danny would buy that crap? When Catherine Rollins was standing out on the lanai?

“So why’s Catherine here if you love me so damn much? Explain that one to me,” he demanded.

“I didn’t ask her to go, Danny,” he swore. “I didn’t know she was going to be on the plane. She was the one who broke the cypher, and Lincoln told her about my plans. I don’t know how she got the flight info, but it wouldn’t have been difficult for her.”

“Fine, but that still doesn’t explain why she’s here _now._ ”

“I guess because I needed a friend…” He trailed off when Danny grunted like he’d been punched. “No listen, listen to me, Daniel. It wasn’t like that. I needed a friend with boundaries, somebody who doesn’t threaten me. I thought she’d be a comfort until I was sure I could make it without you by my side.”

“You thought?” Danny urged.

“Yeah,” Steve kept going. “Guess I was wrong about that too. I’ve just dragged her around for the last twenty-four hours, from the Hilton, to Mary’s, right back to the airport. I’m not sure why she wanted to follow me back to Hawaii. I want to think it’s because she’s my oldest friend, but I'm not sure. I honestly don’t care one way or another, and that’s my point, I don’t care too much about her, and that made her safe. I know that makes me sound like a dick, but it’s the truth. Her motives aren’t pure either, so it’s just like always, us using each other.”

Danny really didn’t hear much after the word “Hilton”. “Went to the Hilton, huh? You hopped right into bed with her again and you have no idea why she followed you back? No clues as to what her motive might be? Jesus, I know I call you an idiot, but I never thought you were really this dumb," Danny grumbled.

“Yo, back it up! I did not jump into bed with her, okay? Separate beds, Danny, separate beds. I never intended to start back up with her, not like that. Does it even matter though? I didn’t leave you behind because I wanted Cath there instead, I promise you that. I have never wanted anyone the way I want you, and that includes Catherine,” he assured.

“You wanted to marry her,” Danny reminded him, his voice sounding just a bit small.

Steve thought about that. The idea of proposing to Catherine had been a Hail Mary pass. He’d stood there in his tux watching Kono and Adam get married, and it had made him ache even more for what he'd never have. “What I wanted," he tried to explain, "was to have a life that didn’t revolve around you, around not having you. I couldn’t keep it up, buddy. You had Rachel and Gabby and Melissa, and that was your life. You had your kids, man. I was part of it, and I loved that, but I couldn’t be as big of a part as I wanted, as I needed. I was drowning in what I couldn’t have when she reappeared. After everything that happened with Wo Fat, with Reyes and Colombia and Charlie, I thought I needed her to keep my head above water."

Danny nodded, understanding at least how agonizing that period had been. He heard Steve clear his throat a bit before asking softly, “Danny, why do you care about Cath being here? She’s not going to hurt me, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He sincerely wished that wasn’t all it was, wished that Danny was jealous because he loved Steve, like really loved him. He couldn’t even stop to give it much thought. It was too big, the idea of Danny being in love with him, not to sweep aside every other thought if he let it.

“Fuck you, Steven. Why the hell do you think I care? I’ve been lovesick over you for years." He heard Steve gasp like someone had knocked the breath out of him, but he plowed on. “I think you’re the only person who hasn’t seen it. So I care because I’m sick of her, because I’m jealous of her goddamn it! There, I admit it. You kept giving her everything I wanted, and she kept walking away from it. I’m not proud of it, but there it is. You’re sitting here telling me how much you love me when you waltzed in here with a woman you wanted to marry. And I know that was years ago, but what about when she helped you with Doris or when you helped with the dirty bomb? What about when Joe died and I finally tracked you down? She was right there every time,” Danny chuckled bitterly. “You know, I actually came close, so close, to telling you how I felt after Gardner shot me.”

“Danny,” Steve cut in, looking and sounding absolutely wrecked.

“We had the restaurant together, Cath was gone, and we were getting along better,” Danny went on like Steve hadn’t spoken. “I thought we were really a family, me, you and the kids. But then you wanted out of the restaurant, and I tried not to take it personally, even though that was supposed to have been our way to stay together. And then you disappeared off to Montana, and _she_ came walking out of Joe’s house like she owned the place. I saw how satisfied she was that you wanted her around instead of me. You _trusted_ her instead of me, and she knew it. That’s when I decided to start back up with Rachel, you know? I figured why the hell not. Good or bad, no one seemed to fucking notice my existance back then except Rachel.”

Steve shook his head vehemently. “That’s not true, Danny, and it’s not fair,” he insisted.

“Fair? When the fuck has anything ever been fair, huh? You’ve had shit happen to you over the past ten years? Well guess what? I have too. I lost my chance to get my family back because I needed to help you. My daughter got kidnapped, and I had to shoot her step-father. You dragged your girlfriend into work with us even though there were a thousand other people who could’ve done that job. A building fell on us and I had a fucking piece of rebar stuck in me, and you’re busy telling me I need to pull Amber closer. I find out I have a freaking kid that Rachel has been keeping from me for years, and your wonderful advice is to just let it go. _Be the bigger man, Danno._ Like you’ve got any business telling me how to be a good father. I’m a freaking amazing father, okay? That’s one thing nobody can take away from me, and I didn’t need you telling me to do what’s best for my kid. That’s what I’ve always done, always.”

“Hey, hey! Nobody is trying to take that from you. I know you’re an excellent father. You’re the best father I’ve ever seen. I was just trying to keep you from—”

“From what, huh? Being angry? God forbid. God forbid I get five minutes to rage at everything I missed, at everything she took from me. I needed a friend, Steven, not a lecture.”

“Man, I promise that isn’t what that was. I wanted to help; I wanted to make sure you didn’t do something you’d regret later, that’s all. I’m sorry if I didn’t support you. I saw how much you were hurting, and I thought—”

“You thought I was going to be petty,” Danny finished for him. “You assumed that I was going to go off on one of my silly “Danny rants” and make a ridiculous mess. You thought I was gonna wreck my kids’ lives because I was too much of a temperamental jerk to do right by them. But I’m not the one who dragged Grace into a custody fight, Rachel did. I didn’t stay away from Charlie, Rachel kept him from me. I did everything I could, I did everything I thought was right, and it didn’t matter. I still got shit on and missed out on so much time with my kids. Then you sit there on your high-horse and tell me to think about what I’d put my kids through if I fought Rachel? Like I could think of anything else! And I’m the dumbass who listened to you because I was furious and I was lost. I trusted you to have my back.” He sounded so defeated.

“Please don’t say that,” Steve begged. “You’re not a dumbass. You–you’re right. I never should’ve opened my mouth about Charlie. I was out of line, and I didn’t know what I was talking about.” 

“I guess that’s why you were so supportive when I had to donate some bone marrow to my kid I barely knew so that maybe I’d get the chance to know him. How many times did you visit the man you supposedly love so fucking much? I got a couple of texts, Steven, that’s it. You’re real big on thinking texts are enough, but I guess that’s an improvement on a letter left on my desk." That was a mistake that was never going to be fully forgiven, Steve knew. 

"Then," Danny kept on, “ _then_ I give you a piece of my liver, a freaking piece of my body, and I was so happy when I found out I could. I was glad, Steve, glad that I was a match because I wanted to save you. I’d’ve done anything to keep you alive. I did do anything. And what did I get in return? You making fun of me as soon as you were able. You telling me my kid is gonna hate me. You laughing at how no one cares that I’m in the hospital, how no one cares about what I went through. You complaining about how I’m always going to hold it over your head, like I’m some spiteful jackass. That’s really the actions of a man in love,” he concluded sarcastically.

Aware he was walking onto a minefield, Steve ventured, “Danny–"

“Shut up! I’m talking now! I’m talking about when you got out of the hospital how you didn’t listen to the doctors about restrictions. You kept doing your same old death-defying shit like what we went through was just nothing. _No biggie, Danny. Quit being such a nag, Danny._ Then you save me when I get shot in quarantine, and what do you do? First thing you make sure I know is that we’re even for the liver. Like that’s the reason you saved me, because you wanted to erase a debt. So fuck you very much for that."

Danny inhaled deeply and paused, and Steve braced himself for a blow. Whatever was about to come out of his friend's mouth was going to _hurt_. 

"But what’s worse" Danny exhaled, "what hurt more than all of that, Steven, was Montana. You cut me off and called in Catherine. What was I supposed to take away from that, huh? I come running to you one more time, and there she is. And watching the two of you play the happy man and wife was such bullshit, _unnecessary_ bullshit. That’s how it goes though, isn’t it? You run after Catherine, and I run after you.”

“Danny, wait. Please, please let me explain. Please!” Steve pleaded.

“Hell no!” Danny objected. “You’re gonna listen to me for once in your life, asshole. I’m tired of it, man. I’m tired of trying to keep you here when you don’t want to be. Why would I ever believe you love me or you want me when you’ve been running away from me this whole time? When you’ve been chipping at me, making me less and less and less? I’m a joke to you when I save you, I’m a joke to you when I work. I’m a curmudgeon, I’m the weak link. I fucking get it man, loud and clear. I should’ve let you go a long time ago or I should’ve walked away myself. I’m not even your sidekick anymore, I'm just the comic relief who's gotten good at saving you. I never should’ve let that happen."

“I don’t–I can’t believe that you–” Steve broke off, dumbfounded at how much he had hurt this man. “Danny, I didn’t know you felt like this. I swear to God, I didn’t. I didn’t know I was hurting you, I didn’t know. Making you feel like you don’t matter, that’s the last thing I wanted to do, because you do matter. You matter more than anything, whether you believe me or not. More. Than. Anything.”

Danny gave a jerky nod. “Okay, okay. So let's say that's true, say I do believe you. What difference does it make? It didn’t stop you from fucking me over. Your love didn’t stop you from walking away from me. According to you, it's why you kept doing it. It’s never stopped you from hurting me, Steve. You keep saying you couldn’t leave because of me, but did you ever try to fucking stay because of me? Did you ever look at me and try to settle or did you always look at me and try to figure out how to get away? You might not be a coward when it comes to this, but you sure as hell haven’t been brave. It’s always me chasing, it’s always me begging, it’s always me in the dark. You say you love me, but if that's what this is, then maybe it’s just not enough. Not for me, not anymore.”

After a moment, Danny continued sadly, “You know, I always figured I’d just lie down and die if something happened to you. Not literally, because of the kids, but inside, I figured that would be the end. Thing is you did leave, and even if it was only for a few hours, I expected it to be forever. But, know what? I didn’t die, and I know I wasn’t going to. You left, and I never expected you back. I felt like I could shatter, but I know I wasn’t going to. It was going to be a nightmare of pain and grief getting over you, but I would’ve made it. I would’ve still been here.”

“I know. I know that, Danny,” Steve agreed.

Danny took a deep breath through his nose before asking, “So you’ve said what you wanted to say, now what? What are you gonna do now? Settle down with your girl when you're so in love with me? Jesus Christ,” he said, shaking his head at what a mess this was.

“Danny, for the last time, I’m not with her! I never planned to meet her. I wasn’t leaving you behind to be with her. She was on the plane because of Lincoln, and we agreed to still be friends, okay? That’s it!”

Like that was going to be the end of it. Not when she was a fucking bad penny that Steve couldn't leave alone. "Just friends. Sure,” he scoffed. God, how Danny hated her. When she’d left Steve in Afghanistan, he'd finally felt justified in his scorn, and over the years she kept giving him reason after reason not to let it go. 

Before Steve could respond though, they heard the handle on the lanai doors turning as Catherine jerked the door open. She stomped inside, looking completely enraged. Obviously the doors hadn’t been enough to keep their conversation private.

Steve pinched his nose, sighing heavily. “Cath, we need a few more minutes.”

She shook her head with an acerbic smile. “No, no. If you’re going to talk about me, I think I deserve to be a part of this," she pronounced, motioning between the two men.

Danny didn't even want to look at her pretty face. Once again, Cath was the one Steve had chosen to be by his side, and she had the gall to be angry? She had so much of Doris in her and still so much power over Steve, whether he realized it or not, that she was dangerous. She was a grenade with the pin pulled, and some part of him knew right now was the part where she finally exploded. Fine, because God knew he could give as good as he got. If her pin was pulled, then his fuse was lit. She wanted to talk about what she deserved? He'd be glad to tell her exactly what she deserved.

Before Steve could ask her again to go, Danny held his hand to stop him. "No, Steve, she's right, she is a part of this.” Finally confronting her head-on, Danny threw down a gauntlet. “You wanna talk, Lieutenant Rollins? Then let's talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta, and my proofreading skills are crappy at best. If something is wrong or doesn't make sense, please let me know. Next chapter is a direct continuation of this one, and I think most of you will be happy with how it turns out if the comments are any indication. Kudos and comments are everything. I've never tackled a story this long, and the validation keeps me going. :D


	6. Danny, Steve, and Catherine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine shows her true colors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, the Catherine in this chapter is way nastier than she ever was on the show. It serves my purposes here, but I tried very hard to make sure none of the "hate" was misogynistic. She's bad because of her behavior, not who she is. I realize this isn't everyone's cup of tea, so I've made it so that you should still be able to follow the story even if you skip this chapter. As always, thanks for reading, and kudos and comments are my sunshine and rainbows.

**Before Steve could ask her again to go, Danny held his hand to stop him. "No, Steve, she's right, she is a part of this.” Finally confronting her head-on, Danny threw down a gauntlet. “You wanna talk, Lieutenant Rollins? Then let's talk."**

“Let’s do, Detective. Let’s talk about how everything he,” she tilted her head at Steve, “just said is absolutely ridiculous. He’s been confused and lonely, and he latched onto you because of that. You know what he is? He’s grateful that you stuck around, and he’s convinced himself that it’s love. He’s not in love with you, he’s decided to settle for you. If he really wanted you, he’s had ten years to do something about it.”

Danny couldn’t deny he’d had similar thoughts, so there was no point arguing it. It still didn’t explain why Steve had come back to Hawaii that afternoon though. So he asked, “Well then, with your great wisdom, can you explain why he’s sitting here right now and not somewhere on the mainland?”   


She was ready for the question and answered quickly, “Guilt. Pure and simple.” 

Danny expected her to be a patronizing jerk, but she was exceeding expectations. It was time for the gloves to come off. “Jesus Christ, you are a piece of work. A self-centered, self-important, conniving schmuck. You have the gall to come back here after all you’ve done and act angry because he’s not still in love with you? Oops, my bad, because he never was in love with you? You are nothing but destruction, lady, and I wish you’d never set foot on this island.”

Catherine merely rolled her eyes. “For God’s sake, you’re so melodramatic, and you’ve made him the same way! He can’t even leave the island without all of you acting like it’s the end of the world. He’s allowed to leave, and he’s allowed to move on if he wants to.”

“And I’m allowed to react to his leaving however I want to," Danny replied. "I’m sick and fucking tired of everyone trying to tell me how I should feel, so fuck you.”

“Be careful, Danny," she warned, "you’re turning a little green.”

Being so jealous had been hard enough, but it made him sick to think she'd heard him admit it. There was no sense pretending she hadn't though. "Okay, yes," he allowed, "I’ve spent years being jealous of you, and you know that. You literally heard it come out of my mouth. But this isn’t about that, Catherine. I have no intention of fighting you for Steve or anything like that because he’s not some object that we control. He can do whatever he wants to do, and I’ll respect that, I have respected that, even when I thought he was making a mistake. So take me out of the equation. Forget I was in love with him, and I still wouldn’t like you. I still would think you were the worst thing that ever happened to him because you are manipulative and malicious. No matter what, he’s always been my friend first, okay? And I hate you for how you’ve treated him. If I had never wanted him for myself, I’d still feel the same way. I know a savage when I see one.”

“Sure it doesn’t have anything to do with you wanting Steve for yourself," she drolled. "He wanted me for a long time, Danny, longer than you’ve even known him. You said it yourself, he wanted to marry me. If I’d been willing to stay here on this dinky island, you’d be looking at Mr. and Mrs. McGarrett right now, and you want me to believe this isn’t about that? You’re laughable.”

“You know what? That man,” he paused, pointing at Steve, “spent years feeling bad because he thought he didn’t love you enough, but I think the real question is did you ever love him enough? Did you ever love him period? Or did you just love the idea of him and what he was capable of, what he could do for you? You never wanted to stay, did you? You think Honolulu is beneath you and beneath Steve. You had big plans, and him moving here threw a massive wrench in them. You finally managed to really get him, but you didn’t want everything that came with that. You only wanted the part of him that furthered your agenda,” he reasoned.

“You bet your ass I wanted him!" she shrieked, "and I wanted him away from this place, away from you!” Her face twisted with a sardonic, hateful smile. “He is so much bigger than this,” she explained, waving her arm to indicate everything that might’ve kept Steve from leaving Hawaii. “For God’s sake, he should be one of the nation’s, one of the world’s, top operatives, but instead he’s running a six-man task force on Oahu. 

"And some part of him has always known he was slumming. That’s why he’s kept letting me in all these years, because I get it. I understand the life he should be living, and that’s what he needs. This,” she continued, waving a dismissive hand in the man's direction, “is not Steve McGarrett, at least not the man I knew. I get that he’s had a lot of personal drama to work it out, but he’s been here long enough. He figured out what happened with his mother and father, he’s had time to mourn Joe and Doris, and he’s got enough bad memories of Hawaii to last a lifetime.” Danny tried not to flinch at how her words mirrored what Steve had told him on the beach yesterday. 

Catherine turned to look at Steve, even if she were still ostensibly speaking to Danny. “It’s time for him to come back to reality and play with the big kids again. He let me stay with him on that plane and he let me come back here with him because he grasps that. He’s finally facing the fact that this life isn’t enough for him.  _ You _ aren’t enough for him, no matter what he says. You could never be enough for a man like him."

“I never thought I was,” Danny attested. “You heard what he said, didn’t you? When you were eavesdropping out there on the lanai? I’m very much not the reason he stayed here, he’s made that perfectly clear. But the rest of what you're saying? That's just selfish bullshit.”

“What, you don’t think he’s the best? The absolute best at whatever he sets his mind to?” Cath asked, eyes lighting up viciously at the way she was twisting Danny’s words. Steve wasn’t sure how to take that himself. He thought Danny had respect for his skills if not so much his sense of self-preservation.

“Oh, I have no doubt he’s the best,” Danny affirmed. “I’ve watched it and depended on it for ten years, Catherine. I know what he’s capable of. I meant that you wanting Steve to live up to his grand potential for his own sake or for the nation’s sake is bullshit. You’ve always wanted him to be a big fucking star because you’ve always had every intention of hitching your own star to his. You didn’t just make friends with Steve all those years ago, you invested in him, and you’ve never quite managed to walk away from the potential of that investment. Now you’re on the wrong side of forty in a world that’s literally cutthroat, and you need an ace in the hole. How long did it take you to crack that cypher? Not long, right? Not long at all. I guess it’s a lot easier to crack when you’re the one who came up with it in the first place,” Danny concluded, dropping that bomb with a somber hush.

It took Steve a moment to catch-on to exactly what Danny was saying. Once he did, his reaction was predictable. “What?” he shouted, jumping to his feet. He rounded on Catherine, “What the fuck, Cath? Is he—did Doris...” He blew out a shaky breath as he found his words, “Is Danny right? Did you have something to do with that cypher?”

The answer was clear on her face. Steve knew that was intentional; if she hadn't wanted him to know the truth, she would have lied convincingly. He was only now beginning to suspect she’d been doing that very thing for a very long time. Still, she was basically admitting that she’d created the cypher, and Steve couldn’t really wrap his head around it. He turned to Danny, surprised to see that instead of looking pleased because of his brilliant deduction, he just looked sad and angry. She’d confirmed every bad thought Danny had ever had about her, and he could only shake his head in disgust.

“God, you’re pathetic,” Danny breathed. “All you know is lying and manipulating. I guess you learned from the master since Doris was the same way, wasn’t she? I’ve never been sure how much time you spent with her when you guys disappeared to wherever, but I’m starting to think it was quite a bit, yeah? And how many times did Doris ever come around just to see Steve, not to get his help,” he clarified, “but just to visit? I don’t think Mary ever mentioned her visiting one time. I wonder why,” he concluded, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“You’re exactly the same," Danny stated slowly. "You only came around when you needed something from him. Except,” he drew out the word, "except when you came back for Kono’s wedding. I always thought it was suspicious you never asked for help. Everyone thought you were back to mend fences and apologize; Steve thought so. Obviously that was wrong, and my guess is that you were dipping in to see if you had a chance of luring him away. You probably heard all about Wo Fat and Colombia, and you thought that was your chance because  _ surely _ Steve must be burnt out by all that,  _ surely _ he’d be ready to leave Five-0 after all that. But he wasn’t, was he? And you still weren’t willing to stay,” Danny accused.

Taking a deep breath, he went on, hurt for his friend coloring his voice, “And all these years go by, and you still can't catch him, right? Then Joe died. How happy were you when Steve called? How fucking gleeful were you watching him torture Thomsen? Then you got to work undercover with him too, and it was just like old times. He was back to being a machine, and you must've thought you finally had him. Only you didn't, did you? 

“Were you worried you were running out of time? I think you were,” he said, answering his own question. “I think that's why you figured it was time to create your own opportunity to lure him away. So you and Doris had a common goal, yeah, and you came up with a plan. She provided the bait, and you created the cypher figuring you'd be the first person he'd ask for help. But then Doris died before you could get the ball rolling. Did she even tell you she’d arranged to have the cypher delivered if she died?” he wondered. “I doubt it, but it doesn’t matter. Daiyu Mei must've seemed like a godsend to you when you heard from Cole. She and Doris were handing you one last chance to get your man."

Neither Danny or Catherine had been paying much attention to Steve at that point, so they both were startled when he finally spoke. “I don’t understand how you could do this,” he stated flatly, looking at Catherine. “Danny almost died because why? Because you wanted a promotion and my mom wanted a legacy? Goddamn it, you were my friend, Catherine! Tell me why!" he demanded.

Catherine wasn’t stymied by his reaction. “I did it because I care about you, because your mother cared about you!”

“Are you fucking kidding me?! Jesus fuck!” Steve spat, sitting back down and pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. He was breathing heavily enough that Danny was beginning to worry about him hyperventilating. Finally he looked up with eyes dulled by pain, “What was the point of it all then? She cared about me so she left me money? She cared about me so she got me involved in one more fucking mess? One more fucking mystery? She cared enough to keep jerking me around from the grave? Is that what you’re telling me?” he asked, trying very much not to sound hysterical.

“Honestly? I think she saw it as a reminder for you after she was gone. She wanted to leave you with a puzzle to solve and a reward for solving it. She wanted you to use your brain and your connections to get answers,” she speculated admiringly.

Danny replied, “So it was a way to make sure he didn't cut ties, not with you, not with the Navy or the CIA or the NSA or any other three-lettered assholes.” He leaned back against the couch cushions and closed his eyes, utterly exhausted by everything he was hearing.

Steve turned to him, clearly worried. “Danno?” he checked.

Danny waved tiredly at him, “I’m fine.” The grunt he couldn’t stifle as he straightened wasn’t very convincing, but there was no stopping this now.

Steve took a minute to collect himself before he turned back to Catherine. “So all those times you needed my help, those were just you trying to lure me back into being an operative?”

Catherine shook her head, “No, Steve, no,” she reassured him gently. “That’s not all they were. I really did need your help, and I really do care for you. I always knew what kind of life we could have together if you’d just get with the program. Your mother saw it too, and she wanted that for you. She wanted you to meet your potential.”

“Meet his potential? For fuck’s sake. Do you even hear yourself?” Danny asked incredulously. “You don’t fuck someone over like you and Doris did because you love them too much. None of your shit was ever about what was best for Steve. You standing right here and now isn’t about what’s best for Steve, it’s about what’s best for you. Neither you nor his  _ mother _ ,” he couldn’t help sneering the word, “could bear letting go of such a valuable asset.”

Catherine responded belligerently, “You know what, Danny? Who the fuck are you to talk to me like this when you’ve been doing the same thing!”

Steve’s head jerked up as Danny rocked back like he’d been physically hit. “Excuse me?”

“You think so little of me for using Steve for my career when you’ve done the same thing for years,” she charged. When both men still looked confused, she explained, “There’s nothing inherently special about you, Daniel. You only got the job at Five-0 through sheer luck and because Steve liked you." 

Danny wanted to wipe the condescending look right off her face. She was pressing on a weak spot because feeling unworthy and unappreciated was a big issue for him. It's one of the reasons those few months at HPD had been a nightmare. Steve had rescued him from that, but it hadn't been because he'd liked Danny so much. He'd needed Danny and he respected his record as a cop. Eventually though, Danny began feeling the same way at Five-0, like he was just being tolerated. He was beginning to think Catherine was the only one who’d noticed.

Regardless of all that, the fact was she was wrong. “Steve didn’t like me when he hired me,” Danny objected. “He hired me because I was familiar with the case and qualified to handle it. I was there because I was good at my job. I may not be inherently special, but I’m very good at what I do,” Danny told her, even if there were times he didn’t believe that himself. “And that must really sting when you're not allowed to run with the big dogs because you’re not very good at what you do. Know something else? I don’t think Doris was that great of an agent either. I mean, her career was one big fuck up wasn’t it? She fucked up Yao Fat’s assassination to the point that she created some sort of blood feud with his kid. Then she couldn’t figure out a way to stay hidden from Wo Fat, when he couldn’t have been out of his twenties, without faking her own death. And she couldn’t figure out a way to get back to her family or even back to her career for twenty years, not until Steve found her and took on Wo Fat himself,” finally voicing suspicions he’d had for years.

“Then there’s you,” he continued, “stalled at the Navy, unhappy with private security and another man who wouldn’t do your bidding. You mount a mission to Afghanistan, but it goes fubar almost immediately. You wouldn’t have saved those kids without Steve. You probably couldn’t have saved yourself without Steve. You’ve bounced around from post to post, from mundane assignment to mundane assignment without Steve. You’re nothing special either, Catherine. You’re just a malicious, second-rate hack who can’t handle the fact that you put your money on the wrong horse.”

Catherine’s eyes had narrowed into slits and there was color high on her cheeks. “Well, what about you, Danny? I mean, look at you. You were captured and beaten, and Steve had to save your life one more time. You’re not up to this job without him, and you know it. Five-0 doesn’t need you, and it never did," she taunted. "Maybe you should’ve gone to Vegas when you had the chance, but it’s not Steve’s fault you decided to stay. It’s not Steve's fault that you couldn’t read the writing on the wall and go back to HPD when they might’ve still had some use for you. I always knew you were jealous of me, everyone did except Steve. And that’s what’s got you pissed off so bad. He left you behind and took off with me, and he’d still be gone if it weren’t for Mary. Maybe I’m mediocre without Steve around, but at least I’m not an out-of-my-depth troll who’s been acting like a pathetic, love-sick loser for years," she finished, clearly pleased her punch had landed.

Danny simply nodded though, “You're right, I  _ was _ jealous of you. Was. Now I wouldn’t trade places with you for anything. Whether I wanted Steve or not, it doesn’t even matter. I see you for what you are, and there’s no way I’m envious of that. I’ve made mistakes, but I’m a good man and a good cop, and I’ll take that over whatever the hell you’ve got going on any day.”

“I will too,” Steve finally piped up quietly.

“Steve—” Catherine started.

“No, you do not get to come in here and talk to him like that,” he interrupted, steel creeping back into his voice. “You don’t know him, and it's clear as hell you don’t know me and you never really did. How can you have such a high opinion of my abilities and such a low opinion of my intelligence? I’m not stupid and I’m not a child. You don’t know me better than I know my own damn self. I’ve felt so bad for a long time for how I treated you, for not loving you the way I should have, and now I’m not sure why,” he confessed. “What did you ever do that made me think you loved me so much? You tolerated me because you needed me, and I was doing the same thing. Hell, our relationship was one big tit-for-tat for over fifteen goddamn years, wasn’t it? You don’t love me, and I don't love you, not in any real way. Not even as friends obviously. I don’t like who I am with you or who I was with Doris and Joe. To be honest, I didn’t like myself in the Navy much either. I was good at my job, and I was proud of what I accomplished, but I didn’t like myself. Half the time, I didn’t even recognize myself. And you think I want to go back to that life? That I want to be running low-level missions in my sixties like my mom? No. Just no.”

“Steve, listen to me,” Catherine ordered desperately, “it’s okay if we don’t love each other on some deep level. Isn’t understanding one another enough? You don’t have to throw your career away again. You can come back right now, we can be a team again. With you onboard, we’d have our pick of jobs, and we’d be together, Steve. It hasn’t been that long since that’s what you wanted, me and you forever. Even if it’s not some great romance, we can still be good for each other. We can still have such an amazing life,” she entreated.

“Jesus, you are not hearing me,” Steve wailed in frustration. “I don’t want to be back in NI or the CIA or any other covert agency. I don’t want to be with someone who is just like my mom. And,” he continued, turning to Danny, “I don’t want to wander the earth like the guy from Kung Fu either. I want to stay here with the person I love more than anything and convince him that I’m telling him the truth.” Facing Catherine again, he added, “What I want more than anything right now is to say goodbye to you once and for all. I don’t want you in my life anymore, and I don’t want to be in yours. I never loved you like I wanted to, but now I know I never could’ve. I could never love anybody who can stand here and talk to this man like you just did. He’s the best man I’ve ever known, and you just spoke to him like he’s trash. Well fuck you, fuck Doris, and fuck whoever you’re working for now. I don’t want you here anymore, and I don’t want you to ever come back here. You’re not welcome.”

Eyes wide with shock and filling with tears, Catherine gasped, “Steve, you don’t mean that! You’re just upset–”

Steve nodded as he cut in, "You're damn right I'm upset, but the only person who can help that is Danny. Not you. Not you ever again. Good luck, Catherine, but don’t come back here. I don’t want any part of you or anything you’re doing. Get your bag and get out.”

“Steve, how can you do this?” she cried. “How can you stand there and tell me that this is what you want? That  _ he _ is what you want? Look at–”

“Stop right there. I don’t want to hear whatever is about to come out of your vindictive mouth. The Cath I slept with, the Cath I worked with for years, those weren’t you. Clearly the closest I’ve ever come to meeting the real you is right now. I’m done, Catherine, and you can tell whoever your boss is the same thing. I’m not buying what you’re selling.”

She mulled that over for a few seconds before her features hardened, tears drying up quickly. “You’re making a mistake,” she asserted coldly.

Steve huffed, “I’ve been making mistakes for years, apparently, but this isn’t one of them. Enough, okay. It’s over, and you need to go,” he concluded, walking toward the door.

Shaking with fury, she grabbed her bag and scoffed, “Well fuck you too, McGarrett! If you’re going to throw me over for  _ that _ then you don’t deserve me.”

Steve stopped in his tracks, turning to her menacingly. “Watch your mouth. He’s worth five million of you, whether he believes me or not. Hit the bricks, Lieutenant. We’re done here.” With that pronouncement, he ushered her out the door, watching as she practically stomped to her rental and drove away without looking back.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, steeling himself to face Danny again. Before he could head back inside though, he heard a car pull into the drive. Immediately alert, he frowned and reached for a gun he didn’t have when the black sedan rolled to a stop and the engine cut.

He squinted, trying to look through the windshield, when the passenger door opened and his sister stepped out. “Mary!” he exclaimed in bewildered surprise.

He felt Danny come up behind him, looking around his shoulder, as the other door swung out and a very familiar figure came into view. 

“Chin?” Both men chimed, sounding equally shocked.

Their friend simply smiled his serene little smile. “Aloha, gentlemen. Long time, no see.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay. My a/c went out over the weekend, and my mom had a mild stroke on Wednesday so I've been stuck at the hospital. It's been a hell of a week, so this hasn't been edited as much as I'd like. I even had an offer from the amazing phoebetales to beta read for me, but I figured I better get this posted while I had the chance. If you see any glaring errors, please let me know. I hope it's okay.


	7. Chin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chin Ho to the rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this in the end note, but I'm moving it here based on some of the comments I've received: the future chapters have a lot less dunking on Steve and more understanding that he needs help too. Hopefully you can see the transition to that in this chapter. The boys have to both heal before anything else can happen. I'm not really sure how people are going to feel about this one, so please feel free to share any _constructive_ criticism. As always, thanks to everyone who's left kudos and comments.

Chin Ho Kelly supposed if there was one thing he was known for, it was being calm. He’d always been just a little concerned that people might mistake it for boredom or even stupidity, but it was one of the things that made him a good cop. Keeping cool under fire was something to be admired, but he knew he’d gotten tagged as being disinterested in the job more than once. He’d wondered before if that, the mistaken sense that he wasn’t really present on the job, had something to do with how quickly he was shunned by HPD all those years ago. Not that it mattered now.

What  _ did _ matter now was that his wife had been throwing around words like passionless and dull and aloof more and more lately.  _ There’s no fire in you now, Chin. What happened to you, Chin? Do you even care, Chin? _ He’d been hearing some variation of that tune for close to a year now, and it was cutting him to the quick.  Realistically, he couldn’t even fault her for it. Sure, she’d known what she was getting into when they married, but he knew marriage could be a whole different ball game sometimes. No longer than he’d been married to Malia had made that perfectly clear. And he really couldn’t deny that he’d had more trouble than he’d expected settling in San Francisco. The job was fine, the people he worked with were fine, the neighborhood they lived in was fine. Everything was fine. His life was pretty much a shoulder shrug, and Abby was right, it was affecting them. 

The bigger issue was that the “fighting” – which was mostly Abby yelling, often rightfully so, at Chin and Chin shutting down to the point that it was its own form of aggression – was starting to get to Sara. That simply would not do. So when he’d answered his phone and heard Mary McGarrett of all people asking for his help, well, it was exceptionally good timing. It took him almost no time to decide what to do, and the conversation with Abby about heading home to Hawaii didn’t take much more. She was fond of Danny and troubled by what Mary had told him, but he could see it in her eyes that she was relieved Chin was leaving, regardless of the reason.  She had to have some idea that he wasn’t really planning to come back any time soon when he told her that he was taking Sara with him. Abby made a little noise about taking the girl out of school, but the semester was almost over. A call to one of his cousins assured him that she could finish out the year online even if it took some of the summer to complete the course work. 

He’d anticipated Abby being way more upset about him taking Sara along. Abby was an excellent aunt, and she genuinely loved the girl. He was sure, though, that they could work out some sort of visitation so she could stay in Sara's life, and that was his chief concern. Abby deserved to be happy, and, through no fault of her own, she couldn't find that with Chin. They couldn't find that with each other. It mostly felt like they were simply correcting a mistake.  He knew that he would have to figure out a way to get Sara through the separation, especially once the little girl realized the move was permanent. She'd been through so much upheaval already that he felt horrible for changing her life again. He was hoping, though, that surrounding her with family, with o’hana, would help with the transition. Other than his worries about Sara, everything else came together so easily that he took it as a sign – a super-depressing, “your life is such a cluster fuck and you didn’t even realize how bad it was” sort of sign, but a sign nonetheless.

Chin knew, of course, about Danny’s trauma, mostly through the grapevine, which made him feel like a special kind of jackass. It wasn’t until he talked to Mary that he found out how truly badly his friend had been hurt. Age and previous injuries had a hand in that for sure, but what Danny had been subjected to would’ve killed a lesser man. Chin should have done more to check on his friend. Never again, he vowed to himself. Danny had been there for him at a time when few others were. It was odd that a man who seemed like his polar opposite was the one person who had recognized Chin’s spirit, for lack of a better word, more readily than anyone else he’d ever met besides Malia. The man was his brother, pure and simple, even if they'd been a little neglectful of each other lately.

He called Mary back in the middle of the night, and they coordinated their flight schedules so that they’d be arriving in Honolulu close to the same time. Chin’s flight landed first, so he was in charge of the car rental. After Mary landed, they fell into a brief but heartfelt embrace before introducing the girls to each other. Once the niceties were taken care of, they headed out to the rental lot and threw their luggage into the trunk.

As he drove, he and Mary discussed Steve's visit earlier that day. She was livid that her brother had taken off and left her with only a note, and he didn't bother to tell her that Steve had a history of that. Everything was so messed up, but they were in Hawaii for Danny. Figuring out what they could do for Steve would have to wait.  They talked a little more about what they had planned, both of them determined that Danny would accept their help or else they’d sic a scared-to-death Gracie on him. Chin dearly hoped the man wouldn’t fight their “suggestions”. Danny had to be emotionally spent too, and Chin was man enough to admit that he needed to lick his own wounds for a bit. Really, they both needed this. If all else failed, Chin would tell Danny that, that Chin himself needed this too. Once his friend knew that, he was pretty sure Danny would be onboard. 

When they were heading up the street to the McGarrett home, Mary hesitantly mentioned that maybe they should’ve called first. They'd agreed the night before not to call on the off-chance someone would try to stop them, and Chin reminded her of that with just a raised eyebrow. She grumbled some, but he saw the anxiety in the lines of her body. They were on very unsteady ground here, and they both needed to watch their step.They pulled up in front of the house and exchanged an extremely confused look when they saw Steve already standing in the open doorway. Mary jumped out of the car before he could say anything, and he heard Steve say her name, sounding floored she was there. When Chin saw Danny standing behind Steve, barely visible in the dim light, he exited the car too. Both men were even more shocked to see him than they were Mary. When they both said his name, clearly wondering what the hell he was doing back in Hawaii, back in front of Steve’s house _with_ _Mary_ , Chin placidly replied, “Aloha, gentlemen. Long time no see.” 

Danny recovered first, expression shifting from a dropped jaw to a disbelieving grin in the space of about five seconds. “Oh my God, Mary! Chin Ho Kelly!” he said, sounding as excited as his recovering lungs and battered body would let him. 

As Danny stepped around Steve and hobbled out toward them, Steve found his voice again. “What are you doing here?” he asked, forgetting his manners and clearly not understanding what was going on.

Mary was busy watching Danny, stifling a gasp at how bad he looked as he pulled her in with one arm for a careful hug. Chin had already walked around the car to get his own hug, and his heart broke a little when Danny dropped his cane in favor of getting both arms around him, settling his weight against Chin to prop himself up. They held each other for several moments, and it felt like coming home. He hadn’t really doubted that he was doing the right thing when he’d dropped everything to come back, but any lingering uncertainty disappeared. 

Danny pulled away eventually, and Mary handed him his cane. Danny was smiling and squeezing her arm when he admitted, "I'm so glad to see you guys, but we’re gonna have to continue this somewhere I can sit down before I fall down." He took a shallow breath and looked over at Chin with a rueful smile. “It’s been a tough few days.”

Chin nodded with the understanding that had always been there between them. “I think maybe it’s been a little longer than a few days, brah.”

Danny huffed a wry little laugh before agreeing, “Yeah, I guess so.” He turned toward the car like he might actually offer to help them with anything they’d brought only to notice the two girls sitting in the back seat. The man’s face lit-up like Christmas as he called out, “Joanie! Sara! What are two of my favorite girls doing all the way in Hawaii?” By that point he was pulling the back passenger door open. 

Joan didn’t quite remember the man, so Mary introduced him. “Joanie, this is Danny. He’s Uncle Steve's friend and Gracie’s dad.” 

The girl chewed on that a moment before it clicked. Once it did though, she yelled, “You’re Danno!”, excited to finally see the man Gracie talked about so much. “Hi, Danno, I’m Joan. It’s very nice to meet you.”

Danny smiled back, “Oh, we’ve already met, you were just too young to remember it.” Danny’s eyes shifted over to Sara as he said more softly, “But this young lady might remember me.”

Chin saw how Sara had been looking at Danny with a shy sort of expectation, and he was so glad his friend recognized that. He wasn’t surprised though. Danny and kids, they were a natural combo.  Sara smiled, a bit more confident now that she knew Danny recalled her. “I remember you, Danny! You hate pineapples and red socks!” she exclaimed. She reminded Chin so much of Kono when she’d been that age, polite and shy until her natural exuberance got the best of her. 

The three adults laughed at that, and even Steve smiled reluctantly. Chin threw a puzzled look at his friend asking, “Okay, the pineapple part I get, but since when do you hate red socks?”

Danny flat-out grinned then. “I think she means  _ the _ Red Sox.” Looking back at Sara he praised the girl, “This one never forgets anything, huh?”

Chin smiled ruefully, “No, she does not.” He let Sara know she could get out of the car, and she bounced out, still smiling at Danny as Mary kept Joan from diving at Danny for a hug. 

“Hold on, baby. Uncle Danny is hurt, so you have to be really gentle.” Joan cautiously wrapped her arms around Danny as he cupped the back of her head. He looked up and waved Sara over, and she too gave him a very delicate embrace. 

Steve pointedly cleared his throat, inviting them all in. “We can sit out on the lanai and let the girls play for a little while,” he grumbled.

Chin saw the sorrow and trepidation underneath the sullen confusion in Steve’s expression, and his heart went out to him. Chin hadn’t expected to even see Steve, and he hadn't had much time to think about how the man must be feeling. It was another reminder that he should’ve been a better friend these last few years, but he had to let that go and just do better. Right now, unfortunately, that meant prioritizing Danny. His injuries weren’t only emotional, and his physical health trumped everything else.

They all watched Danny limp to the door and sidestep Steve. Joanie ran along behind, stopping to sling her arms around her uncle in a tight embrace and call out, "Uncle Steve, I've missed you!"

As Steve rubbed Joanie’s back and assured her he'd missed her too, Mary approached, somehow looking both irritated and sympathetic. She touched Steve's shoulder and murmured, "Howzit, bro?" as she guided Joan into the house. Chin stopped for his own sincere hug, but it was like hugging a statue. Even Sara’s quick embrace and "Hi, Steve!" didn't change the man's expression.

Chin stepped inside and walked through to the lanai, Steve following behind him. They reached the doors just in time to hear both girls squeal that they wanted to play in the sand. With a nod of permission from Chin and Mary, they took off toward the water's edge.  All of the adults found a seat except Steve, who stood to the side with his chin up and arms crossed defensively. He was plainly expecting a fight, but before things could descend into that, Chin quickly asked Danny, “So, how are you feeling?”

Since he’d grunted sitting down and was clutching his side to help ease the pain, a polite lie was a waste of time. “I’ve been better, man. This one, uh, this one was rough.” It was a ridiculous understatement. 

Shifting in agitation before Chin could even respond, Steve ventured, “It’s great to see you guys, but would one of you  _ please _ tell me what you're doing here?”

Mary jumped right in. “We are here to take care of Danny. He's a mess and he needs help."

Chin winced at her blunt assessment, even if she was right. Hoping to soften her words, he chimed in, “I think what she means is that we're both really worried about Danny, and Grace is –"

“Freaking out,” Mary interrupted.

Chin tilted his head in acknowledgement, “Freaking out. So when Mary called me, I figured it was a good time to catch up with an old friend.”

Danny smiled. “I’d say who you callin’ old, but I’m feeling way beyond my years today,” he conceded. “But, buddy, this isn’t gonna be a quick thing,” Danny continued. “It’s gonna be a while before I’m back on my feet. You’ve got Abby and Sara, and what about your job? I love that you want to help me, believe me. It’s…” he trailed off, visibly trying to swallow the lump in his throat, “it’s amazing that you’re here, that you're all here, but I don’t want you to put your life on pause for this. I’ll be okay sooner or later, then maybe you can come back for a real vacation.” He was trying not to appear overwhelmed, but he wasn’t succeeding.

Even though it would mean making his own admission about some very personal things, Chin cut to the chase. “Look, I’ve got my ducks in a row for this, Danny. Abby and I… well, let’s just say that I probably would’ve been leaving soon anyway." He saw Danny blink in surprise at that. "As for Sara," he continued, "We decided that coming with me is what’s best for her. She only had a month or so of school left anyway, and I’ve got a cousin who’s going to help us with her classes so she can move forward in the fall.”

“And what about work?” Steve challenged, clenching his hands into fists 

Chin glanced up at him then back down to meet Danny’s gaze. “Technically, I’m on a leave of absence, but that’s just until my retirement goes through. I don’t think another twenty is in the cards.”

He hadn’t said anything about that to Mary, so she looked as shocked as her brother. Danny didn’t though, nodding at his friend in recognition. Chin knew then that Five-0 was going to permanently lose Detective Daniel Williams. He couldn’t help but think it was for the best.

"What about your job and Joan's school?" Danny wondered as he watched Mary.

"I've been working from home for a while now, and Chin's cousin is gonna help set up Joanie’s classes too." Looking knowingly over at Danny, her face softened as she reassured, "We've got this covered, Jersey."

“So, what's your plan here?" Steve challenged.

This was the part that Chin wasn’t too sure about. It had been surprisingly easy to arrange a place for them all, especially since one secret agent/author had a very large soft-spot for Danny Williams. Clearing his throat, Chin admitted, “I made some phone calls to a… let’s say mutual friend, and he just so happened to have a very lovely, very large new vacation home that’s sitting empty right here in Honolulu. It’s not on the beach, but it’s got a pool and, more importantly, it’s got enough room for everybody. There’s a pool house for Mary and Joan, and the main house has bedrooms for everyone else.” 

Danny’s eyes narrowed accusingly. “If you tell me that Kamekona has a mansion sitting around empty —”

Chin cut him off before Danny got too riled. “Not Kamekona, brah.”

Now Danny just looked confused, trying to figure out who he knew who could offer something like that. 

One look at Steve, and it was clear he’d figured it out. “Harry,” he stated flatly.

“What?" Danny barked in disbelief. "And here I was feeling sorry for him for losing all his money," he revealed, pinching the bridge of his nose like he was getting a headache.

Probably the only person who never realized how much affection Harry Langford held for Danny was Danny. Chin’s cousin had been the seller’s real estate agent when Harry, operating under an assumed name, had bought the house. The man had explained that he’d fallen in love with the island when he visited for work, and one mention of Five-0 (deliberate or not, Chin would never know) meant that Chin knew about the house as soon as it had been safe for his cousin to make a phone call. He'd figured out exactly who she was talking about as soon as she mentioned the accent. Chin made the ballsy move to track Harry down through the contact info from the sale, and was frankly stunned by how easy it had been — easy enough that Chin wondered if Harry _wanted_ them to know how to find him. When Chin asked for use of the house, he'd been fairly certain Harry would agree, and he was proven right as soon as Danny’s name came up. In fact, Chin wouldn’t be surprised if they got a visit from the man sooner rather than later. He made a vow to himself never to ask about where the money for the house had come from. Harry had probably tapped into a hidden foreign account or stolen some diamonds from a countess or something else roguishly shady. Whatever had happened, Chin legitimately didn't care. Besides, he wasn't really a cop anymore anyway.

“What difference does it make whose it is?” Mary piped up. “It’s a perfect solution for everybody. Chin and I will stay and make sure Danny has the help he needs, the girls and Charlie will have a blast, and Gracie can calm down and focus on her exams before she comes home too.”

Danny pinned her with a sharp gaze. “And do I get any say in this?” 

“No, you don’t,” she answered matter-of-factly. “I’m doing this for your daughter, for your kids, and you’re gonna do it for them too.” 

Danny tried to stare her down, but it must’ve been hard to do when he knew she was right. He was the first to blink, nodding slowly. “Yeah, yeah okay.”

Steve obviously couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Danny! You can’t be serious, man. You can’t just take off to Harry fucking Langford’s mansion —"

“I can do whatever the hell I wanna do, Steven. This isn’t about you. Chin’s probably the most stable person I’ve ever met, so maybe, just maybe, this is a good idea for me and my kids,” Danny ground out.

“Danny, man, I told you I’m not going anywhere. You can stay here," Steve replied, pleading with the man to believe him.

Chin glanced over at Mary. They hadn’t even gotten to Steve explaining what the hell he was doing back in Hawaii or where Catherine was. Chin cared about what was happening with Steve, he truly, honestly did, but he could only handle one thing at a time. Danny was fading fast, and they needed to take him to the house and get him settled. Harry had assured him that the place would be ready and even stocked with groceries, so it was just a matter of getting Danny there. 

“Listen,” Chin urged, “I get that there’s a lot going on here that I don’t know about. What I do know is that Danny is in pain and needs to rest, and right now I don’t think he can do that here.” Danny nodded in agreement, so Chin went on, “It might be a good idea for everyone to go to their corner and come back to all of this later.”

Steve couldn’t deny that Danny needed to rest, and though it looked like he wanted to argue, he didn’t. Nodding in resignation, he offered to grab some of Danny’s things to take to Harry’s place. Chin pretended not to notice how red the man’s eyes were when he dipped back into the house.

Standing and offering his hand to Danny, he planted his feet and helped lift him from the chair. Danny’s eyes were red too, and he looked at Chin and Mary with such a deep gratitude that it made Chin want to cry along with him. Mary tenderly placed an arm around Danny’s shoulders. “Hey, anything for Gracie’s Danno, huh?” 

Danny gave her a watery smile. “Yeah,” he granted, “Gracie’s and Charlie’s Danno.” 

Chin called out to the girls, already dreading how much sand they were going to track into the rental. Oh well, he figured, sand was part of Hawaiian life. It struck him then how good it felt to be home even if it was a sort of tragedy that had brought him back. He looked over at his friend who was plainly aching in mind and body. Affectionately tugging Sara’s ponytail before she took off running into the house, he squeezed Danny’s shoulder. “Aloha, Danny.”

Danny coughed out a choked laugh, “Aloha to you too, Chin Ho, and thank you.”

“Any time, brah, any time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on feedback, I made some edits to this chapter to be less harsh toward Steve. Also, I hope it was clear that Abby wasn't a shrew or solely to blame for the breakdown of her and Chin's marriage. That's not what I intended, so if it comes across that way, please let me know. My poor time management skills mean I've either got to post this now or wait until next week. Thanks for being patient!


	8. Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out a little differently than I expected. It's not particularly dark in and of itself, in fact it's intended to be tentatively hopeful, but there is a discussion about the darkness of depression and indirect references to suicidal thoughts. If any of that is not healthy for you, please skip this chapter. I'll give a summary of this chapter in the notes for the next chapter so anyone can pick up the plot even if they need to avoid this update.

The next day, Steve was jarred out of a stupor by a pounding on the door. He tried to ignore it but gave up when he heard Lou's muffled voice. "I got a call from Chin Ho, so I know you're in there, McGarrett. Open the door."

Steve groaned but got up anyway, knowing that he'd have to deal with Grover one way or another. The man would never back down. He plodded to the door and flung it open, belligerently growling, "What are you doing here?”

Lou gave him an appraising look and seemed none too impressed with what he saw. “It’s good to see you too, brother. Feels like it was just a couple of days ago that I was in here crying and telling you goodbye.”

Steve was in no mood for jokes, so he turned back into the house knowing Lou would follow him. Crashing back onto the couch, he threw a surly look at his friend when Lou noticed the number of empty Longboards and the half-empty bottle of scotch on the coffee table.

Lou raised an eyebrow at the mess. “I’m not saying you haven’t earned a little help unwinding, but there’s such a thing as taking it too far.”

The implied criticism raised Steve's hackles. “I think maybe in this case, it might not be possible to take it too far. So if you’ll excuse me, I intend to get drunk until I pass out again, and then I might do the same thing tomorrow.”

“Well, that’s definitely one choice," Lou rejoined, "but I’d like to offer another one: come stay with me and Renee.”

Steve couldn't believe Lou would even suggest such a thing. “No, no way. No. I am not going to make Renee deal with me right now. It’s bad enough that you got dragged into this, I don’t need to drag your wife down.” Renee was amazing, and he shuddered at the thought of her seeing him in such bad shape.

Lou took a deep breath and looked toward the ceiling, muttering “Lord help." He returned his gaze to Steve and got right to the point. "McGarrett — Steve, you haven’t dragged anyone into anything. You got problems, brother, but your biggest one is that you don’t understand that you have people that care for you. Do you or do you not remember all the people standing in your living room the other day? Do you think that was all an act?”

It wasn’t at all that Steve thought it was an act. He was pretty sure it wasn’t, anyway. He’d have missed any one of them who left the island, so he figured they’d miss him too. Chin and Kono had definitely missed him, and he them, when they'd left. So, no, he knew his o’hana cared for him. But Lou was trying to say that they loved him, and there was a big difference between caring and loving. Actually, if he wanted to get specific, he figured they were mostly grateful to him. All of them, besides Noelani, had been in a tough spot when he found them, and it had made them have a certain understandable affection for him. Devotion, even. But that was aimed at Commander McGarrett, the head of Five-0. Of course, they were friends with Steve outside of work, but even then he figured they appreciated him more than loved him. He had no idea how to even express that to Lou though. He couldn’t find the words, and he was pretty sure his thoughts wouldn’t sit too well with Lou even if Steve could articulate them. 

“I don’t think it was all an act, man,” he finally settled on, "but there’s a difference between being my friend and putting up with whatever the fuck is even going on with me. Nobody should have to deal with my bullshit right now. I don’t want anybody to.” He tried very hard not to sound too sullen, but he failed miserably.

Lou let out a weary, irritated sigh. “That is where you are completely wrong. There isn’t a difference between being your friend and putting up with whatever the fuck is going on with you. That’s what friendship is. It means you hold tighter when one of you is hurting.”

Steve knew, he absolutely knew, that Lou didn’t mean it that way, that he wasn’t making a dig at how Steve had left Danny when he was hurting, but his words were another reminder of what he’d done. But before he could fall down that hole, Lou nudged his knee with his own.

“Come home with me,” he cajoled. “Let Renee feed you, and you can crash in the guest room. Believe it or not, things will be clearer tomorrow. We’ll figure this out man, just please let us help you do that. Besides, I don’t think the woman would let me back in the house without you.”

Steve's lips turned up ever so slightly at that. He wasn’t sure if Lou was joking or not because Renee was Queen of the Castle and Lou her happily faithful subject. Steve was bone-tired and still sort of drunk, but he forced himself to actually consider Lou's offer. It was so tempting to say yes. He knew he was in some sort of abject despair, and he’d seen what that could do. He’d seen plenty of men in the same shape go right off the rails, and it could happen in the blink of an eye. Plus, the thought of something as simple as going upstairs to bed, of trying to sleep instead of just blacking out, made his stomach hurt. 

When Lou pleaded one more time with an intense “Please, man!”, Steve finally nodded. Yeah. Yeah. He looked at the empty beer bottles lying around, and more than Lou’s request, that was the clincher. His liver was the most important gift he’d ever been given, and he'd been way too casual about it in the past. Picturing Danny in his mind, he refused to shy away from the enormity of what he'd been given. He truly didn’t want to ruin something so precious on a week-long bender, which was very much where he was headed. Lou stood as soon as he nodded and headed toward Steve’s bag that was still by the door, probably afraid he'd change his mind if he had more time to think about it. Steve rose much more slowly, sluggish from the liquor and the after effects of the worst day of his life. Lou turned back as Steve followed him to the door, frowning in sympathy. He wrapped his big hand around Steve’s bicep and squeezed. “For what it's worth, I’m glad you’re back. I’m really glad you're back.”

Steve placed his hand over Lou’s and nodded his head again, wishing he could believe that.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{H50}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

When Steve finally fell into bed in the Grover’s guest room, he slept for a solid twelve hours. Lou didn’t even try to get him out of bed when he finally roused, simply handing Steve a sandwich and some Gatorade. He watched until Steve had eaten it all, gathered the empty plate and bottle, and left without a word. Steve passed out again almost immediately, the exhaustion overwhelming him. 

The next morning, he woke up feeling like he’d been hit by a train. He lay there desperately wishing for a bottle of Advil when he heard a noise out in the hall. About three seconds later, the door opened up wide, and Renee walked over to him. She crossed her arms as she looked him over, finally declaring, “I hope you feel better than you look.”

He very much did not, and his face must’ve shown it. With a knowing nod, she issued his orders, “Go get a shower then come downstairs. I’ll make you some breakfast, then we can figure some things out.” When it was clear he wasn’t going to argue, she turned and headed out, yelling out behind her where the linens were. 

His bag was in the corner of the bedroom, so he grabbed his dopp kit and a change of clothes. He found the linens where Renee had said and took a shower that was way longer than regulation. After he brushed his teeth, he felt slightly more human. He refused to look in the mirror though. Easing down the stairs, he heard Renee knocking around in the kitchen. He headed in to get his promised food, and she smirked when she caught sight of him. “Well you look better at least. Probably smell better too.” He couldn’t argue with that.

She tipped her head at the table, and he took a seat. Turning back to the stove, she casually flipped a pancake up onto a plate with plenty of bacon before placing it in front of Steve. The syrup was already on the table, and he dug in as he realized he was starving. He wolfed down all of his food before Renee could slide some more pancakes onto his plate. After he’d finished those off only slightly less quickly, he drank some of the coffee that had appeared next to his plate. He took an appreciative sip and didn’t even miss the butter.

Right as he was about to thank Renee for all she’d done, Lou came in through the kitchen door. “Well, well, well! Sleeping Beauty decided to join us!” he teased in his usual manner, good-natured and loud. Steve didn’t wince at the volume, but it was a close thing. He saw Renee smirk knowingly at him from behind her mug.

Lou poured himself a cup and sat next to Renee across from Steve. Neither of them spoke immediately, but Steve could feel the shift in the atmosphere. Lou cleared his throat, still a little unsure of how to jump into the difficult conversation they needed to have. Renee finally nudged him hard in the ribs, and he gasped, “Steve, we think you need some help, brother.” Lou looked at him with an expression that was a cross between pity and dread. Renee just looked exasperated.

“I think what my husband means,” she explained, “is that we see you struggling. Even before all this with Danny’s kidnapping, we saw you struggling.”

Lou nodded along, “We’ve been seeing it for a long time now.”

“A very long time,” Renee continued. “I think everybody has seen it, Steve. It’s why no one was that surprised when you decided to take a break. We weren't expecting the break to be as… let's say _far-reaching_ as you planned, but we understood where you were coming from.”

“Look,” Lou went on, “I don’t know exactly what happened with you and Danny the other day. What I do know is that the man is battered and broken, and you are too. You’re the walking wounded, and you were before you ever got on that plane.”

Renee nodded her head in agreement, and Steve found himself doing the same thing. Lou wasn’t wrong. The whole point of leaving in the first place was that he knew he was a wreck. None of this was news, so he wasn’t really sure what the point was. Before he could open his mouth to ask, Renee blurted, “Which is why we think you need professional treatment.” Steve just gazed at her steadily, utterly unable to ever speak harshly to Renee no matter how much he wanted to.

Lou was giving his wife an unimpressed look, but it was obviously his turn in the tag team. “There’s a place on the big island. It’s not dedicated to vets and cops, but a lot of them end up there. According to…” Lou hesitated, choosing his words carefully, “according to our sources, it’s something a little like rehab that's not just for addicts. You get away from the pressures of life for a while, and you get sort of, uh, intensive treatment. We did some investigating, and the place is legit. They get good results, and most of the cost will be covered by your insurance."

Steve appreciated what they were trying to do, the extent they’d gone to to get him some help, but there was no way he was going to some glorified retreat. “Lou…” he started.

Refusing to be cut off, Lou held up his hand and continued, “Just let me finish. It’s isolated, it’s on the water, and there’s no one there that needs anything from you except for you to get better. There are doctors and counselors and God knows what else, but it’s a good place. They can help you heal if you’ll let them.” With that, he looked at Steve expectantly.

“I can talk now?” he asked sarcastically. If Renee hadn’t been there, his response would’ve been a lot more direct and would’ve involved much more colorful language. As it was, all he said was, “No thanks.”

Lou sighed and slumped a little in his seat. Renee looked at her husband, doing the silent communication thing.

He wasn’t sure if Renee won or lost their unspoken argument, but she was the one who sat up straighter and looked Steve dead in the eye. “I don’t think you understand where you are right now because where you are is somewhere very dangerous. I’ve been there. Lou’s been there. It’s somewhere dark and heavy and miserable. And even though you know, _you know_ , it's not true, it feels like it's the only place you'll ever be. I can tell you from experience that you can’t get out of that place by yourself. You can’t just run away from it, you have to have help. You, Steve, you have to have help because I think that the dark place you’re in is darker than most. You’re on the ground, and if you don’t let somebody help you up, you may as well lie there and die. You know I’m right, I can see it. You’ve spent twenty years staying one step in front of it, but all this pain, all these wounds, they’ve slowed you down. It’s catching up with you, and it scares me. It scares all of us, all the people who care about you. And even if you don’t believe it, that’s a lot of people.”

He couldn’t meet her gaze after that, ducking his head instead and looking at his coffee cup without really seeing it. His heart was racing, partly in anger, but mostly from the sense that he’d been caught out, that he’d been so seen. Because what Renee had described, it was almost exactly right. Wounded animals slink off on their own to die. He wasn’t sure that’s what he’d been doing, but he could see how it must’ve seemed that way. Danny had been too deep in his own hurt to recognize it, or at least to stage some sort of intervention about it, and Steve wondered if that’s why he’d been so willing to leave while Danny was still injured. He shook his head at the thought, unwilling to look too closely at how destructive his own subconscious could be. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t take responsibility for his actions though.

Sensing that Steve was truly thinking about what they’d said, Renee went in for the kill. “You’re in love with him, Steve." His whole body jerked in surprise, not really because she knew he was in love with Danny, that was painfully obvious at this point, but because she was willing to speak about it so openly. It had felt like such a suffocating secret for so long. "You love him," she went on, ignoring his reaction, "and you couldn’t be there for him when he needed you. What you’ve been through, what you’re feeling, took you away from the man you love. If you won’t do this for yourself, at least think about that. If you want him back, if you want any kind of a life with him in it, you can’t just go back to the way things were. Danny’s got his own issues, and a little birdie told me that he’s agreed to get help too. You want to find your way back to him? Then this is your first step. Trust us and let us help. You’re loved, and we’re not letting you go somewhere none of us can follow ever again. You deserve to be happy, and Danny does too. I don’t think there’s a world where you’ll be happy apart, but I can see plenty of them where you’re not happy together either. Don’t let it play out like that. Loving Danny means loving yourself right now because regardless of what went down, he needs you. He needs a man who won’t leave him again, and you can be that man. There’s room on the lifeboat, Steve, I promise.”

He honestly thought he’d cried out every tear his body would ever make the other night, sitting all alone in his dark living room and sobbing like a baby. He’d grieved for everything he’d lost and everything he was in the process of losing, and it had pulled at him until the tears poured and poured. He was wrong though, because there were plenty of tears dripping down his face right then. He was embarrassed to cry in front of Renee, but he couldn’t stop it. He heard her rise, probably to get him some tissues or water, so he was amazed when she instead walked around the table and wrapped her arms around him. The kindness made the tears fall harder, but he could still hear her when she asked one last time, “Will you let us help you, please?”

He put his hands over his face as she cradled his head to her stomach. His stubble caught on the fabric of her shirt as he finally nodded his head in agreement. Renee kissed his hair and held on tight as she whispered, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone still reading. I hate that it took so long to update, but I broke my finger. Thank goodness it's on my left hand, but typing has been a nightmare. There will be typos, so please let me know when you see them. It's been a hell of a few months, but I am still so lucky that everything that's happened has been minor compared to what a lot of people are going through right now. I hope all of you are staying as healthy, mentally and physically, as possible. And, as always, comments and kudos are better than candy (not really).


	9. Danny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things for the boys are finally looking up! Typing still isn't that easy, so there are probably tons of mistakes that I missed. Please point out any you see. As always, thanks for all the comments and kudos. This story has turned into a bit of a monster, and I appreciate everyone who's still sticking with me! BTW, there's no pandemic in this story. There's been enough angst. 😄

**For those of you who needed to skip the last chapter, all you need to know is that Lou and Renee convinced Steve to enter a treatment program.**

It was the first day Danny had been allowed to drive himself without anyone else in the car. He didn’t know if he liked that better or worse than having Chin or Mary riding along. Was it better to turn expecting to see Steve and see nobody or see the wrong person? They both really sucked. Fortunately, the meeting with Ellie had been worth the sting of sadness and the sting he felt in his shoulder when he had to turn his head to check for traffic.

She’d called him the day before, asking to see him to discuss something really important – not anything bad, just important. They’d met at one of the many hole-in-the-wall food joints that seemed to spring up around courthouses everywhere. He recognized a few of the faces inside, defense lawyers mostly. He caught Ellie’s wave from a table toward the back, and he edged around the tightly packed dining room to join her. Kissing her cheek briefly, he carefully settled onto the rickety wooden chair.

“It’s good to see you, Danny. It’s good to see you looking healthy. We were all worried there for a while,” Ellie said, her voice tinged with true concern.

“It’s good to see you too,” he replied. “I wasn’t really expecting a call," he ventured, deflecting any more talk about his injuries, "but it was a good surprise.” He smiled genuinely at her, conveniently choosing to forget all the times he’d been jealous of her and the easy comfort Steve seemed to feel around her. Ellie was good people, and that’s all that mattered. After they’d eaten and caught up on each other’s lives, Danny's anxiety about what she wanted was starting to be an issue. Finally, she tossed her napkin onto her plate and got down to brass tacks.

“I know you’re not going back to Five-0,” she said bluntly. Danny started to interrupt, but she shushed him. “It doesn’t matter how I know,” she continued, answering his question before he could ask it, “all I know is that, for me, it’s really good news.”

He blinked a few times, already trying to quell the squeeze of hurt forming in his chest. Before he could get too far with that, Ellie went on, “Oh, stop, Detective. I’m not glad your career there is over really, I’m just selfishly glad that we have an opportunity to poach you before you put in your resignation.”

She had Danny’s attention with that, and she spent the next fifteen minutes laying out all the reasons why the current Prosecuting Attorney wanted Danny to take over as the chief investigator for the department. As he sat listening, it became more and more clear that the job ticked nearly every box he could think of for a cop who was ready to retire but maybe not, you know, _retire_ retire. He was already quite tempted before she paused dramatically and concluded with, “And we’ve only had one investigator from our office get shot ever! You could die anytime still,” she added, like it was a caveat she needed to point out, “but it probably won’t be from doing this job.” She smiled brightly, confident that she’d been perfectly persuasive.

He asked a few questions, and sat biting his lip as she answered, clearly having anticipated most of them. She even let him stare off into the distance, thinking, for a few moments. “One last thing,” he said, looking sharply at her, “why didn’t the PA talk to me herself?”

Ellie grinned. “She thinks I’ve got an in with you. She really wants you for this job, Danny.” She pulled a sheaf of papers out of her briefcase and slid them over to him. “These are the details of the job and the offer. As your friend, let me point out two words: _salary negotiable_. Know your worth, Williams.”

He nodded, ever-so-slightly dazed, and since it was Friday, asked for the weekend to think it over. Danny was walking Ellie toward the door when she was stopped by a colleague. He thanked her and let her know to expect his call on Monday.

All the way back to the house, he kept trying not to feel excited. It was too easy, he told himself. Things like this didn’t just fall into his lap. Not Danny Williams, the saddest of sacks. His therapist — his three days a week therapist, God help him — would tell him to stop and redirect his thoughts toward something positive. What sounded so simple was incredibly difficult to actually do, but since he was taking his therapy very seriously this time, he had been actively practicing. When his mind started to circle in such a counterproductive way, he made himself focus instead on the interior of his new Camaro. He wasn’t sure how much he liked the lighter color of the seats, but he had to admit they didn’t get nearly as hot in the Hawaiian sun. He’d get used to it. That and fiddling with the new sound system carried him all the way to the driveway, where he heard the high-pitched squeals of his son and quasi-niece coming from the back yard.

It wasn’t a yard in the sense that Danny was used to. The house didn’t really have a yard, it had _grounds_. The back door opened onto a large terrace that overlooked the pool and poolhouse. There was an honest-to-goodness tennis court farther back and a large pergola over an outdoor seating area off to the left. He walked up to the long, shaded table just as the kids were getting out of the water for an afternoon snack and some fresh sunscreen.

Mary smiled when she saw him. “Look who’s here, guys!” she announced. Charlie and Joan yelled and ran toward him like they hadn’t seen him in two weeks instead of two hours. Frankly, it did his battered self-worth a lot of good. His face stretched into the kind of grin that was only just now starting to creep back into his life. He knew it looked goofy, but he’d missed feeling it stretch across his face. He missed feeling happy.

He was just about to ask where Sara was when she came running out of the house, followed slowly by Chin who was shaking his head at her antics. The adults kept waiting for the novelty of the swimming pool to wear off, especially for Charlie who had one at Rachel’s house too, but that time hadn’t come yet. Sara veered off to give Danny a hug and tell him she was glad he was back before walking down the steps into the shallow end of the pool. 

After taking care of Charlie, he grabbed a seat and opened one of the bottles of water Mary had brought out from the poolhouse. Neither she nor Chin asked what the meeting had been about, instead they looked at Danny expectantly like there was no reason they should have to ask. There really wasn’t, so he laid out everything Ellie had told him. By the time he was done, Mary looked stupidly excited and Chin looked sort of placidly relieved. Danny understood both. The two of them agreeing that it was a fantastic offer gave him a shot of confidence. 

“I’m not cleared for work yet, and the doc said it would probably be a few more weeks. I don’t think I’ll have to be cleared for fieldwork for this, but I’m not gonna get clearance even for light-duty until the end of the month at least,” Danny said, thinking out loud.

“Do they know that?” asked Mary, sounding concerned.

He nodded. “Yeah, I told Ellie. She said that was fine. She said the PA really wants me for this,” he added, cheeks pinking a bit at the implied praise. “I think she’s maybe been speaking to the governor." He couldn't think of anyone else who might've tipped off the PA about his plans for retirement. "Even if the doctor cleared me though, they’d have to wait a while regardless. I want the time off to spend with Grace when she comes home." His excitement over a potential job had nothing on how excited he was to see his daughter again.

“Not to jinx it, man, but it sounds perfect,” Chin said, snapping him out of his thoughts about Grace. “You’ve earned it. You’re really good at what you do, and it’s time you got the credit you deserve.” 

“Thank you,” Danny muttered a little gruffly, overcome with all the nice things he was hearing. He knew that was kind of pathetic, but his wilted heart needed it desperately.

He purposely set aside more discussion about the potential job by asking about the kids’ morning. Charlie was off that day because of a teacher workshop, and Mary and Chin had deliberately adjusted the girls’ online classes so they wouldn’t have to work while Charlie was there. They both acted like they were getting released from prison for a day even though neither of them actually went to a brick and mortar school. They enjoyed their lessons, but the house and the pool and having other kids around were still too fresh for anything else to keep their attention for very long. Frankly, Mary and Chin were glad for the break themselves after spending five days a week as both parent and teacher to two distracted little girls.

Conversation eventually faded, and the three friends watched their children have fun, a new generation of o’hana forming right before their eyes. For the first time in a long time, Danny took a deep breath that didn’t hurt, taking in the scent of hibiscus and the ever-present saltwater smell that was in the air no matter how far from the beach he got. Suddenly, his eyes teared up and he had to dig his nails into his palms to keep from choking out a sob. He had good news, good things were happening to his family, and all he wanted to do was tell Steve. For ten years he’d had Steve sticking his nose into every part of his life, to the point that Steve sometimes knew things about Danny before Danny even knew them. It hurt that he couldn’t tell Steve about the offer, about how relaxed Mary looked, about how Chin’s eyes had a light in them again. It made him furious with Steve all over again, but mostly he was angry at himself for letting the man’s absence taint everything. 

Even so, he missed him. Jesus Christ, he missed him. He tried so hard not to think about him, but it was like not thinking of Grace or Charlie; it wasn’t going to happen. When he thought of him now though, there was a tiny little sliver of his heart that wanted to remember how much he loved Steve and how he’d always known that Steve was a good man. Both of those ideas had taken a hit when Steve had left, but Danny was discovering they were still there, deep inside. 

When he’d heard that Steve had agreed to go into intensive treatment for twelve weeks, he’d been beyond skeptical, but that tiny sliver of his heart grew ever so slightly larger when four weeks passed without Steve leaving treatment. Danny really hadn’t expected him to make it more than a few days, but the asshole had to go and prove him wrong again. This time Danny really didn’t mind. He was begrudgingly proud of Steve even while he was still so angry with him, even while he was still so hurt that it took his breath sometimes.

He missed his friend. He missed being understood. He missed being known. He missed how Steve smelled, and he missed his stupid long-legged gate when he walked around like Honolulu was his personal property. He missed stealing glances at him when Steve was driving, and he missed looking at the goddamn cargo pants of the day. So much of him thought that if he had the chance, he’d punch Steve right in the jaw again, a good ol’ right cross like he’d handed him the day they’d met. A more reasonable part of him was afraid he’d just scream at him some more for being the biggest shitheel he’d ever met. Regardless, he _still _wanted to talk to him. When they got the chance, they would have to find some way to talk, about their past and their future, about their friendship, about what being in love with each other might mean for their lives. Right then though, he just wanted to go back in time and talk to his buddy, tell him about the changes in his life, share something positive.__

____

____

He was so busy thinking himself into a funk that he didn’t even notice someone had stepped out onto the terrace until he heard Charlie scream, “Hey, Junior! We’re swimming!” 

Junior laughed and yelled back, “No way!” 

The fond sarcasm was lost on the boy who shouted back, “Yes way!” 

All the adults chuckled at that, and Chin stood to shake Junior’s hand before the young man sat down across from Danny. He took a drink from the water Mary offered, and Danny noticed how tense Junior was and how he had an air of dread about him. Before anyone could say anything, Junes reached into his back pocket and pulled out an envelope. He cleared his throat before setting it in front of Danny and saying, “This came in the mail today.” 

Danny was afraid to touch it. Clearly Junior thought it was something bad, and visions of receiving some other crazy bullshit from the Ghost of Doris Past danced in his head. Reluctantly, he picked it up and immediately recognized the handwriting. 

Junior cleared his throat and said, “It’s from Steve.” Charlie wasn’t the only one who could state the obvious. 

Danny smiled wryly and shook his head kindly. “No shit, kid.” He gazed at the letter, not sure whether to treat it like a bomb ready to explode or a gift he’d been longing for. Either way, he had no intention of tearing into it in front of everyone else. Chin, bless him, realized this and softly urged, “Go inside and read it, Danny. You need to see what he has to say.” 

He did need it, even if that knowledge burned. Rising from the table, he stepped around and patted Junior on the back. “Thanks, man. Why don’t you and the rest of the guys come over tomorrow for lunch? We’ll swim and get too much sun and drink too many beers.” 

Junior smiled, clearly grateful Danny wasn’t upset. He was a good kid. “Sounds great,” Junior replied, and Danny headed back up to the house. He walked slowly to his room, starting to feel the soreness that always crept in late in the afternoon. He shut the door behind him and sat on the bed, inspecting the perfect block lettering of his name on the envelope. God, Steve could be such a fucking dork sometimes. He slid his finger under the flap and opened the envelope, pulling out a few sheets of notebook paper that had been neatly folded into perfect thirds. _Such_ a fucking dork. 

He closed his eyes and prayed he wasn’t about to get his heart broken even more, hoping to God that he wasn’t going to have to add the US Postal Service to the long list of government agencies he had beef with. Unfolding the letter, he noted that it was written in purple glitter marker, which seemed oddly on-point for Steve. 

**_Dear Danny,_ **

_**First of all, I love you…**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I have no idea how the Prosecuting Attorney works in Honolulu, so don't expect any accuracy there. The idea for Danny being an investigator for them came straight from the Anthony character on Blue Bloods. Also, I don't think I made up the line about the ghost of Doris past because it seems more clever than what I normally manage, but I honestly can't remember. If any of you know where it came from, please let me know and I'll give credit where it's due.


	10. Steve and Danny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve's getting there. He's slowly getting there. I hope it's clear, but just in case, the content of the letter is in italics and Danny's POV is in regular text.

> _Dear Danny,_
> 
> _First of all, I love you. I’ve told you that before so many times. I always meant it. I know you don’t believe me or you think that I just love you when it’s convenient or something, but that’s not true. I love you and I will always love you. No matter what happens to me or whatever happens with us, even if there isn’t an us anymore, that’s never going away. I love you, I love you, I love you._

Danny felt his breath catch. Regardless of the pain, the love for Steve, so much damn love, was still there, so to see those words from his partner… it was good. It maybe made him want to curl up like a baby and cry, but it was still good.

> _You know where I am. I was pissed and sad and so fucked up and really didn’t want to do it, but Renee and Lou sort of scooped me up and brought me here. I didn’t even know this place existed. I think Kono told someone about it. I think maybe Kono spent some time here herself. It’s nice. Kind of fancy. I recognized a guy from the Orioles here. I couldn’t remember his name (and I probably shouldn’t tell you even if I did because it’s private), but you’d know it. Anyway, it’s that kind of place. There are 2 other cops and a Marine in my therapy group though, so I’m not real sure what the criteria is for them to take you. It’s obviously not just money that gets you in. Maybe they have a scholarship program or something._

He knew it. He fucking _knew_ it. He didn’t need Steve to tell him who the ball player was. The guy had gotten a DUI then ended up on the injured list. It wasn’t rocket science. Anyway, he was surprised Steve had taken the whole privacy thing to heart. Maybe because he was in the same boat with the guy. But Steve had a point because the place was crazy expensive, and his insurance only covered about forty percent of it. However, the couple who had started the place were vets themselves, and part of their "mission" was helping people who had served, whether they could afford to pay or not. They’d eventually included first responders in their definition of people who’d served, so the place was an odd mix of veterans, cops, and rich people. Danny wasn’t sure how Kono had found out about it; maybe she’d gone there herself, maybe she'd just heard about it from a colleague. She’d only spoken to Chin about it, and he’d never tell. So, no scholarships got him in (the dumbass and his bad jokes), just some kindness and empathy.

> _It’s beautiful, the food’s good, and I still get to swim every morning. It really fucking sucks. This is hard. I’ve had to use shit I learned to get through combat to make myself stay. I have days where I feel like I’m really getting better and days where I think the whole thing is pointless. There are a lot of days where I feel pointless. My therapist says that’s one of the reasons I’m drawn to action and danger. It’s not a hero complex, because I’ve never felt like a hero ever, but it’s me looking for a way to feel like there’s some reason I even exist. It took a lot of people looking up to me and listening to me and following me just to feel like I deserve to be here. Like I just deserve to be, period. _
> 
> _When the reward is the only thing that makes you feel like you’re worthwhile, you don’t mind taking such big risks. You’re right. (No matter how much I love you, don’t get used to that.) I was reckless. I’ve always been reckless, but until you, everybody always treated that like a good thing. I surrounded myself with people who I knew would think it was a good thing. Except you. It took me a long time, at least until the transplant, to realize that you weren’t yelling at me just because you were afraid you wouldn’t be alive at the end of the day, you were yelling because you were afraid I wouldn’t be there at the end of the day either. I didn’t know what to do with someone who didn’t expect or want me to be the big hero. It should’ve felt amazing, and it did for the most part, but sometimes I completely despised it. I know that’s so fucked up, but I’m working on it. I’m a hard worker and I’m goal oriented, so I’m going to figure it out, Danny. I’m going to figure all this shit out and get better._

Shit. Maybe Steve was finally — fucking finally — getting it. Part of him, the kind of douchey part, had always wondered if a lot of Steve’s crap was just for attention. The reputation, the way rookies said his name with awe. Danny kind of got it. Steve never even contemplated that he could demand love, but demanding respect and admiration, that he could do. That was so damn sad.

> _My insecurities, my hang-ups, they’ve caused you so much pain. I can see that now. I never really believed that my bullshit had much of an effect on you. I’ve left you before, and I knew you were angry whenever I’d take off, but I figured that was just because it fucked up the team or because you hated it when I kept secrets from you. I knew I was leaving you short-handed and technically without a leader, and I’d be angry if I were on the receiving end of that. But I never really realized that me leaving could hurt your heart. Just the thought of you leaving used to make me sweaty and nauseous, but I never in a million years thought you might feel that way about me too. I fucking hate New Jersey with a passion because you’re still so tied to it and I fucking hate Rachel because she had the power to take you away at any time. The thought of you leaving me, whether you went back to Jersey or died or just retired without me, was so horrible. I couldn’t think of anything worse, and I took off so I’d never have to see it. I abandoned you, or I was going to at least, because I wanted to beat you to the punch. My head was so fucked. It still is._

Danny had to agree. And he still wasn’t sure it hadn’t ruined everything. Danny knew how he felt, but his emotions were only part of it. He had to use his head too, and even now, his head was telling him that staying close to Steve, even as a friend, was not going to be good for him. And that was without taking the kids into consideration. He’d never been so confused and uncertain in his life. It did his ego a little bit of good to hear that Steve never liked Rachel though. It was good to know he wasn’t the only one who’d been jealous. 

> _I don’t want it to sound like I’m making excuses. I’m not. I just want to explain this to you. I’ve spent a month, a really shitty month, just getting to the point where I understand it a little myself and that’s on me. No matter what my parents did or the Navy did or Joe or whoever, I never should’ve let myself get to this point. I decided to run away because that’s the only decision I saw. I would’ve figured out something better if I’d gotten help, I know I would’ve, but I didn’t even want to acknowledge that I needed help. A lot of that is just pure arrogance. How I manage to be arrogant and still have a low self-worth is ridiculous. I’m working on it._

Steve McGarrett is arrogant? Danny rolled his eyes. Fucking duh.

> _My therapist keeps asking me what I want out of this, what I want my life to look like once I’m out. Deep down what I want is to go back to the day I got out of prison and tell you that I love you. I want to go back and build a family with you Grace and Charlie and have a happy life chasing criminals and making the world a better place. I know I can’t do that, and I don’t know if it ever could’ve panned out like that anyway, but sometimes I’d see it in my head and fantasize about it and then get so angry. I was angry at you for not letting me have it, even though I knew then that’s stupid and childish, and angry at myself for getting torn up over something impossible. I hated myself for wanting it. I never even stopped to think that you maybe wanted it too._
> 
> _I never looked close enough at you, Danny. You told me something like that once. Back at the house, I said that you’re all I can see sometimes, but now I get that I never paid you enough attention. I was too wrapped up in my own shit. That’s on me too. I got so hung up on not being with you sometimes that there were days it hurt to be near you. I’m sorry. I should’ve figured out some way to be around you without being bitter. I should’ve figured out some way to put some distance between us without being an absolute asshole about it. In 10 years I never managed that, and I never asked anyone for help with it. I kept on doing the same shit over and over even when it didn’t work. I’m a grown-ass man who should’ve known better. So I don’t blame myself for how I felt or even for how I dealt with things when I first got out of the Navy, but at some point in the past freaking decade I should’ve asked for help. You tried to get me to. You tried to get me to take the work therapist seriously. You tried to get me to take the stress counselor seriously. You worried so much about me, and I hated it and craved it. I wouldn’t be here now if I’d just listened. We wouldn’t be here now._

He had to stop for a moment, holding the letter down near his lap as he closed his eyes. Steve had made progress, so much progress. Danny was proud of him, proud _for_ him. If he never saw Steve again in his life, he’d still want him to be happy. Even the anger and aching hadn’t taken that away. Besides, if there ever was to be a chance for the two of them to be happy together, then this had to happen. Danny knew how awful it was to have to really look at yourself, to have to examine yourself. Hell, he was going through it now too. But it was necessary because there was no going forward without it. He bent his head and continued reading.

> _I’m supposed to tell you that you can call the facility and tell them to stop mailing the letters if they bother you. I hope they don’t. I can’t stand not being able to talk to you or text you or whatever. My therapist said it was detrimental to my well-being to be so completely cut off from you, so she’s allowing the letters. They told me that writing shit out can help organize your thoughts. Me and journaling aren’t friends, but I think writing to you might be a good substitute for that. You’ve been my sounding board for a decade, and I’m sorry, but I still need that. You don't have to bother writing back because they won’t let me read any replies, and I get that. I couldn’t handle it if you told me that you hate me now. I couldn’t handle it if you just didn’t reply. I know I’m being selfish again by laying this on you when you can’t even say anything back. I know this is going to be hard on you, but if you still care, maybe it won’t be so bad to hear from me._
> 
> _I know being here isn’t going to work like magic and I know I won’t be “cured” after a few months. I know there’s always going to be work I have to do on myself, and I’m willing to do that. You’re worth it. You’re so worth it. And I’m starting to think I am too._

Jesus Christ, this idiot. His poor heart couldn’t take much more.

> _It makes me sick when I think about how much I’ve fucked up, then and now, but I love you. If you never take anything else away from the time we’ve spent together, just know that. No one will ever love you more, even if there are plenty of people who might love you better. If you can wait for me, if you can ever forgive me, I can love you better too. I love you and I miss you. I don’t know how I ever thought I could live without you. I love you._
> 
> _Steve_
> 
> _P.S. Sorry about the marker. They’re not cool about letting people with PTSD be around a lot of sharp objects right at first. I chose the purple because it made me think of Gracie. I like it._

Danny flopped onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. He was so sick of crying, but what else was he supposed to do? What the fuck else was he supposed to do? He sort of drifted, his mind unable to settle, glancing every so often at the letter and thinking about what it could mean. He didn’t know how long he lay there like that before he heard a quiet tap on the door. As he was sitting up, the door opened a crack and the light from the hallway blinded him. He didn’t need to see to know who was standing there though.

When Grace realized he was awake, she ran to him and practically tackled him. “Hi, Danno! I missed you so much!”

He nearly squeezed the breath out of her as he said, “You’re early, Monkey! I’m so glad you're home.” His voice was thick with God knows what emotions, but Grace just squeezed tighter. It was the best he’d felt in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such a hard time writing this, y'all, and it shows. I kind of hate to even post it, but I don't want to wait too long between installments. I'm just going in circles with it, so up it goes. I tried to write the letter more like I think an actual letter would be rather than something grammatically correct, but IDK how successful I was. I'm also not sure if the formatting is clear. If it's not, just let me know. I cannot express how grateful I am for all the kudos and comments. I forgot what a roller coaster of emotions writing can be, and all the kind encouragement has kept me plugging away at this story when I've wanted to give up. Thank you all!


	11. Chin and Danny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm updating so quickly! Sooo, you're going to be so irritated with Danny in this chapter. I'm totally basing his behavior on how I've seen friends of mine act, so I think there's some veracity to it even though it is beyond frustrating. Just remember that he's in some pretty intensive therapy himself, and he's got a lot of issues that aren't just going to go away in a few weeks. It's a process, y'all.

It'd been days since Danny had gotten Steve’s letter, and he hadn’t spoken about it to any of them yet. Chin hated to force his friend into a conversation neither of them really wanted to have, but he couldn’t let it go any longer. Danny was still so fragile (which was wrong on so many levels), and Chin didn’t want anything to stand in the way of the man’s recovery. Danny still wasn’t much of a morning person though, so he kindly waited until Danny had his coffee and food before he cornered him at the breakfast table. After the last bite of his toast, Danny tossed his napkin onto his plate and made a gimme gesture with his hands. “All right, let’s have it.”

Chin was afraid this was going to be like pulling teeth, especially if Danny was already defensive. He tried not to sound exasperated when he said, “I’m not trying to overstep any boundaries here, but I’m worried. How are you feeling?”

Danny seemed grateful for the concern, but his smile was definitely strained when he tried to laugh the question off. “Christ, not you too. What’re you, my shrink? C’mon, don’t ask me that.” When Chin obviously wasn’t satisfied with that answer, Danny scraped at his bottom lip with his teeth and asked “How am I feeling about the letter, you mean?” Chin didn’t answer but his face must’ve said “duh” very loudly. Danny rubbed his eye with the palm of his hand before answering, “I feel, you know, ambivalent. I feel very ambivalent about it,” he admitted a bit flippantly.

“Did therapy yesterday help any?” Chin wondered.

Danny got up and started fishing through one of the kitchen drawers, ducking his head and trying to act distracted.

“Dannyyy,” Chin sighed, dragging the name out.

Danny shut the drawer firmly, silverware rattling with force of it. “I haven’t told my therapist about it, and I’m not going to,” he growled mulishly.

“What? Why?” Chin asked, truly surprised.

“Uh, maybe because she’s gonna tell me to stop reading them. She’s going to tell me to make them stop sending them. She’s going to tell me that I shouldn’t have to make them stop because it was bullshit that anyone ever let this happen in the first place.” 

Chin was at a loss. “Back up, back up. Sending them? _Them?_ You’re expecting more? He wasn’t supposed to be able to communicate with anybody.”

“He’s not, but they’re making an exception for him, I guess.”

Any other time Steve getting a pass like that would’ve infuriated Danny. Chin could almost hear the epic rant about Steve getting special treatment and thinking the rules don’t apply to him. Thing was, Danny was often right about that. Even knowing that, it still hadn't occurred to him that there might be more than the one letter, and he was very troubled by the prospect of more coming. He was pissed about it actually. Pissed at Steve and at whomever at the treatment center had allowed this. “I guess the rules don’t apply to Steve McGarrett, hmm?”

Finally Danny came back to sit at the table. He slumped in the chair and started picking at some dried jam on the tabletop with a blunt nail. “He said he would be sending more,” he started quietly, “and before you ask, no, I’m not allowed to write back. I think they were afraid he was going to leave if he wasn’t able to talk to me in some way.” And, oh, Chin could see it. He knew Danny too well not to see that he was ever so slightly pleased at that thought. Goddammit. 

He’d been afraid of this because God knew that Steve wasn’t the only one with problems. The two men were seriously codependent, and Chin had hoped that Steve’s enforced isolation would be a good step toward ending some of that. They needed to break free from each other’s orbit and learn to be in their own space before they could ever be happy together, and Chin had no illusions that being together with Steve in some lasting way wasn’t Danny’s end game here. 

For all of the rage and pain, Chin knew Danny would never totally walk away from Steve, not even now. Chin wasn’t sure Steve deserved that kind of loyalty from Danny, and this new stunt wasn’t doing anything to convince him. Steve left with the intention of maybe never coming back, and now he couldn’t bear a few months without talking to Danny? Had he not given any thought to what this might do to the man? Had Steve’s fucking therapist not given that any thought before letting him send that letter? 

“Danny, you have to know that this doesn’t sound healthy. If you can't tell your therapist about it, then it seems like you would know it's a bad idea.”

“I know. I fucking know, okay?” Danny acknowledged.

“If you know, then why are you so hellbent on doing it? You’re going to therapy and putting in all of this work, and you’re willing to ignore all of that just to be Steve’s pen pal?”

“Pen pal?” Danny scoffed. “Man, that’s not what it is.”

Chin raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Okay, then what is it? Explain it to me.” 

Danny kept his face turned away, staring out of the window over the counter. Eventually, he sighed all the way from his soul. “I don’t want to explain it because you’re right. It’s bullshit that he unloaded that on me, and it’s bullshit that part of me is so glad that he did. I look back and think of all the ways he’s belittled or ignored me, and I don’t know what to do with it.” He stopped abruptly and shook his head. “I love him, Chin, I love him so fucking much, and he’s done so much for me. I’d’ve had to follow Grace to Vegas years ago if Steve hadn’t stepped in, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. He saved me, you know?”

“So that means he gets to treat you like shit?” Chin asked pointedly.

“No, of course not. I know he hasn’t done right by me. I know he’s hurt me. God, Chin, I’m still hurting now, so fucking much, but I also know that I want to forgive him for it. Right now, I don’t know if I ever can, but I want to. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s a slap in the face to you and Mary when you dropped everything to help me and I’m here telling you that I can’t just tell Steve to fuck off forever.”

“No, don’t do that. You don’t owe me or Mary anything, okay? We came here out of love, not out of obligation. That’s family, right? And, Danny, as soon as I saw Steve standing in that driveway, I knew you two weren’t done with each other.”

Danny seemed relieved to hear that even as he admitted, “Maybe I should. Shit, half the time I wish he’d just stayed gone on his stupid _quest for peace_ or whatever,” he confessed. “But then I remember that he’s not alone in this. We’ve both made some horrible mistakes since we’ve known each other. I haven’t been a saint either, y’know?”

Danny was a small man, but it was rare for him to actually _look_ small. Right then he did, and it made Chin ache with how wrong it was. “I know you haven’t been a saint, but the things you’ve done, they maybe don’t rise to the same level.”

“How do you mean?” Danny asked, looking genuinely puzzled.

Chin took a moment to respond. “Well,” he drawled, “I mean, the worst thing you ever did was poke and prod at him. You have a smart mouth and you never let shit go, but what is that in the long run? Especially when all the name-calling and the irritation came from love. It was always obvious that’s where it came from, love for Grace or Steve or any of the rest of us. Hell, love for the people you took an oath to protect. You can be a pessimistic ass, but don’t pretend that’s anything like what Steve’s done over the years. You know it’s not.”

Danny took that in, and Chin could see his face tighten in annoyance. “You know what? I have a question. If everyone else could see all of this, why did none of you ever say anything. Why did everyone always act like Steve could do no wrong and I was just a fucking chihuahua nipping at his heels? Why did you all just go along with whatever dumbass thing he said or did? The most I ever got out of you guys even when he was at his craziest was a shrug and a shake of the head.” 

They were valid questions, and ones Chin really didn’t want to face. There was no avoiding it though. With a sigh he asked, “You mean why didn’t we support you? That’s what it boils down to, yeah?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Danny answered, doing his best not to sound wounded. “Why did you always take his side?”

“I don’t know,” Chin replied, looking at the table so he didn’t have to look Danny in the eye. “I know that’s not what you want to hear.” He stopped to sigh again. “A lot of it was gratitude. It was for me at least. Part of it was that I respected his military history, his command experience, the fact that he was a McGarrett. Part of it was I enjoyed the rush. We all enjoyed the excitement of the job.”

Danny chewed on that for a few minutes, nodding slowly. “Okay, I guess. But like, after the transplant —”

“Why were we such assholes?” Chin interrupted. Danny nodded slowly, probably afraid of the answer but needing to hear it. “I don’t know that either. I can’t speak for the others, but I didn’t realize until afterward how you must’ve felt. And when I did realize, I never had the balls to apologize for it. I’m sorry.” 

Danny cleared his throat and made a stopping motion with his hand. “No, no. C’mon, you don’t have to apologize, I just wondered.” He was trying to put a stop to an uncomfortable conversation, but they had to address this. It was long past due.

“You just wondered. Maybe just wondered what it is about you that made us do that?” Chin asked.

Danny shrugged, visibly trying not to cringe.

Chin didn’t want to say what he needed to say, but he had to. He owed this to Danny. “Nothing,” he assured. “There’s nothing about you that made me behave that way. There’s nothing about you that made me go along with Steve even when I knew he was being reckless or arrogant or stupid. That was about me. Those were my issues, not yours. You were the tall poppy, Danny, and I was too weak to stand up next to you when I should have. It was just easier to act like you were being ridiculous or overly negative.” Looking back, he thought of his time at Five-0 as incredibly rewarding. He’d helped the islands and he’d found a family, but he’d also endured so much tragedy during that time too. For all that he appeared calm, he got as overwhelmed as the next person sometimes, and when he felt that way, he had a tendency to take the easy way out. The easy way out rarely worked for long, and it’d left a good man like Danny feeling like he was the odd man out. Feeling like he didn’t count. 

Chin had done good things back then, of course. It wasn’t like he was a horrible person, and he and Danny had always been good friends. But he’d made some very hurtful mistakes too. He could tell that Danny wanted to forgive him for all of those, he just didn’t know if Chin thought he’d done something to forgive. Danny just wanted to know why it had been easy to hurt him, and Chin wished he could give him a better answer. “I have nothing to say other than I’m sorry. I was very wrong, and I was wrong not to apologize before now.”

“No, man, I told you I’m not looking for apologies —”

“You should be. And not just from me, Danny.” He wasn’t trying to deflect, he honestly wasn’t, but he needed Danny to see that it was okay to call _all_ of them out for how they’d treated him.

“Chin, I swear to you, I don’t need an apology. You’ve been a good friend. You’re my brother, man. I couldn’t ask for more.” Danny looked so earnest, and he clearly meant every word.

Any more of this, and Chin was going to cry. They both were probably, and then they’d never get back to the topic of the letters. Trying to guide the conversation back on track, he responded, “Sure you could, and, again, you should. Have you talked a lot about the team with your therapist?”

Danny laughed one of his “Can you believe this guy?” laughs. Chin had missed it a lot. “No, okay. Hand to God,” the detective answered, “we haven’t gotten there yet. I’ve been so fucked up for so long, we’re still working on shit I’ve got left over from Jersey and Rachel. She got me past the initial ‘crisis’ with Steve, but she said we needed to go back to figure out how I got to where I am now.”

“Is she wrong?” Chin pressed.

“No, she’s not. And I trust her, I do. I just don’t want to tell her about the letters. Call it codependence or stupidity or being a glutton for punishment, whatever, I still want to read them. I miss him, Chin. I miss him a lot even though I hate it. I hate myself for it.” Danny’s voice had gotten quieter and tighter as he admitted that. It was so frustrating.

“But Danny, don’t you see that that’s a very good reason not to read them?” Chin asked insistently. “Steve’s on another island and you haven’t seen him in weeks. You can’t even talk to each other, and he’s still managed to make you feel like shit. How can that be good for you?”

“It isn’t, okay!” Danny suddenly shouted before reining himself in. “It isn’t,” he continued. “You’ve gone through all of this trouble to help me, and I’m being so ungrateful. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. You’ve done all of this to get me to a better place, and I’m sabotaging that. I’m sorry.” He looked miserable. Chin very much wanted to punch Steve McGarrett in the mouth.

“Danny, stop. Look, there was a time that nothing that Malia could’ve done to me would’ve made me love her less. I get it. It’s not healthy, but it’s not always something you can set aside either. Can I ask you one question though?”

“Of course,” Danny said.

He was careful to hold Danny’s gaze. “Did he apologize?” Chin saw how the question had caught the other man off guard. He also saw doubt slowly creeping in.

“Yeah. I mean… the whole letter was very apologetic. Why?"

"Just curious. Apologies were never Steve's strong point. If he bothered saying anything it was usually to justify whatever it was he’d done." Chin really wasn't being subtle at all, but he had to make his point.

Danny blinked several times before he replied. "To be honest, there was maybe some of that. He laid out a lot of his reasons for some things that have happened. I’m amazed he managed that much introspection, but yeah, a lot of it was explaining himself. I don’t know that I’d call them excuses...” he trailed off. Chin could see the wheels turning, so he let Danny take his time. After several minutes, Danny roughly dragged his hands through his hair. “Fuck. Fuck!” he hissed. “What the hell is wrong with me? I’m doing the same thing I always do, huh? Just taking what I can get. Fuck me to tears.” For just a moment, he looked completely hopeless. 

“You have the right to ask for more. You have the right to demand what you need and what you want."

"What I want? What I want?!" Danny hit the table with his fist. “I want is for him to beg me for forgiveness. I want him to put me first for once, dammit. Not Doris or Joe or Catherine or goddamn Five-0, but _me_. I know he loves me, and he’s my friend, but I want to be first in his life. I don’t think I can settle for anything less.” He nodded as he added, “I _shouldn't_ settle for anything less.”

Chin smiled softly in understanding. “And if you ever want to have any kind of romantic relationship with him, that’s what has to happen,” he agreed.

“So what do I do?” Danny asked, sounding so lost.

“I don’t know,” Chin admitted. “If only there were some sort of trained professional you could visit to help you make decisions like this,” he added, voice dry as the desert.

“Ha fuckin’ ha.” Danny did not look impressed with the sarcasm.

“Well, I think if you insist on reading the letters, it’s only fair that you get to say your piece too,” Chin suggested.

“And how the hell am I supposed to do that?”

“Well, you could write him back even if you don’t send the letters.”

Danny wrinkled his nose. “That’s a little too Emily Bronte for me.”

Chin chuckled at that before proposing, “Then email maybe?”

“They won’t let him receive mail, Chin, there’s no way he has access to a computer. Besides, he never checks his fucking email.”

That was very true. “Hell, you can always text him. When he gets his phone back in a couple months, the messages will be there.”

Danny nodded. Steve would get slammed with who knew how many messages, but they would get to him once he turned his phone on. 

“That might… yeah, that might actually work,” Danny mumbled.

Chin grinned as he asked, “Hey, how exactly is that any less ‘Bronte’ than just writing him letters?”

Danny rolled his eyes. “I don’t know, smartass. The technology, I guess. I’ve written maybe three letters in my life that weren’t work related, but I’ve sent about a million texts. Besides, I’ll be able to say shit when I think of it. I’m a talker, man, but I’m not always the best at organizing my thoughts.”

Chin couldn’t argue with that, but, even though he’d been the one to suggest it, he still thought it was a bad idea. “I still think this is a bad idea.”

“I do too,” Danny granted.

“But you’re doing it anyway.”

“I’m doing it anyway.”

“And you call Steve reckless,” Chin admonished.

Danny looked up at him, startled. “It worked for him most of the time.”

Chin wanted to smack the back of his head, and he suddenly understood every one of Danny's rants at Steve. “Dammit, most of the time means there were times when it _didn’t_ work. When it didn’t work it usually blew up in our face in epic proportions, like lose a piece of your liver proportions. You prepared for that?”

“I honestly don't know, but I gotta finish this one way or another, man. I’m never going to be able to just wash my hands of him. Not with the way things stand right now.” He looked and sounded raw.

Chin sighed. “I guess it’s always possible that this might work for the two of you. You can lay out what you’re thinking without having an actual argument about it. You’ll have time to think about what you say before you say it.” He saw Danny start to open his mouth, so he quickly added, “That’s not just aimed at you. Steve can be cool under pressure, but he got nasty with you during some of those arguments. And that’s just with the ones I witnessed. I’m sure I never heard the worst of it.”

“You never heard the worst of it from me either though,” Danny reminded him.

“Did he deserve what you said?” Chin fired back. “I know you want to acknowledge your part in this mess, but you know there’s no comparison here. There’s nothing you’ve ever done that rises to some of the shit Steve pulled with you. Not just this last stunt. Tell me you understand that.”

“I do,” Danny said, trying to sound convinced. "I just know that with Rachel, it took me a long time to admit my part in it. I let myself be a victim for so long, and that hurt whatever relationship we had and whatever relationship we could’ve had.”

“You’re right,” Chin acknowledged, “you’re not perfect, and you have your own mistakes to rectify. That doesn’t mean that what he did was okay or that you deserved the way he treated you.”

“I know, I know. You and my therapist get together and compare notes or something?” Danny quipped, trying to smile.

Chin smiled back with frustrated affection. “Nah. We both want to see you get better, that’s all.”

Nodding, Danny gazed back at him with big, sad eyes. “Look, I love you for this. You’ve been the best friend I could ever dream of, truly. And trust me, I’m still so angry and hurt that I don’t know how I haven’t crawled out of my skin with it. I know I don’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me sometimes, and I’m still unraveling all of that. But no matter what, me and him, we gotta hash this out, and right now, this is the only way we can do that." He pressed his lips together and sniffed a few times "I want a life with him" he said in a thick voice. "I want him to get better and make this right, make me not so angry and hurt. I want him to earn my forgiveness. I want him to deserve me.”

Chin wanted that too. He desperately wanted both men to find a way to happiness. Regardless, he couldn’t help adding, “I still think you should tell your therapist about this though.”

Danny just laughed. “I agree.”

“But you won’t, will you?” Danny shook his head, just like Chin knew he would. “You’re a stubborn asshole, Williams.”

“I agree,” he said, laughing harder.

“I love you anyway.” And he did. He was lucky to have Danny for a brother.

The other man looked genuinely touched. “Love you, too, man.” Danny got up and walked toward the door, knocking on the other end of the tabletop as he passed. He paused in the doorway and turned around. “Tell you what, that toast I just ate was not enough for a growing boy.” When Chin grinned, Danny held up his finger. “No short jokes from the peanut gallery, okay? Let’s grab Mary and the kids and go to Rainbow, huh?”

That sounded good to Chin. “Let’s go, brah. A fun family outing for the Kelly/Williams/McGarrett clan,” he joked, laughing fondly at their hodgepodge family. Their ohana.

“Yeah, a family outing. Family sounds real good right about now. Real good.”

Later that evening, after all the kids were down for the night, Danny pulled his phone out of his pocket and settled on the edge of the bed. He had no idea how long he sat there staring at the black screen before he muttered, “Fuck it.” 

**Tuesday 9:31 pm**  
_You son of a bitch. You’re using me and expecting me to be okay with it_

_and making me hate myself because I don’t hate you_

_I’m glad you’re starting to understand your rack of issues but where the fuck does that leave me_

_everything is always about you and I can’t handle that anymore_

_Fuck you for all of this_

He looked down at the final message he’d typed: _I still love you though_. His thumb hovered over the send button for several moments before he shook his head and deleted it. They were Danny’s words to give, and Steve hadn't earned back a right to them. Not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haaated writing this, but I think it had to be done. All I can say is people in love do dumb shit and put up with things they shouldn't. Danny put up with years and years of crap from Rachel and Steve both, so I feel like Danny has a lot of issues with taking too much blame and granting forgiveness too easily. He gets better, I promise. As always, thank you so much for your kudos and comments. Some of the comments from you guys have helped this story be much better than it would've been otherwise, and I am so appreciative. I love you all!


	12. Steve and Danny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys communicate without actually communicating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter. As always, thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments. i'm in a bit of a rut at the moment, and any encouragement is super helpful. Thanks for reading!

> _Dear Danny,_
> 
> _I love you. Today was slow. You’d love it because they all keep telling me to relax. I can swim, I can jog, and there's a gym for me to lift weights. They don’t seem to understand that that’s how I relax. They want me to paint or knit or something stupid instead. They’re settling for me writing to you and working in the garden. I keep waiting to feel like I did when I was in jail. It’s actually a lot more like being on base somewhere. Like a really nice base with a bunch of messed up people, but it’s ok. I miss the kids. I bet Grace is home by now. I hope you’re getting to spend a lot of time with her. She probably missed her Danno like crazy. I do too._
> 
> _We’ve been working more on my abandonment issues this week. They’re pretty basic. I guess that’s not quite right. I think I mean obvious because what happened with Doris and Dad wasn’t really run of the mill. When I first started talking about it, I don’t think the doc believed me. One of the ladies in group said it sounded like something from One Life to Live. My mom used to watch that every day. She loved soap operas. I’m seriously wondering if that’s where she got the idea from. I guess that was as close to some excitement as she could get then. I never could get her to tell me exactly what she did while she was playing dead. I’m not sure I want to know because I think she probably enjoyed those years. That hurts._
> 
> _I wonder if that’s what I would’ve been like as a father. I can’t sit still either. I’ve always got to be moving and I got that from her. I don’t want to think I’d be that bad, but I’ve done all kinds of things that I didn’t think I’d ever do. How can I wish she’d really died in 92 and wish she was still alive at the same time? In my head there’s a disconnect between Doris and Mom. I miss Mom. She did die in 92, I guess. Madeleine (she’s my therapist) says that I never really got to grieve back then so it’s like I’m grieving for two mothers now. It really sucks._
> 
> _I hate not knowing how you are. I really do think about you all the time. It hurts because I know you’re so disgusted with me, but it’s also good because it’s what keeps me going. I’m not doing this just for you, but the thing I hope for the most is that if I get better you’ll let me back into your life. I haven’t been a big part of your life for the past couple of years. I’m not sure why but hopefully Madeleine will help me figure it out._
> 
> _I worry about your lungs a lot. I know that probably pisses you off because how could I be worried and take off like I did at the same time? I honestly don’t know, but leaving was never going to keep me from worrying about you. I’ve always worried about you. I’m sorry I’m not there. I should be. You should’ve been able to count on me to help you. You wouldn’t have left me like I did you. It never would've entered your mind. You’re a good man. I took advantage of that too often. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again._
> 
> _Give Eddie a kiss for me._
> 
> _I love you._
> 
> _Steve_

**Thursday 12:14 pm**

**It’s okay to stop sometimes. It won’t kill you to try something that doesn’t involve weapons or sports.**

**I don’t know how shitty things have to get before you’ll get it through your head that whatever you’ve been doing to cope isn’t working.**

**If they tell you to try these things then try them.**

**You don’t get how lucky you are. There’s all kinds of people who’d love getting treatment there. Don’t be a putz.**

**You may do bad things but you’re not bad. I think Doris was. I don’t think you’d leave your kids if you were a dad.**

**Even if I feel abandoned I don’t think you’d do that.**

**My lungs are better.**

**No I never would’ve left you. Grace is home. Eddie misses you**

\--------------------------

> _Dear Danny,_
> 
> _I love you. Today was a long day. I had to talk about Freddie and it was hard. I miss him. You know I’ve always thought it was my fault he died. I couldn’t share details, but I even talked about it in group. PTSD group. I think most of them understood how guilty I feel about it but one lady said that maybe it was self-centered of me to feel so guilty. The pain I felt since he died has mostly been guilt. He deserved to be honored better than that I think. Maybe that was easier than dealing with how much it hurt that he was gone. I’ve never told anyone this before but I was so mad at him for making me leave. I was mad because it made me feel guilty and weak even though it was the right thing to do. Everything he went through, and I made his death about my issues. I can’t even grieve right._
> 
> _I miss you. I miss the kids. They probably hate me for leaving like I did. I guess Charlie and Joanie don’t understand what happened really, but Grace does. She probably hates my guts now. She has every right to. I hope she can forgive me one day. I’ll do whatever she needs me to do for that to happen. I would’ve missed so much with her and Charlie just because I was chickenshit. I’m still missing a lot right now because they’re out of school. I wanted to teach Charlie to paddleboard. How the fuck did I think I was going to do that a world away? I love them, but I was careless. I hurt Grace a lot and I can’t stand it. There’s no excuse. The kids are precious and I should’ve treated them like they’re precious. I’m so sorry._
> 
> _I hope Chin is doing ok. I don’t even know if he’s still there or back in San Francisco. It’s hard to leave the islands. I missed them so much after Dad sent us away. The last ten years have been hard, but I know now that I am tied to this place. I never could’ve left for good. I wish I could’ve made it clear to you that I never meant to leave forever, but I didn’t understand it myself. I think it would’ve hurt you less if I could’ve told you that. I hurt you too much, Danny. Sorry doesn’t cover it. I won’t let that happen anymore if you let me into your life again. I had my priorities screwed up. I’ll put you and the kids first in everything. I mean it._
> 
> _I’m going to turn in now. I’m taking some meds to help me sleep. They’re pretty good and I don’t feel like shit the next day. I hate taking them even though they work. I’m working on that too. I’ve got to learn to take help when I need it. I bet you’re wondering if my therapist is a miracle worker. She’s not, but I like her anyway. I’m giving this my all, Danny, I promise._
> 
> _I’m sorry I’m not there for you. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I miss you. I love you._
> 
> _Steve_

**Saturday 8:07 pm**

**There’s no right way to grieve dumbass**

**You were taught that grief made you weak and guilt is easier to admit to. That wasn’t fair to you**

**That lady maybe had a point but making you feel guilty for feeling guilty isn’t helpful. It might be self-centered in someone else but you just don’t know any better.**

**I hope you ignored whatever she said.**

**If your therapist is able to get anything through your hard head they should give her a nobel prize.**

**8:16 pm**

**I was officially done with five0 yesterday. It’s good but it’s weird.**

**I’m a little scared tbh.**

**I got a new job though. It sounds perfect so I keep thinking something is going to happen to ruin it.**

**I know you all think I’m so pessimistic and I’m a downer but when you get hurt and disappointed so much it just seems like being realistic.**

**My therapist says it’s a natural reaction to repeated trauma. I always felt like something was wrong with me when I couldn’t bounce back from shit like you.**

**I don’t think you really bounced back either. You never moved on from shit you just ignored it.**

**I’m working on managing my expectations and disappointment. You’re not the only one trying to get better.**

**8:31 pm**

**You won’t see this for months but it bothers me that you haven’t mentioned Mary. I know you love her but it’s weird you're thinking about Chin and the kids but not your sister.**

**Can’t imagine you’ve just dismissed her but what do I know anyway?**

**This time lag is weird. Texting like this will have to do though.**

**It took me and my stupid thumbs like twenty minutes to write all this but it was a good idea. I need you to see my life now**

**I want you to turn on your phone when you get out and see that I’m making it without you.**

**Not so you’ll feel like shit but so you’ll see things are different. For both of us.**

**Okay maybe a little so you’ll feel like shit.**

**Grace doesn’t hate you. Her heart is broken. I hope you can fix it when you come home.**

**\--------------------------------**

Danny set his phone down on his nightstand and turned off the lamp. He was tired from a busy day with the family. They’d gone to the beach, and it was an almost perfect day. Grace and Chin spent most of their time in the water helping Mary relearn how to surf. He had babysitting duty, which was truly his favorite thing. The kids were still young enough that they were satisfied building sandcastles and splashing around in the shallows. Sitting under an umbrella with his legs buried in sand watching his family laugh and play in the sun? There was nothing more incredible. He kept waiting to feel like something was missing because Steve wasn’t there, but he never did. He would’ve loved it if Steve could’ve been there, but his absence didn’t cast a pall over everything. Too much of his life had revolved around Steve, had depended on Steve, for way too long.

His therapist kept telling him that he had to learn the difference between need and want. Did he _need_ Steve? Not really. The last weeks had proved that. No matter how much space Steve took up in his mind or heart, Danny knew he could live without Steve. No matter how much support he needed from his ohana, he could function without Steve. Did it hurt? Fuck yes. Was it freaking hard? Double yes. He could do it though; he was doing it. But that didn’t mean he didn’t _want_ Steve because, dear God, did he want him. He’d wanted Steve to want him back for so long, but now that it was clear that he did, everything was fucked.

It seemed though, and he was almost scared to think it for fear of jinxing it, that there was a real chance they might be able to unfuck it. If they couldn’t, then that was the end of it for him and Steve. Not even their friendship could survive. Steve needed to earn forgiveness, and Danny needed to figure out a way to forgive. Crazily enough, he felt like they were both on the right path to that. He closed his eyes, and by some miracle, managed to fall asleep almost immediately. He could breathe a little bit easier now. He’d earned his rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the punctuation in the letters and texts is iffy. I think it's closer to how someone would punctuate a personal letter in real life. Also, I think Danny is an age where he would use full sentences with periods when he texts. That's a head canon for me, so have some grumpy old man texts. (Even though he's not actually anywhere near old.)


	13. Danny and Grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God. I just want to tell all of you that you're amazing for sticking with me on this story. Also, guys, I'm having a bit of a dilemma about how much sexual content this story is going to have. Would you guys be okay with more explicit stuff? I touch upon their UST in this chapter, but I don't know if smut would really jive with the tone of the story. Anyway, please let me know what y'all think about that. As always, I'm so grateful for every comment and kudo. I love you all!

On a sunny Monday nearly seven weeks after Steve’s exodus that wasn’t, Danny stood in the foyer sorting the mail. He noticed Grace eyeing the letter in his hand and could tell she was gearing up to finally talk to him about it, about the whole mess. He’d been dreading the conversation that was about to happen because he frankly didn’t know what to tell her. It’s not like he could explain it to her the way he’d explained it to Chin. “Hey, Gracie! I’m an idiot stuck in a codependent relationship with a man who takes me for granted. I still want to be with him though. Daddy’s so silly!” When he thought about it like that, he could never expect her to be okay with it. He wasn’t okay with it.

Well, he could be dumb and neurotic, but never let it be said that Danny Williams was a coward. Besides, his girl had been exceptionally patient with him. He maybe owed it to her to reach out himself. So, taking the bull by the horns, he grinned at her and tossed out, “Hey, Monkey. Howzit?”

Her smile was genuine when she heard one of his few concessions to pidgin. Normally she would’ve started answering him back in some deliberately indecipherable way just to rile him, but not today.

When she failed to reply, he reached out and squeezed her arm. “C’mon, baby, talk to me. We can’t keep ignoring what’s going on. It’s not fair to you. I hate to see this making you sad over your break.” He really did. He wanted this summer to be a bubble for him and his kids. No work, no school, almost no Rachel (who was taking the opportunity to visit family back in the UK), with free rein over a mansion in paradise. The last thing she deserved was to have to worry about his relationship drama when she was already having to worry about his injuries. She’d been through so much already.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her out onto the terrace. Sitting down on one of the benches out on the terrace, he patted the seat next to him in invitation. She walked over, dragging her feet just a bit, before plopping down and leaning her head over onto her dad’s shoulder.

They sat like that awhile, enjoying the closeness after months apart. Finally, in a defeated sounding voice, she asked, “Are you going to take him back, Danno?”

He would’ve loved to have acted like he didn’t know who she was talking about or that he had no idea what she meant, but that wouldn’t have been fair to her. If nothing else, she deserved his honesty. She’d been so hurt by this too, and they were both wrestling with that on top of the anger each felt for the other. She was fiercely protective of her dad, and it made his heart sing most of the time. Today, he wished he could relieve her of that burden. He couldn’t of course, but he could respect that loyalty enough to tell her everything.

“I don’t know.” He felt her stir, so he quickly added, “That’s the truth, Gracie. I honestly don’t know.”

“But you’re pretty sure, aren’t you? You’re going to let him get away with all of this because he finally got some therapy?” She sounded as pissy and disdainful as her mother ever had.

He understood her frustration; God, did he ever. Still. “You know it’s not quite that simple. I don’t know how… I don’t know how to explain this to you. It’s not just, uhm, it’s not just finding the words. I still don’t know how I feel or what I think sometimes. I’m still a little lost, baby. More than a little.”

She pondered that for a few minutes before quietly saying, “He hurt me, and he hurt Charlie. I don’t—” She stopped abruptly, biting her lip and trying to decide if she really wanted to say what she was about to say. She sat up but bent her head to stare at her hands. “I don’t know how you can want him back when he hurt us so much. I got it with Mom, you know? You kept thinking it was a way to make us all a family again. It sucked, but I got it. But how can you want to be with someone who was going to leave us? Who did leave us, even if he came right back. He hurt me a lot, and I don’t understand how you can still want him around after he did that.”

And oh, wasn’t that a blow to his heart that he hadn’t expected? He figured he was going to get a lecture on self-esteem and asserting his self-worth and moving on from toxic friendships. This was worse. So, so, so much worse. Mostly because he didn’t have an answer for her.

Before he could completely wrap his head around her words, she added, “I know you love him. I think you’re in love with him. And if it was just me, I’d probably get over it. If you wanted to take him back and try to be with him, I’d handle it. But it’s not just me now because Charlie loves him too. Charlie adores him. And what’s gonna happen when he needs to run away again, Danno? What’s going to happen to Charlie? What’s going to happen to you?”

It was a lot of words that boiled down to one thing. “You don’t trust him.”

“No,” she shouted, like the word had been building up inside of her for a long time. “No, I don’t, and I don’t think you should either. You deserve someone that you don’t have to worry about them leaving. Me and Charlie do too, but I don’t really think we can depend on him anymore. That’s probably not his fault or whatever, but I don’t care.” She was breathing quickly and on the verge of tears, and Danny hated it. Hated the situation, hated Wo Fat, hated Doris, hated Steve, and he hated himself.

“You’re right. I, ah, I guess I thought that… I don’t know what the fuck I thought," he murmured with painful honesty.

She startled a little at the profanity. She knew her dad had a mouth on him, but he’d always been so careful about it in front of her. He always took such care with every aspect of her, which was one reason why she was so confused right then.

He groaned just a bit and scrubbed his face with his hands. “I’ve been angry at him for leaving you guys too, I promise. I’m so angry that there aren’t words for it sometimes. And I know he broke your heart, and I know Charlie’s would be broken too if he understood what’d happened.” His mouth opened to go on, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say. How could he explain that he still loved the man regardless and that he probably always would? How could he assure her that if Steve came back into the fold that the man would never leave again, especially when he wasn’t sure of it himself? Maybe, he suddenly thought, maybe what she needed to hear is that he had doubts too.

He took a deep breath to prepare himself for what he was about to say. “I love him, Grace. I love him so much. You know that. You know I’m in love with him.” He surprised her with that. She whipped around to look at him with big, solemn eyes that were filled with sorrow at his pain and pride for what he’d just admitted. His voice was trembling, but he kept going. “Does a part of me hate him too? Absolutely. Does a part of me feel like my life will never be right if he’s not in it? Absolutely. You’re seeing the fractures, baby. My life is messy. I make bad decisions. I do have self-worth issues. All of that. And you’re seeing them in Steve too. We’ve been through some shit, and we’ve both been stupid about how we’ve handled it, so here we are.”

She shook her head and grabbed his hand. “I know you’re not perfect, but can’t you see that you’re good? You’re so good, and you need another good person. Do you think he can be that?”

And wasn’t that the crux of it. Fuck. He gave her the only answer he had, “I don’t know. I want him to be though. I really want him to be. I want him to be good for you and Charlie too, baby. I didn’t realize just how hurt you are. I knew you were hurt, but I guess I thought you were just mostly hurt on my account.” She ducked her head again, hiding her face behind her hair. He tucked one long strand behind her ear and quietly said, “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah,” she sniffed.

“How bad is it, baby? Forget about me and what he did to me, what about you? I need to know how bad it is.”

She mulled that over for a while. “It’s not good. He was going to leave, and he never bothered to even tell me goodbye. He never called or even texted, and I don’t know if he ever would’ve. I feel…” She bit her bottom lip, just like he always did, and shook her head.

“Like the rug was pulled out from under you?” he suggested.

She shrugged. “I guess, yeah. I mean, I left too, kind of, and I’m not a kid like Charlie. I don’t know that it’s fair to be mad that he took off when I did the same thing.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” he stopped her. What the ever loving fuck? Where the hell did she get this stuff? “The two things are absolutely nothing alike. _Nothing_. You grew up and went to college, baby. That’s how it’s supposed to be. You didn’t abandon me or Charlie or your mom or Steve, okay? I did the same thing, your mom did the same thing, and one day Charlie will too. You’re becoming an adult, and you need the space to do that. Never feel like you did anything but exactly what you were supposed to do. Never.”

She nodded her head, and he gently grabbed her chin to turn her face toward him. When he asked her to look at him, she lifted her gaze and met his eyes, sniffling a bit.

“Tell me you understand that, Grace Williams,” he ordered vehemently. He was so convinced of the truth of what he’d said that earnestness flowed off of him in waves. She wanted to believe him, and she trusted him without reservation. She thought hard for a few minutes then answered, “Okay, Daddy.” He kept looking at her, trying to gauge her sincerity. Whatever he saw must’ve been enough because he let her chin go and put his arm around her instead.

She leaned into his side with a sigh. “Then I guess I feel like he lied to me when he said he loved me and when he said he loved you and Charlie because how could he leave like that if he loved us so much? Like, I know you and mom love me no matter what because you’re my parents and you kind of have to love me, but Steve doesn’t, so I don't know. Kono said one time that Danny talks and Steve acts. He doesn’t say a lot so you have to look at the things he does. He _did_ this, and he can _say_ he’s sorry, but which one should I believe?”

He could only nod his head. She was smart, she was intuitive, and she was from a generation that was much more in tune with their feelings and with dealing with trauma. It would’ve been so much easier if he didn’t agree with her.

“What if he acts sorry?” He felt her shrugging again. “If he comes back, do you think there’s anything he can do to make this up to you?”

“I need him to stick around. If you… if you want him back in our lives, I need to believe he’ll stay here.”

He completely understood, but, “Do you think you’ll ever be able to believe that?”

“I don’t know.”

At least she was honest. He had to be too. With her and with himself.

“If I ever let him back in, will you be able to forgive me?”

“What?” She sounded genuinely confused.

“You just said it. How can I want to be with someone who’s hurt my kids like this? But if I do, if I find a way to forgive him, will you ever be okay with it? Will you always see it as me putting someone else above you or me putting myself above you?”

She went quiet and still. It’s how she was when she was really focused on something. He gave her the time, simply hugging her a little more tightly to his side and kissing the top of her head. A few minutes later, she blinked several times and turned her head to bury her face in his neck.

“You don’t understand. I want you to put yourself above us sometimes, Danno. I think you have to once in a while. I just don’t know that being with Steve is really putting yourself first though.” He felt her body tense before asking, “Do you think he’ll really be able to change?”

He’d spent weeks wondering the same thing himself. “I think he’s always been _able_ to, he’s just never seen a reason to. I think he has a reason now. More than one reason. I think,” he said, tapping the unopened letter that lay next to him on the bench, “these are telling me that he’s really trying. And if he keeps trying when he comes back, I want to give him a chance. Yeah, I’ll probably give him a chance.” It was the first time he’d said it out loud. It was the first time he’d even thought it so clearly. He thought there was the possibility for them to get it right, and he couldn't let that go.

He nudged Grace’s head up, then petted her hair as she looked back at him. “You know that in any other circumstance, I’d never be with someone who hurt you and Charlie like he has." She just nodded, and he kissed her forehead. "I picked a hell of a time to be so selfish, huh, Monkey?” He tried to laugh, but it sounded too much like a sob.

“You’re the least selfish person I’ve ever met, Danno. It’s why I worry, you know?”

He did know. “Thank you, Baby.”

She turned toward him and placed his hand between both of her own. “I’m proud of you too. I’m, like, honored you told me how you love Steve. You’re right, I’ve known for a long time, but I know it wasn’t easy to tell me.”

His baby was the kindest, most loving person in the world. To be honest though, he had so much other shit weighing him down that the fact that he’d effectively come out to his children and his ohana in the midst of all this hadn’t been that big of a deal. He’d actually never worried that Grace would have a problem with him being bisexual. Honestly, besides some of his old friends back in Jersey and some special assholes at HPD, he didn’t personally know anybody who would be bothered by his sexual orientation, whatever it may be. For that, he’d be eternally grateful. So few people had friends and family like his. With all of this shit with Steve, he had to be careful not to forget that.

He squeezed Grace’s hand and nudged her with his shoulder. “It was a lot easier knowing how amazing you are. I have never, ever doubted your love for me. You’re a good person too, ya know?”

She nodded her head and opened her mouth to speak right before she saw a beach ball sail through the air and hit her dad right on the back of his head. She got to hear him swear again as they both stood up to see Charlie and Joanie standing frozen on the lawn staring up at them like deer in headlights.

Danny just gave them both an appraising stare before turning to Grace. “Well, you know what this means, don’t you?”

Grace nodded gravely as she lifted her hands and wiggled her fingers. “Tickle monster?”

“Tickle monster,” Danny agreed as she took off down the steps toward the kids.

Both kids took off shrieking as a laughing Grace chased them down. He had good kids and a good family. Maybe Steve would be a part of it again someday. Maybe an even bigger part. Maybe that would be enough to keep him around.

**Monday 10:31 pm**

**I talked to Grace about you today. She knows how I feel about you.**

**She worries.**

**She loves you a whole lot but she’s scared that you’ll hurt us all again. You need her forgiveness too.**

**Maybe more than mine.**

**10:35 pm**

**She needs to be able to trust you. We all do. I want to be able to trust you to stay.**

**We talked about it at therapy today. I’m supposed to make a list of what I need from you to forgive you. A literal list.**

**10:37 pm**

**I hate shit like that. I don't know if she's going to tell me I expect too much or not enough.**

**I’m going to do it though. I need us all to be happy. ALL of us.**

He settled back against his headboard and tore open the letter. Between the conversation with Grace and taking time to spend with his family, thoughts of the letter had been shoved to the side. He should probably have left it for the next day, but the thinness of the envelope told him it was only a short message. That was good. He didn’t think he could handle anymore emotional upheaval right then.

He pulled out the single page and nearly choked on his own tongue when he read the first line. He began coughing so hard that he heard Mary calling his name as she raced down the hall toward his room. He had the wherewithal to shove the letter under his pillow but continued hacking even as Mary grabbed his inhaler from the nightstand drawer and basically shoved it in his mouth. Gracie ran in a moment later with some water, her face pinched with worry. He breathed in his medicine and managed to sip some water. Eventually the coughing tapered off until he was just clearing his throat forcefully, only then noticing Chin standing in the doorway with his phone in his hand, probably ready to call 911 just in case. It warmed Danny’s heart.

After Danny explained that he’d basically choked on his own saliva, he endured the gentle rebukes of _Don’t do that again, Danno._ and _You scared the crap out of me, Danny!_ Finally, everyone wandered back off to bed, and he settled back against a stack of pillows that helped keep him at a good angle for breathing. He closed his eyes and his fingers twitched, and he gave up the fight to leave the letter alone. He dragged it out and unfolded it, letting his fingers follow along the smooth lines of the marker.

> _Dear Danny,_
> 
> _I love you. I had a dream you were fucking me last night. I’ve probably had it a thousand times, but it’s the first time I didn’t wake up angry about it. I used to get so pissed off every time I dreamed it because it made me feel weak and hopeless. I should’ve told you about it years ago. I wish I’d been braver. I don’t know if you ever dream like that about me too, but I need you to know that I love you in every way possible. I need to be very clear about that. You’ve been my fantasy for a long time. I’m so in love with you. I miss you._
> 
> _Steve_

Danny stuck the letter back under his pillow and pulled out his phone.

**11:19 pm**

**You absolute fucker.**

**You can’t just say shit like that in a fucking note.**

**What if I’d been around my kids asshole? Jesus**

He tossed the phone onto the other side of the bed and closed his eyes. Ten minutes later, he was no closer to sleeping. Huffing and agitated, he snatched the phone back up.

**11:31 pm**

**Of course I dream about you jackass.**

**11:35**

**I wish I’d been braver too.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Grace Williams. It's a tragedy we didn't get to see more of her and Charlie, and it's pure crap that they got left out of the finale because it was so rushed. I don't think the Steve we watched for ten seasons would've taken off without a goodbye, but here we are. Lenkov can suck it. Shout out to Sue2556 for suggesting I make the timeline clearer. Thank you!


	14. Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for being so patient with the delay in posting. I've been wrestling with this thing, and this chapter is a little short, but we're very close to having the guys together in the same space again. Thanks to everyone for all the kudos and comments! They feed my soul. :D

There were good days and bad days. Not that that wasn’t true for pretty much everyone, but it felt especially vivid now. The extreme contrast, the highs and lows of those first few weeks, it was hard. He was used to bad days, God knows, but they were somehow worse when there were good days thrown into the mix. It sucked to be hopeful on Tuesday then have that completely dashed because you’d had a shitty time in group therapy on Wednesday. He’d walked into treatment as low as he’d ever felt, floating in the darkness, letting Lou guide him until he had to stand on his own again. His knees almost buckled with the weight of it, but he managed to get through the first day. Then the second, then the third. He managed.

He was afraid Danny had it a lot worse. His friend was injured, going through therapy too, and completely wounded by what Steve had done. It broke his heart every time he thought about it. It made him ashamed. He should be ashamed, even though his therapist kept telling him during his fifth week there that it was counterproductive to focus on the shame. Yes, it was an emotion that helped a person realize they’d maybe (only maybe) done something wrong, but continuing shame after the realization? Continuing it after you made a course correction? Well, what was the point of that? Self-flagellation, he supposed. It was a talent of his. His therapist agreed. 

It was apparently all wrapped up in his belief that he had to be perfect, or so they decided his sixth week there. They were working through his issues with that, but, pretty much like everything else, it boiled down to the Navy and Doris. They’d both expected maximum effort and excellent results, and he’d made it his mission to meet or exceed those expectations. He’d been okay with that for his whole life because he was afraid of what would happen if he wasn’t the best. He got attention when he was the best, from his parents and from his COs. Attention and praise were the closest he ever got to affection for a long time. Then he met Danny.

Danny thought he was ridiculous. He never expected perfection, he didn’t even believe in it. What a waste of effort it was trying for it. What a weary load it was to think it was possible. He’d called Steve a machine and an animal, and they’d both fit. He could be cold and calculating or wild and reckless, whatever it took to get the job done, and no one had ever had any issue with that before Danny. Steve had hated it and loved it in equal measure, especially once his partner became his friend.

It was almost unbelievable to have a friend who wanted to be around him just to be around him, who thought he was excellent at his job even if he was a little crazy, who trusted him regardless of the fact that he made mistakes, who _worried_ about him. Danny was a rescue cushion when Steve fucked up. Danny wouldn’t walk away because he’d done something wrong. He’d rant and rave and call him names, but he wouldn’t walk away (not like Doris had, not like Steve had). Danny wouldn’t stop loving him. He’d had to fight tears of relief more than once just from thinking about it throughout the years. His tendons eased, his neck relaxed, his shoulders dropped. Danny made it better. 

On his worst days, he thought extra hard about Danny. Oh, he thought about him all the time, but on the really bad days, the days where he was a little scared for himself, the days where Freddie and Joe and his mom were scratching at his skin… well, it was more like he meditated, picking his partner up in his mind and pulling him apart to look from every angle. Every speck of him was beautiful, and it could’ve all been Steve’s if he hadn’t been such a dumb fuck. It made him want to scream and break things, so he spent the entire seventh week of treatment working through the worst of his regrets. 

As time carried on, and the good days started to outnumber the bad days, he finally understood that he had to push the past out of the way of his future if he ever wanted to move forward. He’d fucked up, but he had to believe in the life he wanted with Danny. He’d been coasting through the last few years, crashing into one disaster after another, so it had been a while since he’d given real thought to shaping the decades ahead instead of just enduring them. There was no one and there never would be anyone he could see shaping the rest of his life around besides his partner. Who could be better than Danny?

In fact, by his eighth week there, he was almost sick with how much he missed his friend. He turned to talk to him or to look at him a hundred times a day. It had been so long since he’d had to chew on a problem all on his own, and he was out of practice. He needed to hear Danny. He should’ve talked to him more when he had the chance. He should’ve told him everything that was inside his head and in his heart. It was a regret that was still very hard to budge because he knew now that Danny would’ve taken his words and kept them safe, and he would’ve given Steve the words back. Steve would’ve never let them go. He would’ve shot them into his veins and let them heal all the sickness that his mother and Wo Fat and Victor Hesse and fucking Daiyu Mei had infected him with. Danny was an antidote, an antibiotic, and Steve had refused treatment. He was paying for it now. He figured he deserved to have to do this the hard way. He was lucky there was still a way at all. He didn’t feel lucky, but that wasn’t necessary. Danny was necessary.

He had to be careful though to understand that his treatment wasn’t solely about Danny. He couldn’t hang everything on his partner giving him another chance because there was still the possibility that he wouldn’t. Besides, as his therapist had pointed out in week nine, what an ungodly burden that would be on Danny. Steve had to be whole on his own. He couldn’t rely on his friend for this, for both their sakes. He would get fit and strong in mind and body because he owed it to himself. He wanted a life with the man he loved, so he owed it to both of them to work hard, and he really was. He was working so hard.

He felt like some of that work paid off when, way back in week four, his therapist told him he could write to Danny. He’d wanted to whoop and pump his fist, feeling like he’d won the lotto. He could _talk_ to Danno! No, he wouldn’t be getting a reply, but he didn’t need it. He frankly couldn’t handle it because there was a good chance that a reply would be scathing or Danny wouldn’t reply at all. So, he was okay with the restriction as long as he got the chance to connect with Danny in some way. He nearly cried with it the night he got the okay. 

Writing to Danny, he decided, was his chance to start proving himself. He knew it wasn’t exactly fair to lay that on the man when he wouldn’t have his own outlet to respond, but it was necessary, he figured, because he needed Danny to know how hard he was trying. He needed Danny to see him making the effort, to see him finally accepting help. He had to hope that the detective would see the changes that were happening, because they were happening. By week ten, Steve was becoming a better version of himself, and he had to hope that this new better man would have the tools to fix their relationship. 

What was strange though was that, as he wrote each letter to Danny, as time wore on, his hope grew. Logically, there was no real reason to justify the hope. Maybe he was getting back some of his confidence. Maybe he was remembering that, though he could never be perfect, he was still prone to success. He was starting to believe that if he could be with Danny, then he could be _good_ for Danny. It was there, that goodness, and it had been all along, Steve had just never had the skills to access all of it. He was learning those skills now. He was learning to be Danny’s rescue cushion too. 

Danny, he had to admit, had always seen the goodness in him. In week eleven, as he started to trust more in that goodness, he started to see new aspects of Danny’s. The good in the man was a sea that was wider than the whole world, and Steve could see every wave, he could see every blue and green glowing in the sunlight. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, and it gave him hope. He’d always been tied to the sea, and it had cradled and soothed him all of his life. He understood it. So when he looked at the deep, warm ocean of Danny's compassion, he understood it too. He finally knew. He had faith that this sea would pacify him one day. 

If he could prove himself, and he could, he knew that, then Danny would give him another chance. Danno’s heart was too big, his soul was too good not to. Steve owed it to the man to be worthy of that. Danny would say that he always had been, and by week twelve, Steve was starting to agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've seen a lot of Steve's thoughts already about therapy, and more details about it crop up in the rest of the story. I just wanted to get a glimpse of his timeline and get us closer to his release (if that's the right word) from treatment. I want to thank everyone in the H50 writers discord group for their suggestions on handling a long story like this. This story and any future long stories I write will improve because of their help. :D Much love!


	15. Danny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I've struggled with chapter order with this one and the next one. However, what is now the next chapter is the one right before the guys are back in the same room with each other. The climax! (Not that kind. Get your heads out of the gutter. ;D) If I'd put this chapter in between those two, you guys would be pissed. I would be anyway if I were on the other end. Comments and kudos are better than candy! Not all candy, but at least like candy corn or necco wafers. :D

Steve,

I miss you. I’m glad you’re coming home. I’m sending this with Mary so she can give it to you before you get back to Oahu. I suck at this, so I’m just going to say what I’ve got to say. If you want us to move forward with a relationship, then this is where we have to start. This list is my therapist’s idea, which sounded dumb at the time but turned out to be really helpful. Please think hard about all this. What you wanted when you were lonely and struggling might not be what you actually want when you’re home and healthy. Pay attention to what I’m saying, okay? We’re only talking about the rest of our lives here.

I need you to love just me. I’m not talking about the kids or the ohana. Of course I want you to love them, and I swear to God you better not ever put me before my children, Steven. I guess I mean romantically. I won’t go down that road again. I don’t think I’d survive it with you.

I need you to be stable for the kids, mostly Charlie. You’ve been like a second (or third) dad to him. He loves you like one, and I need you to love him and Grace like that too. This is a buy one get two free situation. Grace is angry with you. I won’t sugarcoat it. You have work to do there, but she loves you. Mostly she’s mad because she feels like you betrayed me. I’ve talked to her about it, and I think she’ll come around with time. I need you guys to be good with each other. Charlie thinks you hung the moon. You can’t leave them. Even if you leave me at some point, you can’t leave them. Please.

I need you to talk to me. I think maybe you’re working through that in therapy. Good. I’m not blaming just you for not communicating well for the past few years. A lot of it is on me. I run my mouth all the time but never say the important things. See, I’m more self-aware than everybody thinks. We have to do better. We’d both be in a lot better shape if we’d really talked about the things that mattered.

No running away. You’ve probably figured that out, but I just want to communicate it clearly to you. If you ever leave me again, please know that it’ll be permanent. I put up with you and Rachel jerking me around for a long time, even if you didn’t know you were doing it. It was bad enough with Rachel, but with you, I just can’t do it anymore. I won’t deal with you disappearing because you need to get your head together or you need space. If you’re ever in distress again, we’ll talk to a doctor and figure out how to handle it together. But this taking off whenever you feel like it bullshit? Not ok. This is a big one. This is non-negotiable.

No more taking so many stupid risks. I know you, and I know the job. You enjoy the danger of it. I do understand that. Hell, you know I liked the thrill of it too on a much smaller scale. But whether you go back to Five-0 or do something else, you have to dial some of the crazy back. I’ve been saying that for ten years, and I always meant it, but I mean it even more now. I’m not saying you can’t keep fighting your battles, I’m just saying maybe let someone else be the one to jump on the grenade sometimes. Better yet, figure out a way nobody needs to jump on a grenade at all. You’re capable of that, but it was always easier to do some of your nutso shit instead. You’re not a young man anymore, and you can’t rely on your body like you used to. I get that you hate that so much and that you hate hearing it, but it’s the truth. I also know you’ve always prioritized my safety because of the kids. I need you to understand that you’ve got to prioritize your own safety because of the kids too. And me. You have a family.

I need you to stop pushing me away. It’s as bad as you running away. It makes me feel so alone, and you told me years ago that I’m not so alone here. I’ve got lots of friends now, and I have an ohana that’s mine too. Without you though, nothing feels quite right. It makes me sick admitting that because I worry that you’re going to see this and still cut me out. It was bad enough before you knew I loved you, but if you did it now knowing what it does to me? I don’t know how I’d get past that. I don’t have to be and I don’t want to be in every part of your life. In fact, we both have to stop with the codependence, but there’s a big difference between ignoring me and codependency. No more shutting me out.

I need you to help me. I want to help you too. You’ve been through so much trauma, and I don’t want to take away from that, but I have too. I worry all the time. I have a temper. I feel like I’m worthless more than I’d ever admit to anyone but you. We have to take care of each other emotionally the way we take care of each other with everything else. We know how to watch each other’s back when bullets are flying, but we need to learn how to do it when it’s just a shitty Tuesday. 

I don’t want you to see these as ultimatums. A few of them are non-negotiable, but I still want to discuss them with you. I want to know what you need too so I can give it to you. I want the two of us together to figure out a way to make this work. I don’t give a damn if you call it partners or mates or a team. We have to both be dedicated to this. We’ll never make it otherwise.

There are some other things I want. These aren’t deal breakers, but in the spirit of openness, I can admit that I do want them.

I want you to spend more time with your sister. I know you guys left things on a weird note, but she loves you so much. With Deb gone, you and Joan are her whole heart, or you were anyway. I think the ohana and the kids have a place there now too, but nothing like the place you have. She’s your sister. The good thing about sisters is that they’ll forgive you for almost anything. What happened with me and you, she was upset on my behalf and Grace’s, but she gets it now. We all understood that you were having issues, it’s just that your solution was idiotic. My point is, I see the way she talks about you and about what it was like when you were kids and about all the memories she has that she wishes you’d been a part of. I know you love her so much too. You have a real chance here to heal a lot of things with her and maybe even keep her on the island. I want that for you and her both.

I want you to do something about the house. It’s like the fucking catacombs in there. There’s so much death everywhere, and I don’t think you realize how much it was bothering you. I get that living there made you feel closer to your family at one point, but I don’t believe that’s what it is now. You’ve been stuck, and the house is just a symptom of that. It’s one of the things you were running away from, but it’s a lot easier to maybe paint some walls and buy curtains that aren’t from 1990 than to take off to Mongolia or something. It’s a good house, and it could be a good home again. We can have that if you want to.

I want some of the bickering to stop. Not all of it because it’s kind of our thing, but the nasty type of bickering has to end. I think that a lot of the nastiness was frustration. It was on my end, and I'm sorry. I was disappointed and resentful because I thought you had pushed me aside, and I took that out on you. Maybe you were just responding to my attitude, I don’t know, but you could be a real bastard too. I’m so tired of that. We shouldn’t be hurting each other. I know we’ve always fought like an old married couple, but it used to be like an old married couple that still loved each other. I don’t know when we started arguing for real, but I can’t handle it anymore. I guess what I’m saying is that we should be a little kinder to each other. I want some softness. I think you do too.

I want you to go to Jersey with me. I know it sounds like such a stupid thing that it’s not worth mentioning, but it’s important to me. It’s not home anymore, but it still kind of is. It’ll always be the place I’m from. It’ll always be a part of me, and it’s a big part. In ten years I could never get you to go with me. I know there was more to that than it not being a primo vacation spot. Whatever made you avoid it, I want you to talk to me about it. I think maybe you were afraid I’d go there and stay one day. I wouldn’t have. I never could have unless it was for the kids. I don’t want to live there anymore, but I want you to see it. I guess I want to share that with you, even if that sounds so fucking sappy. You’ve met most of my family, but I want you to see them when we’re all at my ma’s eating dinner on a Sunday afternoon. I also owe it to my folks to let them get to know you better.

I want to have sex with you. See, I can be blunt too. I’ve been with men, but it was a long time ago. I never put a label on it because I fell for Rachel, so it didn’t mean anything. I experimented in college is what it boils down to, but I figured everybody did that, so no big deal. I guess I prefer women, but I’m open to men too. I’ve never felt anything for a man before though, maybe some fondness or gratitude, but never love. I’ve never loved anyone, man or woman, the way I love you. 

I used to think about kissing you and feeling your eyelashes flutter against my skin and pressing my nose just behind your ear so I could smell you. I want you. A lot. I don’t have much experience, and I honestly don’t want to know how much experience you have. Not because I’m particularly possessive, but because I’ve got a crapload of insecurities. It doesn’t matter anyway. Either we figure things out together or you can show me the ropes. I don’t know how long it’ll take us to get there, but I know it’ll be good when we do.

I want you to take better care of yourself. I’m not talking about the crazy shit you do at work because I’ve already told you how I feel about that. I mean the boring stuff. We both need to quit drinking. I know we limit it because of the liver, but we need to stop. Your doctor would kill you if he found out you drank sometimes. We need to quit eating so much takeout too. You have to make sure you don’t ever miss your anti-rejection meds. We have to stay on top of your radiation sickness. All that shit worries me a lot. 

I don’t want us to lose any more time than we already have. In the scheme of things, ten years isn’t that long, and it’s not like we weren’t close even if we weren’t together, so it wasn’t wasted time. Still, it stings. I can promise you one thing though, I won’t cry over how long it took us to get here if you do your best to make sure I get to sit out on the beach with Old Man Steve one day. 

All of this is important to me. All of it. But I also have to know what’s important to you. Choosing to be together is going to be a lot of hard work. I’m ready for that, and you are too. I have picked us apart in every way imaginable and I've thought of about a million ways this could go wrong, but I don't care. I want you. I’ve decided that you’re it for me.

I’m still really hurt though. I’m sort of constantly low-level pissed, but I’m working on that with my therapist. I have to truly, actively forgive you, and she’s teaching me how. I don’t want any bitterness from this to ruin our chances. I owe that to both of us. I don’t know if I’ve ever really forgiven Rachel, even after all these years. I don’t think she was actually sorry for any of it though, and it’s hard to forgive when the other person hasn’t apologized. You have, and you’ve gone through 3 months that I know were hell for you. I’m impressed and proud. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to get to a place where I can forgive all the past shit. I don’t know how long it’ll take you to forgive me for my shit. I’m confident we can forgive each other though. Failure is not an option. 

I guess all of this is to say that I love you, and I believe that you love me. It’s going to take time and more therapy and God knows what else, but I want us to be together. I want to feel good about our future, and I know I can if we just try. I’m willing to try. If your letters are anything to go by, you are too. You hurt my heart, but it wasn’t fatal. If you’ll help me fix it, I think we can have a beautiful life. I love you.

Danny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to everyone for reading and commenting, and thanks to the discord group for helping me learn how to construct these long stories. I wish I'd had them way back at chapter one. You guys probably do too! Do I even need to say that this isn't betad?


	16. Mary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, there's only one more chapter and an epilogue to go! Can you believe it? I can't! As per usual, I am eternally grateful for all the lovely comments and kudos. I'm overwhelmed by it, actually. Y'all are amazing!

Mary heard them talking in the other room, discussing who was going to pick-up Steve from the treatment facility. She tried very hard not to be miffed that they’d left her out of the conversation, but it stung slightly. Both men cared deeply for Steve, and they probably weren’t leaving her out deliberately, they simply weren’t used to her being an option. As far as she was concerned, she was the only option. No one was going to fetch Steve but her. Besides, they had some talking to do before he came back to Honolulu. She had some apologizing to do too.

Both men turned when she stuck her head in the room and told them to relax, she would take care of it. Ignoring the doubtful looks they both hid pretty well, she rolled her eyes and went to go book a ticket to the Big Island. Steve was leaving treatment the day after next, sometime in the afternoon. She knew he’d be irritated about it, but she booked their return tickets for Honolulu for the morning after his release and reserved them a room a quick drive from Hapuna Beach for that night. Lou had assured her there was a small cove at the facility where Steve could swim, but he had to be missing the real ocean. The beach would be filled with tourists, but it was beautiful, and she guessed that her brother wouldn’t really care so long as he could spend some time in the warm, salty water. 

Two days later, Mary checked into their tiny suite before grabbing a quick bite at the hotel restaurant and heading to the treatment center. She was supposed to be there after lunch to meet with Steve and his therapist to go over some discharge information. She plugged the address into her phone and tried to enjoy the drive over. She found the place fairly easily and guided her rental up a very long driveway, eventually stopping at the guardhouse for instructions on where to park and how to find reception. She had to admit that the place was lavish. Mary wasn’t exactly a stranger to treatment facilities, and Deb had even sent her to one that was really nice once, but it hadn’t been like this. As she stepped into the softly lit lobby, she was greeted immediately by a polite receptionist. They’d been expecting her, so she assumed Lou had let them know she was coming. He was a good friend. Say what you want to about her brother, he’d surrounded himself with good and loyal people. She hoped she was one of those people now. 

She was led down a short breezeway to another set of offices and was asked to wait in the small lounge area until they were ready for her. Her knee began bouncing in excitement as soon as she sat down. God knows she’d gone a lot longer than a few months without seeing her brother, but she’d really missed him this time. Maybe it was because she had a lot of empathy for what he was going through, maybe it was because she finally felt like a responsible adult and with that came a sense of duty to Steve, maybe she just loved him and thought he needed to know that. Whatever it was, she really wanted to see him as soon as possible. 

She didn’t have to wait long. Ten minutes later, a beautiful, dark-skinned woman opened a door and called her name. Mary jumped up and practically jogged over, spying Steve rising from a small sofa and grinning at her. The woman had the good sense, or enough experience, to step out of the way as Mary dove at her brother and he caught her in his long arms. He squeezed her so tightly her ribs creaked, and it was wonderful. When he kissed the top of her head and murmured, “I missed you, Mary,” the tears started. Steve held her until she’d calmed down and finally stepped back, sniffing and wiping at her eyes. She hadn’t expected him to miss her very much, but she was glad to know he had. He was different, and she could tell it already, looking in his eyes and seeing a Steve she hadn’t seen since before their dad sent them away. He was relaxed and calm and _present_. It was all she could do not to laugh with joy, but she was suddenly aware of the woman still standing beside the door. 

Nodding his head toward the woman, Steve introduced her as Madeleine, his therapist. Mary felt like throwing a parade for her if she was responsible for helping her brother so much in so short a time. Madeleine, who’d probably seen it a thousand times, seemed to recognize the sentiment in Mary and simply smiled as she offered her a box of tissues. They all sat and got down to business after that. Without going into any private details, Madeleine pulled out a thickish folder full of paperwork and pamphlets. Steve had appointments with doctors back on Oahu, and he was going to continue going to group therapy at the VA. He had medication he was taking, and there were enough refills to hold him until his care could be completely transferred to the doctors in Honolulu. There was a lot of information, but it was information that she and the rest of the family needed to know. If they wanted to keep helping Steve, here was a clear set of instructions. And she desperately wanted to keep helping him. 

It took an hour or so, but Madeleine soon told Steve that he could go grab his things while she spoke with Mary privately for a few moments. She halfway expected him to object, but he just nodded and closed the door gently behind him as he left. Madeleine pulled out another folder and slid it over to Mary, telling her that it was a duplicate set of Steve’s paperwork and a number of resources available to her and the rest of the ohana to help in Steve’s recovery. They went over some of the support groups that would be available to her and the others and some of the warning signs that they needed to look for during the first few weeks. Most of them were pretty common sense things, but she’d go over them again with everyone and make sure they were all prepared. As the conversation wound down, Mary started to stand so she could find her brother and get out of there. Before she could though, Madeleine looked at her like she was debating saying something more, finally asking, “And how’s Danny?”

Ah. She’d actually expected this talk more than all of the discharge instructions because Steve’s recovery, for better or worse, depended so much on Danny. Cautiously she answered, “He’s doing really well.”

Madeleine nodded, hesitantly adding, “I’m glad to hear that. Steve speaks very highly of him.”

Mary did her best not to snort. No matter what Steve had told the therapist, she probably still didn’t understand how much Danny meant to Steve. Maybe most people wouldn’t understand it. “Yeah, he’s kind of Steve’s world.” 

Madeleine sighed. “That is a concern.” And Mary totally got it. So much of her brother was wrapped up in Danny. Returning to Oahu and seeing him again could be a major setback if he rejected Steve outright.

Mary was quick to reassure her though. “Danny’s in a good place right now, and I think he wants to see Steve as much as Steve wants to see him. You know they, uh, they have some issues to work through. A _lot_ of issues, but I think Danny is willing to try.”

Madeleine nodded. “That’s good to hear. Very good to hear. Just in case, there’s some information in there about couple’s therapy. It sounded like it might be very beneficial for the two of them.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. I mean, not to get too technical on you, but they were both a hot effin’ mess when Steve came here.”

The therapist huffed a small laugh. “Your brother is a good man, and he’s worked so hard on his recovery, I’m sure you know that, but he’s still… bruised.” It was a gentle reminder, but Mary heard her loud and clear.

Nodding in acknowledgement, Mary stood, clutching both folders in her arms. “I promise we’ll take good care of him, and I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for him. I don’t think–” she stopped to swallow, “I don’t know if he’d be here if you guys hadn’t helped him. Seriously, I’m beyond grateful. The whole family is.”

Smiling kindly as she stood, Madeleine shook Mary’s hand and walked her to the door. Stepping out, they spied Steve leaning against the wall, his duffle bag on the ground. He walked past Mary and embraced the other woman, whispering something in her ear that made her laugh. He let her go a few moments later, squeezing her arm before turning to Mary. She nodded decisively. “Not that this place isn’t really nice, but let’s get the hell out of here.” 

Steve laughed. “Hell yeah. Let’s go.”

((((((((H50))))))))

Steve didn’t even try to take the keys from her, settling in the passenger seat instead and rolling down the windows to breathe in the air like he’d been released from captivity. Mary didn’t want to laugh at him until he looked at her sideways and she realized he’d been doing it for her benefit, trying to keep the mood light. She rolled her eyes and grinned. 

They drove in silence for a while, comfortable with each other in a way they hadn’t been in forever. Steve was looking around at the unfamiliar scenery, not seeming to notice that they weren’t headed toward the airport. He finally perked up when they got close enough to Hapuna that they could smell the water and hear it in the distance. He eyeballed her suspiciously, looking a little confused and a little excited. He merely let her drive until she pulled into a small lot across the street from the beach. Clearing her throat, she glanced over at him. “I have a surprise for you.” When he stared back at her, she went on, “I booked us a suite at a hotel here for the night, and our flight is tomorrow morning.” Tipping her head toward the beach, she added, “I thought you might want to go be one with the sea ASAP or something. And maybe tonight we can talk a little bit.” 

He was practically squirming in his seat and his fingers were tapping his leg, but he managed to say, “Yeah, that sounds good, Mary.”

Blinking in surprise at his easy agreement, she shook her head. “Okay.” She pushed the buttons to roll up the windows and shooed him out of the car. “Go get your merman on.” He jumped out of the door before she’d finished speaking. She popped the trunk and heard him unzip his bag, grabbing his boardies before he rounded the car and headed toward the shore. Yelling after him, “Don’t try to swim back to Oahu!” she heard him laugh as he jogged toward the changing area. There was a busy shaved ice stand further up the shore and, figuring Kamekona would never know if she cheated on him, she decided to order the biggest cherry shaved ice she could get. 

((((((((H50))))))))

A couple of hours later, a happy and damp-haired Steve followed her into their suite. He dropped his bag when they stepped inside and went to sit in one of the chairs in the main room. He looked back at her as she sat across from him, expectant but not anxious. Apparently he was ready to talk.

Taking a deep breath, Mary said the most important thing first. “Before we do anything else, I need to apologize.” When Steve tried to interrupt her, she held up her hand and stopped him. “No, let me do this.” He settled back and nodded, but he didn’t look pleased about it. “I need to apologize for how I treated you that day. Both days, really. All I thought about was Grace and Danny and how upset they were, and I shouldn’t have done that. I should’ve realized how bad things were with you if you were trying to walk away. I thought you were abandoning them, and it pissed me off because I know– _we_ know what that’s like. I thought you were being an asshole, and I couldn’t believe you were giving up something that I would’ve killed to have. I’m sorry. You should’ve been my first priority.”

When it was clear she’d said what she needed to, Steve reached over and took her hand. “I don’t blame you, Mary. Maybe you could’ve said it a little nicer, but nothing you said was wrong. I _was_ abandoning them, and it was stupid and mean. Actually, I should probably thank you.” 

Mary’s eyes widened in surprise. “Why the hell would you thank me?”

“Besides dropping everything to take care of Danny?” he asked rhetorically. “Because if you hadn’t said what you said, I don’t think I would’ve gone right back to Oahu. If I’d left, if I’d _really_ left, I don’t think I’d’ve ever been able to come back. I mean, I could’ve come back to the island, but I never would’ve been able to come back to my family. If I have any chance of making things right, I think a lot of it might be down to the fact that I caught my mistake, that I didn’t go away for a long time. And if I’d gone away with Cath, I honestly think it would’ve ruined me. So please don’t apologize. If I have any chance of getting what I want, it’s because you bought me that chance, and I’ll be grateful for it for the rest of my life.”

And wasn’t that a relief. She’d been so worried that she’d hurt him deeply, and maybe she had, but at least he thought it was worth it. She wasn’t about to disagree with him, especially since he was right about leaving. If he’d gone through with his initial plans, she hated to think about what would’ve happened. Trying very hard not to cry, she squeezed his hand. “I love you, bro.”

“I love you too.” He cupped her face for a moment then tugged at her hair. Laughing as she swatted him away, he stood and reached out his hand to pull her up. “Let’s go get some dinner.”

((((((((H50))))))))

The lady at the front desk recommended a great steakhouse, and Steve scarfed down a ribeye as big as her head while he talked some about what it’d been like at the treatment center. She didn’t ask for details, mostly because she couldn’t believe he was sharing so much information with her and she didn’t want to break the mood. Once they were stuffed and relaxed, they headed back to their suite. Steve unlocked the door, stepping into the room as he stretched and yawned. It had been a good day but an intense one, so she wasn’t surprised he was tired. She thought seriously about waiting until morning to do what she was about to do, but she wanted to give Steve some time to come to terms with it before they headed back home.

Steeling herself, she dropped her purse on the coffee table then dug through it for a moment. Steve was already unlacing his boots when she nervously cleared her throat to get his attention. When he looked up at her, she handed him an envelope and his phone. He took them hesitantly, examining the envelope and recognizing the handwriting from the “Steve” on the front. Dragging in a shaky breath, he looked back at Mary, confused and unsure. 

“You need to see what he has to say.” He gulped audibly, and her heart hurt for him. She didn’t know exactly what Danny had to say to her brother, but she was sure it wasn’t all bad. According to Chin and Grace, he was ready to forgive Steve or at least willing to try his damndest to forgive him. Still, she was sure that whatever he’d written wouldn’t be easy for Steve. That was only fair considering she knew some of his letters to Danny had ended in their friend sitting down to dinner with swollen eyes. 

She really didn’t want her brother to have to go through an emotional upheaval right off the bat, but she couldn’t keep this from him either. It would be good for him in the long run, she was sure. When Steve eyed her, uncertain and a little afraid, she smiled the most reassuring smile she could muster. “I don’t think this is going to be a walk in the park for you, but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed either.” Steve’s shoulders relaxed ever so slightly, and he kissed her cheek before turning for his room. 

Before he could close his door, she remembered something important. “Oh, our flight’s at eleven, okay? And you might want to turn off your notifications as quick as you can. Your phone’s about to blow up.” She grinned just thinking about it. 

He was a little thrown by that last bit but took her smile to mean it wasn’t a bad thing. Nodding, he softly said, “Goodnight, Mary,” and disappeared into his room.

((((((((H50))))))))

She woke the next morning to the sound of the suite door opening and closing. Worried that Steve might be upset from the night before, she jumped up and ran into the main room to find him lifting the lid from room service dishes that immediately had the whole place smelling like bacon. She rolled her eyes when he shoved a piece in his mouth and said, “Breakfast is served,” around it. Danny would’ve had a cow. She sat down at the small table and dished up her food, trying not to overtly inspect him. He didn’t look like he’d gotten much rest, but his eyes were still clear and his mouth was relaxed. 

Of course he caught her looking. “I’m fine. Seriously. You, ah, you were right. I’m not disappointed.” He took a massive swig of juice before diving back into his breakfast. She didn’t need specifics, she very much wanted them, but she didn’t need them. So long as he still looked like he was okay in his skin, she’d take it.

Flying back to Oahu was quick and painless, so by twelve thirty or so, they were striding out the doors of the airport to find their ride home. Sure enough, there stood Lou and Renee, looking thrilled to see Steve. The difference in him was so readily apparent, Renee pressed her palm to her chest and closed her eyes with relief. Her brother’s found family was truly amazing, and she was so glad she’d had the chance to become part of it. She held back as Steve lunged at Renee, picking her up and smacking an obnoxious kiss to the side of her head. He turned to Lou after he set her down and got wrapped up in a bear hug of his own. Deciding they better get going before Lou had to flash his badge to keep from getting towed, Steve and Mary dropped their bags in the trunk and slid into the back seat. 

Expecting them to head back to Harry’s house, Mary was surprised to see that they were instead on the way to Piikoi. She met Lou’s eyes in the rearview mirror, and with a subtle shake of his head, he managed to let her know to keep her mouth shut. When they pulled into the drive, she glanced over at Steve. He didn’t look as lighthearted as he had before, but he didn’t look upset either. Lou killed the engine, and they all sat in the silence for a moment before Renee said, “Oh, good lord,” and got out. Steve followed, grabbing their bags from the trunk and loping along behind Lou who had the keys to the house. Once he got the door unlocked, they stepped into the cool air of the living room, and her brother headed straight for the lanai doors. Lou stopped him though before he got near them. 

Bending to pick up Mary’s bag again and placing his hand on her shoulder, Lou leveled a serious look at Steve. “Listen, brother, dinner is served at seven sharp. Do not be late.”

Steve looked back at them, puzzled. “What? Where are you going?” He didn’t sound panicked, which was good, but he was definitely unsettled. Mary was about to pipe up and let them know that there was no way they were leaving Steve alone in that house before she heard the lanai doors open. Steve turned at the sound, and it was suddenly like someone had sucked all of the air out of the room. A few seconds later, she felt Lou guide her back out the door into the sunlight. Right before the door closed behind them, Steve sighed out a name in an almost worshipful tone. 

“Danny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I know anything about beaches and such on Hawaii? No. Did I do a lot of research? Also no. Let's just call it creative geography. I hope everyone has an awesome Halloween!


	17. Steve and Danny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, this is it! There's only an epilogue left. I sincerely hope this isn't a disappointment after all that build-up. I can't thank y'all enough for how kind you've been. Give yourselves a high five.

“Danny.” He couldn’t hear himself right then. He felt the word leaving his mouth on a breath, but his ears were ringing and the blood was rising to his cheeks. He’d never know how it sounded like the hushed gasp of someone stepping into wonder. That’s what Danny was to him though, a wonder.

Danny stood looking back at him, scanning him with those perceptive eyes. He was so still and so solemn when he finally met Steve’s gaze, carefully trying to keep himself in check. He had no clue what Danny was holding back, but it didn’t matter because, whatever it was, Steve would take it and say thank you. He’d spent weeks unsure if he’d ever be allowed in the same room as Danny again, so to be standing there, however shaky the ground, was incredible.

Finally, Danny cleared his throat and made an awkward half-gesture. “Uhm, you look good. I mean, you look healthy, so I guess they treated you right, huh?” His concern was hidden beneath the casual words, but Steve could tell how deeply worried he’d been. Even after all the shit Steve had done, his partner had still been that worried about him. It was absurd.

All he could do was reassure the other man. “Yeah, they treated me right. They treated me really well, actually.”

Danny nodded. “That’s good, that’s good. Mary said —”

“I love you.” He couldn’t have stopped the words if his life had depended on it. It was all he could think. Whatever his friend had been about to say was important, and he hadn’t meant to interrupt, but he kept tumbling around those words, over and over and over. I love you, love you, love you. He was mired in it.

Danny went very still, clenching his jaw before he nodded slowly, resigned to skipping the small talk. “I love you too. I love you so goddamn much I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m man enough to admit that it scares me to death. It’s so… I mean it’s… there’s so much riding on this, Steve. So much.” 

Like Steve didn’t already know that. Like he didn’t realize how his life would be pointless if he lost Danny. Like he didn’t have nightmares about how close he’d come to making that happen. Yeah, it was scary, like most things that can hurt you are. He’d always managed to control the fear when he was in the navy and Five-0 because of his training, but he’d never quite managed to apply that same training to his personal life. It was too different, the risks were different and the people involved were different. He’d needed an education that he’d never been given and that he’d never bothered seeking out. He had it now though, or the beginnings of it anyway. 

“Yeah, there’s everything riding on it, and I’m scared too. But, Danny, I really don’t even give a fuck. I’d rather be scared with you than miserable without you. That’s what it comes down to. That’s not me trying to lay a burden on you or make you think you’re responsible for me. That’s me telling you the truth, however fucked up it might be. You have to know, I need you to know… just, I – “ He broke off suddenly, practically growling with frustration. “I can’t, I can’t find the words. They’re there, they’re here,” he tapped the palm of his hand over his heart, “but it takes me time to find them. I’m sorry I can’t, I’m so sorry.” There were no tears, but his voice broke over a sob anyway. 

Danny couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t stand there and watch Steve fall apart because he couldn’t find the right words. He _had_ found them. He’d put them to paper, spilled his love and his fear and his sorrow out for Danny to read over and over again. He had pages that were already creased and thinning because he’d handled them so much, because he’d run his hands over the words until the color was fading, like a talisman against the pain in his chest. He couldn't do anything else but go to Steve and wrap his arms around him, burying his face in the other man’s chest and breathing him in. And Jesus fuck, it hurt, but he was so in love he almost didn’t notice. His hands shook with the pain and sweat broke out on his skin, but he couldn’t even tell. “Please don’t do this again.”

“No, Danny. No. Never. I promise you. I’ll swear on the bible or sign it in blood, or whatever else you need. Anything.” 

“I don’t need all that. I just need you to stay. We can figure out the rest, but you have to stay.”

“Okay, but you have to stay too, yeah? I need you to never leave too. Danny, please.” It had been a long time since he’d truly been afraid Danny would go back to Jersey or have to leave because of Rachel’s bullshit, but the fear had never really gone away. 

“I promise,” Danny rasped. It was the easiest vow he’d ever make. “I promise you I’ll stay right by your side. Forever, if that’s what you want.”

If that’s what he wanted? It was the only thing Steve wanted. “Yeah, buddy, that’s what I want. You and me, okay? Please just…”

“Steve, come on, come on. Let’s sit down, babe, before you fall down.” He guided him over to the sofa and settled right up next to him, wrapping his arm around him and holding on until they both stopped shaking. 

It took a little while, but they finally started to calm down. Steve’s muscles were still jumping and Danny’s throat was still tight, but the pressure was easing. Eventually Steve murmured into the quiet, “I read your list.”

Danny leaned his head onto Steve’s shoulder and nodded, stubble scratching against his shirt. “And?”

“And you’re a good man. You’re so…” he trailed off, obviously struggling for words again. “You’re just, you’re good. Down to your bones.” He took a deep breath. “And you love me. You _love_ me. With every fucking word, you told me you love me. I would’ve gone along with whatever you needed. That’s so fucking wrong, but I would’ve. But I don’t need to because you never made it about just what you need. It’s what you need and I need, and Mary and Gracie and Charlie. You don’t understand what you are, Danny. You don’t understand that you’re the best person I’ve ever known, and I want everything you put on that list, for you and for me. I swear I’m going to give you everything I have, and you’re going to give me everything you have so we’ll still have all of our, you know, _everything_ but we’ll share it. I can give you everything without losing anything because I won’t lose you. I’ll never lose you.” 

Every word had been filled with such faith. Faith in Danny and faith in their family, faith that they could do this, be together forever and be happy. And if Steve could give that to Danny so easily, Danny had to give him something in return. “I have faith in us too, and you won’t ever lose me. Just like I know I’ll never lose you. I believe you, Steven. I trust you. I trust us. We can do this, I know it.”

Steve hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees and covering his face with his hands. He wasn’t crying, but he was so overwhelmed he needed to hide for a few seconds. Only a few though because he suddenly sat back and scooped Danny up until he was sitting across his lap. Danny grunted in surprise, but he didn’t fight it. He was through fighting how much he needed to be close or how good it felt to be held by someone he loved. He wrapped one arm around Steve’s shoulders to steady himself and settled his hand against the side of the other man’s neck. Steve cupped his face in his big hands and looked up at him with pure adoration. He brushed his thumbs over Danny’s cheekbones and caressed his bottom lip with a rough fingertip until the man couldn’t take it anymore. “Oh for God’s sake, Steven, just fucking kiss me already.”

So he did, again and again and again, and he knew he would keep doing it for the rest of his life. He’d kiss him and hold him and argue with him and laugh with him, and they’d do it all over and over and they would have a good life. And maybe he didn’t deserve it, even if he thought he probably did, but he was going to have it. Being Danny’s partner, being his love, was the most important thing he’d ever be. Call it destiny or luck or karma, who the fuck cared? It was his for the taking, so he was taking, and he’d die before he’d let it go again. 

They sat on the sofa holding each other until the light from outside started to dim. They ran their hands over each other and kissed until their lips were sore. Not too sore though to whisper and murmur to each other things that seemed impossible to say a few months ago. Not too sore to tell each other how much their letters and texts had meant. Not too sore for Steve to worry about Grace and how she must hate him, and not too sore for Danny to promise that she didn’t and to give her time. Every second was a revelation and a gift. Whoever said people never change was full of shit. They did. The two of them already had, and they’d keep changing too. Danny and Steve. A stake and a vine. 

A little after they’d finally lain down on the sofa to rest against each other, Steve’s phone rang. He fumbled a bit trying to get it out of his back pocket while Daniel muttered, “It’s just Lou. Tell him to keep his pants on. We’ll be there on time.” It wasn’t Lou though. He felt Steve gulp and grow tense underneath him, so he pushed up on his elbow to see what was wrong. By then, the man was swiping the screen to answer the call. “Hey, Gracie.” It was quiet and timid, and it grieved Danny’s heart.

He wished he could make this easier for Steve and Gracie. They loved each other, truly, so he knew they would be okay eventually. Right now though, Grace was still wary. He had no idea what she was saying, and Steve’s stunned face wasn’t giving him any clues. He nodded his dark head a few times before choking out a few okays and yeses. Finally, he let out a shaky breath and said, “Yeah. You too. I love you too, Gracie. See you soon.”

Danny smiled softly, just a little bit smug, and settled his head back on Steve’s chest, giving him a few moments to collect himself. He knew his baby girl would come around. She loved her Danno fiercely, but she loved the man next to him too. Steve eventually set his phone on his thigh and used that hand to wipe at his face. Danny squeezed him tight, listening to him sniff and clear his throat. After a while, Steve settled his lips against his temple and buried his nose in soft, blond hair. “She’s a good kid. The best.”

Danny laughed. “Yeah, just like her old man.” 

It was a joke but Steve wasn’t laughing. Instead, he kissed his hair and his forehead, his cheeks and his lips. “Yeah, just like her old man.”

Danny felt a lump in his throat, but he managed to push the words out. “I love you. You’re it for me.” They rested a while longer until they weren’t so overwrought. As the light from outside started fading into dusk, Danny sat up and pushed his hair back away from his face. “C’mon, let’s go see the family. Everybody else has missed you too.”

Steve smiled at the idea. “I was only gone a few months, buddy.”

Danny looked back at him, thoughtful and intent. “Nah. I think it’s been a long time since you were here, Steve. _Really_ here.”

He was right, but that was neither here nor there. There was only one reply that mattered. “I’m back now though.”

“You are, and we’re going to get our happily ever after, you hear me? It’ll take some time and some work, but we’re going to. Danno’s one hundred percent guarantee.” He said it with such ferocity and conviction that there was no room for doubt.

“Teamwork makes the dream work?” He dug up a grin from the happy relief that was pooling in his belly and waited.

“Holy shit, you did not just say that! Who says that? Never say it again. It made me gag, Steven. We’re going to have a perfectly good dinner with our family, and I’m gonna be too nauseous to eat. Makes the dream work. Ugh. Where did you even hear that?”

Steve watched him lock the lanai doors and turn out the lights like he owned the place, ranting and gesticulating the whole time as they walked out the door and settled into the truck. It was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard. A few miles down the road, he felt Danny’s hand settle on his thigh, the other hand still flailing as he spoke, and Steve felt like singing. He was happy. There were still so many hurdles to jump and so much work to do, but he was _happy_. If Danny’s grin was anything to go by, so was he. Nodding to himself, he grasped the hand on his thigh and held on tight. Yeah, they’d make it. They’d make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not everything that was brought up in the fic is wrapped up here. The epilogue will cover a lot of it, and I have some timestamps planned. Also, there's a vague reference to Tame Impala up there somewhere because why not at this point. As always, your comments and kudos are beyond appreciated.


	18. Epilogue: Ohana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, guys. It only took five months! I legitimately never thought I'd be able to write a story like this, and I wouldn't have finished it without your encouragement. Thank you all! Y'all know this hasn't been betad (Is there an agreed upon spelling for that?), and please forgive the inconsistent spelling and punctuation.

Dinner with the ohana that first evening was perfect. Everyone was genuinely glad to see him and glad to see him looking settled in his own skin again. There’d been a slight air of misery about him for so long, Tani and Junior had never even seen him without it. They’d loved Steve for who he was, but, as the night wore on, they thought they might _like_ this new (old) Steve better. He spent a lot of time hearing all about the cases they’d had and talking to Lou about what it’d been like on the team without Steve or Danny around. Even Quinn seemed looser, like she’d finally realized that she’d stumbled into something really good when she’d taken up with Five-0. He heard Flippa strumming away and Noelani laughing at something Eric said, he smelled Eddie’s fur and Kamekona’s shrimp, and he felt like he was home in a way he hadn’t since before the liver transplant.

He hadn’t been happy to see Chin a few months ago, but now he admitted that one reason things were finally righting themselves was having his friend back. The only thing better would’ve been if he’d been able to lure Kono back too, but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. The two men had managed to find some time between dinner and the first round of desserts to have a real chat. Apologies and thanks and a few tears happened, and that was that before Steve started in on the questions about Abby and Sara and staying in Hawaii and what the older man was planning to do if he was actually retiring. Most of that was pretty easy to address. Chin was actually retiring, he and Abby weren’t getting back together, and he and Sara were definitely staying on Oahu. His cousin, the real estate agent, had already found a small house not too far from where he’d grown up. The place came with a large back yard that had more than enough room for Sara to play and for Chin to set up a small garage for himself. Customizing and repairing motorcycles was still a big business, and the Kellys had enough connections that he already had clients lined up as soon as he could get things arranged. He was quick to smile and relaxed in a way Steve hadn’t seen since Malia had died. He’d forgotten that Chin could look like that, and it was a beautiful thing to see again. 

Joanie had been ecstatic to see her uncle and, after about a thousand hugs and kisses, couldn’t wait to tell him how she and her mommy were going to stay in the little house by the pool forever and ever. His startled gaze jerked up to Mary. “Well,” she explained, smirking happily at his surprise, “not forever and ever, but for a while anyway. Harry said he’d like it if I stayed here and kept an eye on the place. Coordinate the landscaping and the pool maintenance, make sure the house is ready when he visits, that sort of thing. I’m gonna still keep the books for some of my friends in LA who can’t afford a real accountant too, maybe even for a friend here who is opening his own custom bike business.” He was amazed at how things seemed to finally be falling into place for her. So much had changed, and he could kick his own ass for not being there for it, but he couldn’t get too hung up on that when it was all such good change. 

The absolute best news though came from Grace. Even if she’d been the one to call earlier, by the time he’d shown up, she was prowling around the outskirts of the crowd, wary and agitated. Once the food and beer had lured the rest of the family from the terrace out to the table, she finally squared her shoulders and strode up to him, not stopping until they were toe to toe. He half-expected her to slap his face, but she just stood there, jaw clenched and fists tight until the only thing he could do was nervously ask for a hug, firmly expecting to be rejected. No one else seemed too stunned though when she started bawling and fell into his arms instead, soaking his shirt with tears while he held her and whispered soothing nonsense into her hair. The two of them would no doubt have many words later because she was hurt and he was sorry, but that was okay. Maybe he’d even shock the hell out of her and ask her to come to one of his therapy sessions with him. She was as close to having a daughter as he’d ever come, so he needed them to be good. Family therapy was a thing, and they absolutely were family. 

Still, a couple of hours later when she stood up to make a little announcement, he couldn’t help but cringe thinking about what she might say. He braced himself for everything from “fuck off” to “welcome home.” What he got though was an “I’m not going back to LA.” He turned to Danny and saw that the other man hadn’t been expecting that. Grace stared back at her father, raising her chin in a good imitation of the man, prepared to argue her case for staying in Honolulu. She could be forgiven for looking as thrown as the rest of them when all Danny did was nod and say, “I’m glad, baby.” It took the wind right out of her sails, but in the best way. It was glorious to see father and daughter practically beaming at each other, both so happy she was coming home for good. Charlie’s “I’m glad you’re coming back too, Gracie!” before he barrelled into her was just the icing on the cake.

When things finally started winding down and the little ones were all half-asleep, Steve and Danny found themselves alone in the kitchen boxing up leftovers. The smaller man was conspicuously quiet and looked like he was a million miles away. It would’ve set off Steve’s alarm bells at the best of times, so, right then, when he knew there was still so much anger left in Danny, he was freaking out. He cleared his throat nervously, but even that didn’t make his partner blink. Finally, he murmured, “You okay, Danno?”

That seemed to wake Danny up, blinking out of his fugue and smiling a little tremulously up at Steve. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay, babe. Just a little overwhelmed, I think.”

Sighing with relief, Steve nodded. He could definitely understand that. “It’s been a long day, buddy.”

Danny had to agree, looking thoughtfully up at his partner. “A good one though. I didn’t expect to have this again, to be honest. And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad I was wrong. I’m really, really glad. There’s been a lot of things I’m glad I was wrong about lately. I was wrong when I thought I hated you and when I thought you were the biggest asshole I’d ever met and when I thought you really, really didn’t love me. I’m so glad I was wrong about all of that.” Steve loved the man so much right then, he could practically feel the hearts in his eyes.

And there was still so much to be settled. What to do with the house and what he would do for a living and where they would even live because nobody wanted to go back to Piikoi. They’d figure it out tomorrow. Right then though, if Danny’d let him, he wasn’t going anywhere except up to the other man’s room and into his bed, not for sex just yet, but to simply keep him close. He wanted to lie next to Danny and hear about his new job, how he wanted to go to couples therapy as soon as possible, how he wanted to go to Jersey for the holidays and maybe finally get surgery on his knee in the spring. They had a lot of painful, deep conversations ahead of them, but they could have these smaller ones too, the kind about the minutiae of life and vague plans for the future that only worked when someone else loved you enough to listen. When it came right down to it, that’s the only thing that really mattered — they loved each other enough, more than enough. They loved their family and their family loved them, and that was more than enough too. He’d been stuck on a dark and desperate road for so much of the past decade, but difficult roads could lead to beautiful destinations, and there was nothing more beautiful than the man standing next to him. It was good to be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one:
> 
> Absolutely no one:
> 
> Me: Y'all want some timestamps?
> 
> I'm not really done with this universe even if I probably should be. There are things that haven't been fully resolved and things that happened "off screen" that I still want to write about. Any suggestions for things that you guys would like to see addressed would be amazing. Again, I love you all! Thanks so much!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm [Mcdannohmygod](https://mcdannohmygod.tumblr.com) on tumblr if you want to come check me out. It's 90% McDanno and 100% awesome. ;D


End file.
